All I Wish For

I apologize for dreaming beyond the realm of possibility but all I've ever wanted is to be wanted by you. Merely to be wanted would suffice for a girl as trapped as I... You, however, would be an offer I dare not refuse for fear of slowly dying for lack of trying.


I fantasize far too much for it to be considered as healthy. I see things too far from reality for them to become so. I imagine what is too far from my ever-reaching grasp. It kills me that as much as I try and as much as I will it to be... I cannot get what I want. I lack the capacity to execute the necessary means by which I can obtain what it is that I desire. Every fibre of my body denies me the ability to enjoy cynicism therefore I cannot, as much as I would like to, manipulate any given subject without struggling considerably. I am a people pleaser, a doormat if you will, which in turn makes me a person who is easily influenced or manipulated but who cannot reciprocate the same skill set as part of my resume'. 


Perhaps a more logical approach, instead of emotional drive, could be better utilised. It may be smarter of me to change my methods in terms of love and life. I have, after all, failed in all other attempts- not that there were all too many to be considered admirable. 


Without being loved so many times as I have loved, my heart has been considerably broken and scarred by the wonderful tenants that I allowed to take up residence in the many chambers of my heart. I regret loving no one. I only wish they all had treated my heart with slightly more respect. I wish they felt that I deserved more than what I was ultimately dished out. Promises are made in the beginning that each will be better than the last and that no harm will ever come to me while I am entertaining their friendship. Promises are always broken in my case. People leave in hordes at the most inopportune times. I only wish that the distaste wouldn't cease to continue. 


I am so easily twisted... So easily carved into what people want me to be. I only wish that I would recover as easily as I scar.


--J.