If I Were To Die

If I were to die today... I would be more than welcoming to an unknown abyss. I'd be okay to leave my world behind me and to be thrust into a new world. I wouldn't be happy to force a goodbye from my lips... but I would be okay if I did. I wouldn't hate myself for it.


I would be thankful for the rest that death would bring me. I wouldn't have to always try so hard and work so hard to receive the materialistic affirmation of other people who, if they really thought about it, don't care at all about my outcome. I wouldn't be forced to face my problems or my many insecurities. I would be far away from disappointment and brokenness, empty promises and hypocrites. All the people who have made me cry wouldn't be around me anymore. My body would be lowered into the ground where no one could bother me and my soul would be freed to a place where no doubts could enter nor could another scar me. I would finally be safe from a cold and ruthless world whose only purposes are to destroy what is not within their conformist criteria and to encourage colourless and empty 'ideals'. 


I would miss all who have loved me and all who I have loved. I would not say goodbye to them in the hopes of rather seeing them at another time. I would miss them but I would wish them the best. I'm sure some would be much better off without my existence.


I can't, however, will myself to be gone from this world. I cannot wish to be dead as much as I would like it to be true. I am here on this earth with a duty to serve and a term to fulfill. I cannot go until Home is where I am called. So until I'm called I will fight for that day where I can finally let go.


I await my death with open arms but do not wish for it any sooner than it was originally planned.


--J.