I Thought You Were The Exception

Should it come across as surprising that you are choosing to draw back from me? No, not all if I measured you up against everyone else who has hurt me in the past... But it's you. You can't do this to me.


Every new person that sneaks up on me and steals my heart winds up getting bored of me and leaving with a piece of me as a souvenir. That is what the trend predicts. However, to every rule there is always an exception. Am I simply stupid for wishing or thinking that you would be that exception.


You think you're protecting me... You're just hurting me. If you don't want me to develop feelings then consider it done... Why would would I intentionally jeopardise something that is of the utmost importance to me. The only thing that will hurt our friendship is if either of us change the people that we are in a negative way. I dare not change for fear of what I have to lose... but you seem more than willing to tempt fate by twisting what we have to seemingly "save" me from any unnecessary temptation.


I can't sleep... Hence the blogging. I think it best for me to mindlessly complain here about my feelings and pains than to cry any more over this. Yes, I did cry... After realising your intention to pull back from a friendship I thought meant something to you. I felt like bleeding, I felt like cutting... I wanted some physical equivalent to this pain. It's insane, you see... what happens when someone gets close to me and then tries to move away. 


It hurts so much. When it happens a second time you think it's coincidence but by the third time you start to question whether there's something wrong with you. Perhaps it is just that then... Something wrong with me. In which case, why don't I just go jump off a cliff right now and save you all the trouble of getting to know me before you're choked my over-dramatised and tragic soul. 


I never thought you would make me feel like this. I never thought the old memories, feelings and ghosts of the past would sting as much as they do. I'm not over any of it... Because I'm not all too great at moving on. 


The craziness is that... You know all of this about me. I let you in ever so blindly because I thought you were the exception.


I thought you wouldn't leave.


--J.