Quiet Heart

Please don’t ever let me go. Please don’t ever say ‘No’. Please don’t leave – don’t run away. I wish there was something I could do to guarantee that you’d stay. Unfortunately I know of the risk, the chance, the probability that you'll get sick of me… and then switch off, shut down and move on.

Friends can be so fickle… and I am often far too trusting with the most dangerous of said ‘friends’. I get caught up, enveloped and consumed by my friendships when they've developed to a certain degree. I love too much. I care too deeply… I exist far too intensely.

I cannot expect you to stay, I suppose. Greater men than you have tried… Okay, not really. I just know that you are just like all of those who have been harmed in knowing and being loved by me. You are normal yet in a wonderful way that is so unlike my own nature. You know how to get what you want. You know how to be yourself. You know not to have a soft spot for emotional vampires like me. You are so wonderfully human… while I seem to be nothing close but rather that which is inferior to you. Therefore, I understand why you’re so eager to run from me – this monster.

While I know of the atrocity that my existence is characterised by, I am neither ashamed nor apologetic for it. I know no shame in being who I am… for whom I am is who I was made, by God, to be. Your dislike of me does not hinder my self-esteem as it used to when I did not understand the components of my own character. I rest firmly in the affirmation that my own existence is not coincidental or unintentional but rather planned by a higher power – a loving, all-knowing God. That is my belief… although I don’t expect your agreement or respect in its regard because it won’t alter my own faith. I have been designed with a purpose in mind and therefore I cannot apologise for being the person that I am because I didn't choose to be this way – I can only choose to embrace or disown myself. Others have the same choice in regards to me. They may choose whether they leave or stay. They can choose to love or to hate. You may choose my fate – acceptance or rejection.

I wish you’d be different. I wish it was all different. I wish that I didn't love to a point of obsession or care to point where it hurts. I wish I wouldn't kill with kindness. I wish that who I am was not so intrusive on other people’s lives. I wish that I didn't push people away by showing them emotions that I sometimes even fail to understand. I wish people would understand… but I can’t expect them to. I have to expect people to leave… because that way I won’t be hurt when they inevitably and ultimately do. I can only wish that you’d stay. I can only wish you’d be the one who wouldn't want or feel the need to run away.

Unfortunately, I love you. Unfortunately, that fact will never change. My grasp and execution of emotion are both a blessing and a curse. I cannot love you fully without freaking you out… because you don’t understand my capacity for love. You don’t understand my ability to love… because, in all honesty, it isn't normal. That being said, just because it’s abnormal doesn't imply that it is wrong. The fact that I am able to love you so deeply is not a cause for me to be ashamed… it is only a pity that it is not something other people understand or accept very easily and therefore I become marginalised – I become a freak, a creep… a weirdo.

So here I am… trying not to show you just how much I have come to love you because I'm terribly scared of the possibility that you’re going to leave. I don’t want to end up pushing you away if it can be helped. It hurts – it hurts so much when someone you love no longer wants to be a part of your life… especially when it is allegedly your own fault. I can’t stop myself from loving you or anyone else important to me… but for the sake and happiness of you and perhaps for myself, I will hide my love from you so as to not give you reason to reject, condemn and hate me.

I will love you without your knowledge – quietly, secretly… and with all of my heart.