I'm anaemic. I suffer from sleep deprivation. I hate my body. I cut myself. I have mild clinical depression. I have problems... And I just wish that people would stop expecting me to simply get over them.
I'm not genuinely happy. I act happy and experience moments of happiness when I'm with people that I love and love me in return. At the same time though, I'm not a pessimist whose only goal in live is to shoot down any hope of being happy. Yes, I have self doubt and sometimes I'm negative about situations. That doesn't mean that I'm always negative. People expect things to be easy for you when they're looking from the outside in but how can a person actually do that?! You can't see inside me. You don't know what's raising me up or tearing me apart inside. So stop expecting me to be positive about everything just because you're in a good place in your life and because you're more sure of yourself than I am of myself.
As a Christian, I find it incredibly hard to live up to Godly expectations already so I don't need to be reminded that I'm not doing right by God when I'm negative about things instead of trusting Him. I know that God has a plan for my life and for everyone else but I am allowed to question the principle religion [religion as a whole- not Christianity by itself]and to challenge what I don't understand. I believe whole-heartedly that God sent His Son Jesus to die on the cross for the sins of the world so we could have a chance at an eternity in heaven. I'm ecstatic about that fact- It's great. However, that doesn't mean that I'm going to live my life without ever having a doubt and without making mistakes. I'm HUMAN... And yes, I love God and I will try harder to praise Him and to let His light shine through me but that doesn't mean I'm perfect!
I'm messed up. My own mind deceives me. I judge myself more harshly than anyone else does. I will never think I'm good enough for anyone. I'm a pathological people pleaser. A Type B personality if you want to be technical about it. I've gotten into the habit over the last two years of thinking more with my emotions and abandoning logic which means that I get hurt a lot more because I allow more things to affect me. Right now I'm sitting here having a heated debate in my brain about whether or not I'm talking about something credible at all. What I mean by that is that I'm so unhappy right now but at the same I am so incredibly lucky at the same time. There are millions of people in my own country, never mind the rest of the world, that are starving and are homeless without any hope of getting out of the slum that they are in. Yet here I am blogging selfishly about how I'm unhappy with myself and with my life. On the other side of the spectrum, I think about what my drama teacher once said to our class... "No problem is bigger or smaller than the other. Your problem is big to you and in your life. You can't compare problems." If we did compare problems, I think it would cause even more chaos because then nobody would think that their problems were good enough to deal with... And that would just make everything even worse than it was initially don't you think? So my problem(s) is/are big... To Me.
Right now, I feel like people are disappearing. Again. To me it seems that crucial people leave my life simultaneously. I remember in about March/April of this year that I felt like I do now. My dad went to Spain for a month for a camino walk. A friend of mine who I call my brother who is also my cricket coach seemed to disappear because I never saw him outside of cricket matches and practices and he hardly ever spoke to me. So he was gone too. Soon after, my best friend went to the U.S. to visit her family but during one of the most stressful times of my life when I really wished that she was there with me. Now it's similar. My 'brother' is gone because the second half of the cricket season is now over so I never see him. [Because I'm always so "negative" he doesn't like talking to me. Apparently I just speak about my problems. Maybe that's because nothing else gets a reaction. If I'm happy it feels like he reckons that he doesn't need to worry about. So I make him worry. I do anything to make him see that I'm still here- covered in blood- needing him. If he reads this he'll probably shake his head in disappointment, he'll be irritated and he won't speak to me. This won't make him see that I want him to be an active part of my life again and that I don't know what happened a year ago when he stopped talking to me all of a sudden. This is an assumption... I don't know what's going on his mind or in his heart. He won't let me in. No matter how many times I tell him I love him and that I think he's amazing.] Anyway, wow I digress. The guy that I am still so crazy about is no longer in South Africa, he's gone back to Namibia to be with his family before he comes back to Cape Town to study at UCT. Communication is hard and I don't know whether I should move on or embrace my feelings for him. Needless to say that he's gone. Perhaps the most recent occurrence in which I felt abandoned was with one of my closest friends. We were both elected as prefects for 2012 but due to the consequences of an infringement of sorts, she is no longer a prefect. She was the person I felt closest to in the prefect body. And because we haven't been as close lately I was secretly hoping that we would become as close as we used to be by both being prefects. When we received the news that she was no longer a prefect, I lost all hope in myself. I didn't want to be a prefect any more because she wasn't going to be there. [That was pure emotion talking- see? no logic on my end] I suddenly felt as though I was lost and as though I could not fulfil my duties as a prefect and as Deputy Head Girl because now something was missing. I just have so many holes in my heart and it's not like I don't try to be happy... It's just that I often find myself stumbling over those thoughts of loneliness and self doubt and hurt by accident and at any given moment. I can't pretend like I don't have things that are haunting me. Things that really are just hurting me.
I hate it when people think that you should be happy just because they are. I'm happy for those people who are genuinely happy, really I am. I just don't want to be judged for having problems... because everyone goes through painful experiences at some point in their lives.
Stop judging me! I speak more to myself than to anyone else. You are your own Simon Cowell/Randall Abrahams- It's so easy to point out the flaws in ourselves because it's the first thing we look for when we look at ourselves. Don't let yourself fall into that trap- trust me, it just ruins everything.
I hate society for having expectations. I Love My Friends. I Love My Family. I Love My 'Brother'. But I hate their expectations of me to be okay. I'm not okay. I'll get there on my own time though.
I Hate My Expectations Of Myself. I've broken myself.
Congratulations if you made it through reading this post. I suggest you go do something fun now.
Love.
--J.
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