Ugly

I don't think that the person who introduced the concept of self-esteem really knew what they were doing at the time. Would it be naive of me to wish that people weren't so wicked with words? Sometimes you can have that moment where you can look in the mirror and think that you're actually looking pretty good... and then someone ruins it in the next instant- just to remind you that you don't deserve to feel beautiful or to be happy. They just make you feel damn ugly.


Today I was working on my drama monologue (Lorca, remember?) with my amazing [ex-]drama teacher. She did my make-up and made me look beautiful... but because of my "low self-esteem", I refused to look at myself. I'm not going to go into all the intricate details of my unbelievably depressive psyche regarding all of the "Whos" & the "Hows" & the "Whens". I was scared to see myself because I didn't feel like I had the right to be beautiful. The saddest part about it all was that all of this negativity is in MY mind. I choose to let certain things control me and I fool myself into thinking that I'm just wired that way and I cannot change that reality in my life. It's all lies... And I've gotten to the point where I'm sick of feeling like I'm not good enough.


Today I got home and it seemed like my entire family was just bent set on being against me. I looked really different with my make-up and whatever... My mom said I looked nice in a rather unconvincing tone and her eyes were saying "What are you trying to prove?". My brother didn't say a word but,to be fair, I really didn't expect him to. My sister, my dear older sister. She succeeded, as she has many a time, in effectively calling me and implying in  her words that I am ugly. When I walked out of our lounge and began to cry, my brother proceeded to call me a cry baby. It wasn't necessarily the most hurtful comment but it just stung at that moment in time. How can people who are supposed to love you, hurt you so blatantly and without a thought to how it's going to affect you?


Thanks to the advice of the wonderful Claire Watling, I now have a morning mantra! Every morning I have to look at myself in the mirror and say "I'm so thankful that I'm such a beautiful person who is valuable and loved."


Even though I know people are going to say things that hurt me, I'm going to keep my head up... Even when there are tears coming down my face. I refuse to be addicted to a lifestyle of misery, pain and disbelief in my ability and more importantly, for me, God's ability. I'm not a slave to a hateful society but rather a servant to a loving God. No one can choose my feelings towards myself. 


Don't EVER be fooled into thinking that the person bringing you down is better than you in any way. We are all beautiful, valued and LOVED! 


If it means that I am proud of who I am, how I look and what I stand for... Then I don't care. You can label me whatever you see fit. 


If it means that I'll be happy. Then yeah, I'll gladly be ugly.

This was a while ago with my good friend, Lynn. I didn't want to show my face... And now I don't know the memory behind my own hands- because I wouldn't allow myself to see it. You miss out on so much when you refuse to open your eyes. (BTW... I'm not blue in real life- it's just the effect in which the photo was taken. P.S. I think this is the longest photo caption ever!)

--J.