"There was a time when men were kind..."

They were all nice in the beginning - friendly, funny and just sweet towards you. Don't you ever develop feelings for them - don't do it... You'll lose any happiness that their friendship afforded you. You'll lose your mind.

Feelings freak guys out - most of them anyway. They don't think or feel the same way girls do. Although, the strange thing is that we sometimes expect them to understand us; to know what we are thinking and, the worst mistake of all, we expect them to give us what we want.

They won't. They won't give us what we want or need - men will disappoint. They disappoint because women relentlessly expect too much of them. They can't be blamed entirely.

As much as men are unkind; women are ridiculously blind. It's not surprising that women get hurt... that I got hurt. Humans, in general, are ridiculous creatures. It is no further help that we have been raised to be cruel by a world that is so. Life can be so unfair and filled with so much pain because we are cruel - our world is cruel. Even the best of intentions and the most innocent of feelings are crushed, punished and the people they come from are hurt so inextricably.

I await a time, I await a man that is right... that is good. I am so impatient and eager for goodness to befall me. 

I give away too much... I hold on and I become attached... It's obsessive and it's immature - an inability to cope with change. Yet here I am, learning to let my feelings fade with time - loosening my grip on the fantasy in my head that mocks my starkly contrasting reality. I'm growing up in a sense that I'm conforming to the loveless materialism of society where normality is happiness through wealth and possession instead of love and one's relationships.

I am hurting. It seems as though I am perpetually hurting. Perhaps it's because I'm always loving those who can't love like I do. My heart is able... Others can't love me the same way - some will eventually learn when, I suppose, the time is right and others will never be able to. I can't blame myself for that though. I need to focus on that which is within my power to change... That means not obsessing and hanging on to every relationship... I've never been all too great at letting go but it's about time that I learn.

Perhaps if I'm not so blind, men will be kind. Perhaps if I just completely hide myself in the arms of God - none will be able to hurt me. If I shut you all out perhaps that will save me from pain - from myself... and it will save those who are unequipped to be loved by me. I'll leave you all so as to avoid you being at all bothered by me. The Lord knows I can't stand the idea that you may hate me.

So I'll turn all my love to God... until He lets me love someone else... until He tells me it's safe.

--J.