"Perhaps I've done an insane growing up over the past few days or maybe the chemicals in my brain have finally balanced out to their correct and healthy proportions... or maybe the happy side of my bipolar-self has finally decided to make an appearance. (Long overdue, I'll say.)"
I started drafting that blog post a long while ago. I stopped after the first paragraph because I had to go off and do something or other that was of a more pressing nature so I didn't get a chance to finish it. So there it was, sitting patiently in my Drafts folder, awaiting its completion. The sad thing is though, is that I can't finish it... because the way I currently feel is so incredibly different and contradictory to the way I felt then - anything I would've said in an attempt to finish it according to its theme would have been a complete and utter lie... I'm not happy like I was then - in that blissful and fleeting moment of normality and peace. I'm back to who I was before - back to myself; my same old, perpetually sad self.
Okay, so just to be clear... I'm not crazy - in a technical sense. I am definitely not typical or normal in any way but you will very seldom find people who are. I go through the motions, the switch flipping, the moods of life never knowing how I'm truly going to react to something until it happens. I've never understood much less been able to control what I feel. It's not possible. All I know is that while my heart is good, my circumstances seldom are. I get myself into the strangest of predicaments that amount to frequent and copious dealings of pain. Yet there is nothing that I can change about who I am to stop that - I can only hope to grow and to become stronger through God... for I will never compromise my grasp and experience of emotion for the whims of a fickle, heartless world.
I get hurt easily... I find myself in pain all the time. Sadness and loneliness accompany pretty much everywhere I go. My life lacks intimacy - the type of intimacy that I need. I pour everything - all of me - into my relationships and because I'm not in a romantic relationship, I find myself therefore distributing all of who I am among my regular friendships. In short, I love too much. I love too much for this world to understand or for myself to understand. I can't quite grasp what I am doing wrong when all I do is love. I know I'm intense... I exist too intensely - I've said that multiple times... It doesn't mean I am going to change myself though.
As a child, I was blessed with a wonderful and positive upbringing and family life. My parents were strict but never put discipline ahead of love. There was and is so much love within my family. That isn't to say that we are perfect... Lord knows, we're far from it. We've had our blow ups and arguments, we've had our own set of struggles but the point of my mentioning my family and childhood is to emphasise that there was always Love there - there still is always Love. I can never say that I wasn't loved as a child. I learnt to love from my family - I watched my parents, sometimes in innocent envy. I've always been eager to love someone like my parents love each other... I can't wait to be loved like that. It hasn't happened yet. Every attempt has been a great disappointment because I've always had high and often unrealistic expectations. When I like someone - I see the future in them. I'm not the kind of girl that would do anything meaningless or casual - why should I have to?
I often wonder why I haven't been given the opportunity to love someone fully yet. By fully, I mean a love that is in fact, for once, returned. I wonder if there's something wrong with me - Am I the problem? If so, what can I do to change? How skinny do I have to be for him to be attracted to me? What should I say to make him want to be with me? What will make me finally good enough? I have yet to find the answers for those questions and I realise that perhaps I need to start asking different questions. I've considered the possibility that maybe I'm just not ready yet and that's why love hasn't found me. Perhaps by looking too hard for it in one place, I am overlooking something or someone else more worthy of my time attention. I often say that I'm over ever finding someone... That lasts a couple of days until I ache from a certain emptiness again. I know that I want love and that I'm ready to finally be loved. I suppose it's more of a waiting game than anything else at the moment.
I pray a lot about it - a lot about love... and about the man that will one day hold my heart and give me his. It makes sense to pray a lot about something so influential and a would-be integral part of one's life. God knows all things that I don't - He has a plan that I have to struggle every day to trust and have faith in. I have to work against the world - the cruelty and coldness of our reality. I have to find patience and refuge in God for He is where LOVE is. Even in the event of pain, loneliness and sadness... God is there - all-knowing but more importantly all -loving. He loves me... That gives me hope and a reason to believe that someone else will love me too.
There has been so much pain, so many tears lately - everything building up over time inside of me until I can do nothing but cry until I fall back into a sleep of pure and utter exhaustion. Every individual, lonely moment becomes internalised until something ignites all that has settled within me - I burn... I burn for loving those who cannot love me as I love them and as I ought to be loved.
Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. I've said that word so many times... I've said it so much that I have come to resent it... but I know I would be absolutely nothing without it. Without my ability to love, I would be a robotic and cold version of myself - unable to feel anything. While being able to love less would suggest less pain, I can't say that it'd be at all worth it. I will brave the pain for however long it may take - it is better than feeling nothing.
I cannot pretend to be happy right now - I would be lying if I said I was. I still smile and I still laugh; I still enjoy being with good friends and family - that isn't a means to say that it resonates a sustainable happiness within me. I appreciate all that I have... I am so incredibly grateful - I cannot however overlook the fact or be content with being without that which I am certain that I need as well as want. I am saddened by loneliness and a lack of intimacy... the lack of a certain type of love that I would like to believe that I am ready for.
All I can do is be patient and await the day, the time, the moment when the person that has been designed by God to love me is as ready to love me as I am to love him.
--J.
No comments:
Post a Comment