What Love Is

I can still hear that song in my head. It plays over and over again as if I was destined to be taunted by the idea of you. It is starting to drive me insane – my heart is so caught up in the music that so deftly describes you. My feelings for you are tugged at with every ensuing note and I am reminded of just how badly I have fallen for you. I wish only for the music to stop playing and for the feelings to fade.

Once again, I am experiencing a love that is oh so beautifully unrequited. I know for certain that nothing will ever change that in regards to our relationship. We are condemned to be friends yet I feel nothing but blessed by the honour. I only wish not to frighten you with my feelings. I know them to be worth fearing because here I am, controlled by the fear of that which I feel for you. I am ripped apart inside by the thoughts that envelop my mind… for I know that that is where they are destined to stay instead of being acted upon.

You would never see me like that. You are too good for that – too good for me. You are attracted to all the perfection that I am not and will never be. Although it is hardly of any surprise that I am completely enthralled by all that you are, the same cannot be said for your view of me. I don’t know what you think of me exactly, only that you are too much of a gentleman to ever say it out loud. You would never disgrace me which proves to be so honourable and inconveniently attractive of you. It is such a pity that I know exactly what and who I need to be in order to be wanted by you yet I have no means of ever being that person in any regard. In short, I am not good enough. I have understood this to be true for a while because it is glaringly obvious and I would be grossly oblivious or simply stupid to not have recognised this somewhat unfortunate circumstance I am faced with. You are so lovely. I wish that I could be someone worthy of you.

The opportunity to be your friend however – should that be all I am ever afforded – is sufficient. Although it hurts to feel more for you, your friendship is more than I could ever deserve. I would gladly endure the pain so as to enjoy something as genuine as your company. It is clear that I think very highly of you… I don’t see a reason as why not to. I know you are not perfect yet your imperfections are instrumental in what has caused me to adore you. I see passion and determination where anger burns in your eyes and rages from your lips. I see an irresistible cuteness in your occasional awkwardness. I see an opportunity for growth where you are weak. I see the humility that causes your insecurity. I see the unintentional wisdom you possess through your apprehension. I see the beauty of your soul where you cannot see it for yourself. I see the justification of a God because your existence, your creation can only be of a divine origin. You see… that is what love is. 

The scars I will live with – marked across my heart as a result of a love unreturned – they are only a small price I would be glad to pay. I only hope that I become stronger so that it may become easier to look into your eyes without getting lost in the prospect of the soul that sits within them. Perhaps then it will be easier to hug you without the fear of having to eventually let go. Perhaps then I will be able to laugh instead of cry, smile instead of frown… perhaps I will finally learn to be happy. I can only hope to learn of acceptance of the reality that we will never be anything more than friends.

I wish only to love you without feeling any pain – so that an unrequited love would hardly hurt me. I await the end of the song – the song that ushers in the thought of you and with it all the reminders of the emotions you stir within me. I wait to rejoice in your happiness in the event that you come to fall in love with someone for that would be the most selfless action I could perform. For you I would be selfless – always and without question or hesitation.

For that, my dear friend, is what love is.