Dear God
Please forgive me for loving too deeply and for falling too hard. Forgive me for compassion and obsession. Forgive me for being so easily attached to the worldly things that I have been given. Forgive me for crying from loneliness. Forgive me for my selfishness. Relieve me from my willingness to love and to hold on. Take my love and dependency for Yourself. Take it from me so that no one else may have it unless You allow them into my heart. Take my heart and let it be Yours, Lord. For if it is my own I shall let it be broken and if it is anyone else's then it will be bruised. Forgive me for who I've become- this pitiful girl smothered and possessed by flames of desire. Take my will to love and be loved from me. There is no good that I can do with it for I have abused that ability already. Remove my tears and harden my heart. Put up my walls and place ice in my eyes so that no one may love me and so I will not feel a thing. Take my intense emotion and my passionate mind and discard it with the rest of the unworthy. Toss it aside so that I may not resort to it. Strip from me my humanity and all the flaws that make me what I have turned into. Make me cold and stone-like so that I may not be scarred and tortured by the disappointments of this world. Heal my fragile frame of mind and let it be no longer twisted and melancholy and dripping with thoughts of blood and tears. Heal my scars and erase my memories- the good and the bad... For one cannot live while the other survives. Forgive my many pleas and mistakes and doubts. Forgive me Lord for killing those you've given me with my kindness. Let me just see You and no one else. Hide me from the world so I will not want what they say I need and so they will not ensnare me in their wickedness. Let them not see my face or my body or my soul for I am too raw and too naive to be trusted with their commentary. Keep me a mystery from the outside and vice versa. I don't want to know them. They don't want to know me. Hold me in Your arms and shield me from all they say and do. Although it hurts to let go, rip my earthly ties from me and don't let me return until my heart and my head have aligned their expectations. Lock me away and throw away the key while You forgive my soiled soul. Purify my mind and return my innocence and wholesomeness. Make me good again. I'm not good any more and I want to be good- because that's what You want, Abba. Forgive me for my lustfulness and my temptations and my attractions and impure acts. Forgive me for my neediness and my clingy nature. Retract my claws and cut off my hands so I may no longer hold anyone but You so close to me ever again. Humble me and humiliate me with your grace and perfection. Forgive me for the sin that I was born into. Withhold me from the Earth and from those who exist within it. Tell them all I love them before You take me away from it all so they know I did not ask for this to hurt them. Forgive me for being worried and hassled with all the wrong things. Forgive me for my negativity and lack of faith and lack of godly perspective. Tell me what to do and where to go for I have proven that I can't learn from my mistakes and that I am insane for expecting a different result from the same actions. Give me logic and intelligence instead of feelings and emotions. Make me clinical and analytical instead of caring and thoughtful. Change my design and rewire my mind for I have become too battered, broken and ill to be of any use to You in my current state. Forgive me for what I am and what I have become. Forgive me for my life and my being. Forgive me for my abuse of your blessings and for incurring upon my self, a curse instead of what you originally intended.
Forgive me... I ask that they all forgive me too.
Amen.
--J.
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