Smoke

He smelt amazing. One thing I love about a man that smokes in secret is that he always has to smell good... Or smell like something other than smoke at least. It was that almost overbearing sweet, spicy smell of men's cologne that mingled with the burning smell of nicotine. It was intoxicating. 

I only ever watched him smoke once. That was the day he kissed me for the first time. The big lofty curls of smoke that fumed from his mouth and nose, made him look even more like some untouchable deity that I was not worthy of even seeing. As he exhaled, he looked at me... with his bloodshot crazy eyes and he slowly winked at me. He was lying on his side on my bed. He wasn't wearing a shirt so I was looking elsewhere while my bedroom filled with sweet-smelling smoke. I raised my hand to my mouth and coughed quietly. He looked up from the cigarette, for the second time, and smiled mischievously as he watched me try to hide my distaste in his most beloved pass-time. He sat up and faced me. My back was pressed so far back into the headrest, I think I could've melted into it. Then he exhaled one more puff of smoke and began to move closer to me.

I don't know what happened to the rest of his cigarette... nor did I care at the time. His warm, muscular body was pressed up against mine as he gently held my head in his hands while our tongues explored one another. I could taste the smoke and I could feel the sensual burning in my body as every part of me set alight at his touch. When he moved back to admire his work, I lay there completely dazed and excited as I recalled each and every detail of the most recent of events. He smiled broadly again and then lay back on his side. I stared to see what he'd do next and I wondered what was running through his mind. As if he had heard my thoughts, he put my feelings in their place by reaching into his pocket and pulling out another cigarette.

He blew out a soft grey jet of smoke into the air and then closed his eyes for a moment. He took a deep drag of the second cigarette and then opened those crazy, bloodshot eyes...

And slowly winked at me.

--J.

I Change

I can't bare to tell them that I loved them first for their gender. I feel guilty for loving their physicality before their souls. I don't want them to know that I feel as though I've used them.


Sometimes, to a girl, boys are better friends than other girls can be. For me this is true for two cases. I have two guy friends that I consider myself to be close to. Other girls often carry their own emotional baggage and provide more problems than they're worth... Sometimes it's just so much easier to be friends with guys. There definitely isn't a shortage of imperfection but there seems to be a lot more honesty.


I feel guilty... Because I feel I've used two of my best friends. Physically, I can be very demanding... and the type of physical attention one receives from guys is so much more gratifying to me than any sort of physical attention between any of my female friends. Perhaps it is mainly to the fact that they are simply different and therefore, in a way, intriguing. All I know is that I love being physically loved by guys (what girl doesn't). I just know, however that because I am also very emotional I seem to need physical affirmation that much more.


If you read my previous post, you would realise my dilemma of not being able to "feel". My relationships with my two closest guy friends, I think, are a lot more physical than any of my other relationships (not in a sexual way)including my relationships with my father and brother. It could be considered unhealthy and perhaps I am setting myself up for later destruction by interacting with them the way I do. I understand the consequences  and I have begun to feel them set in.


I fear the change that is inevitable. I know that I'm the one who changes. Something within me causes me to shut down and block out. I'm the one who changes.


--J.                                                  

Quebrado

You get given a taste of magic, a taste of freedom and then it's all taken from you. There is never a warning or a careful let down nor is there every really any one to blame. There is always bad timing, judging onlookers and fear that manages to drive a wedge between us and all that could ever make us happy.


I don't understand. I am lost within a world filled with hurtful people. This life can be perfect for an instance but never longer... because happiness in us is what is envied by others. Pure bliss can entertain you for one moment when all of a sudden it can be snatched away from you by an undermining, insecure soul who is too desperate for their own happiness and too selfish to let you have yours.


I struggle so much,recently, to care... to feel. My relationships have definitely changed because of that. I'm more physically open because I feel less and touch means nothing any more... because I can no longer feel loved by man. I am broken. Anything from a friendly hug to a careful caress ignites nothing and goes no where. Nothing means anything any more because I can't feel.


One can try and try to feel again... But the more one tries, the more one rips at the seams. I tried to feel again... granted, with the wrong person and it has backfired on me. Rather than feel, I have ruined one friendship and dreadfully scarred another. Although I have not emotionally crossed any boundaries, I have physically overstepped in certain places. The only thing that I feel as a result though, is the overwhelming ache in my heart as the emptiness rages within me and despair slowly drowns me.


Things sadly change and every form of pseudo-happiness fades away. Thankfully, for my sanity's sake, there are relationships I have that run with a an ancient love and are stronger than my more recent relationships. They bring me happiness and strength to soothe the wounds in my soul. They do not, however, do enough to make me feel again. I merely clutch to the memories of a time when I felt all things deeply and purely. Now I am a mess.


I crave for reparation and restoration. I deeply wish I hadn't messed everything up yet again. If only my heart would cease to sit at the base of my throat and pound in my ears. If only my tears came only when I called upon them. 


If only I didn't have this pain in my chest where my heart used to lie and where my soul came to die...


--J.

Here's To Living

In hindsight, my last post was a bit irrational. I was upset and exhausted... Not nearly enough so that I would want to die though. I love living because all the unhappiness makes me appreciate the happy moments that I come across when I'm not really looking for them.


I'm still not in the greatest of spirits this morning. Mostly because I'mm irritated with the fact that people waste so much time arguing over petty things. Life is too precious and time is too scarce to fight. I don't understand why a fuss is made over something that, in the grander scheme of things, means absolutely nothing.


So for now, I guess I'll just grin and bare society's cruel guidelines. A fresh coat of black nail polish is in order to cover up the cracks... 


Here's to living.


--J.

I Thought You Were The Exception

Should it come across as surprising that you are choosing to draw back from me? No, not all if I measured you up against everyone else who has hurt me in the past... But it's you. You can't do this to me.


Every new person that sneaks up on me and steals my heart winds up getting bored of me and leaving with a piece of me as a souvenir. That is what the trend predicts. However, to every rule there is always an exception. Am I simply stupid for wishing or thinking that you would be that exception.


You think you're protecting me... You're just hurting me. If you don't want me to develop feelings then consider it done... Why would would I intentionally jeopardise something that is of the utmost importance to me. The only thing that will hurt our friendship is if either of us change the people that we are in a negative way. I dare not change for fear of what I have to lose... but you seem more than willing to tempt fate by twisting what we have to seemingly "save" me from any unnecessary temptation.


I can't sleep... Hence the blogging. I think it best for me to mindlessly complain here about my feelings and pains than to cry any more over this. Yes, I did cry... After realising your intention to pull back from a friendship I thought meant something to you. I felt like bleeding, I felt like cutting... I wanted some physical equivalent to this pain. It's insane, you see... what happens when someone gets close to me and then tries to move away. 


It hurts so much. When it happens a second time you think it's coincidence but by the third time you start to question whether there's something wrong with you. Perhaps it is just that then... Something wrong with me. In which case, why don't I just go jump off a cliff right now and save you all the trouble of getting to know me before you're choked my over-dramatised and tragic soul. 


I never thought you would make me feel like this. I never thought the old memories, feelings and ghosts of the past would sting as much as they do. I'm not over any of it... Because I'm not all too great at moving on. 


The craziness is that... You know all of this about me. I let you in ever so blindly because I thought you were the exception.


I thought you wouldn't leave.


--J.

Always - Kristian Stanfill

"Always"

My foes are many, they rise against me
But I will hold my ground
I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way, my help is on the way

 

Oh, my GOD, He will not DELAY
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His PROMISE is true
My God will come through always, always

 

 

Troubles surround me, chaos abounding
My SOUL WILL REST in You
I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way, my help is on the way

Oh, my God, He will not delay

My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

 


I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord

I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord 
From You Lord, from You Lord

 

Oh, my God, He will not delay

My refuge and strength always

I will not fear, His promise is true

My God will come through always, always

 

Oh, my God, He will not delay

My refuge and strength always, Always

_________________________________

--J.

Far Far Away

There once lived a girl in a land far far away. She had long, black hair and sparkling blue eyes. She was beautiful and perfect in every sense. 


No one could ever hate her... even those who tried to. No one could touch her... She could not be, in any way, flawed by another. No one dared to hurt her. Everyone smiled at the sight of her. She made everyone happy... Because she was perfect.


She had nothing and no one to fear. 


She would sit in a meadow of wild flowers and lift her eyes up to the golden sun as God seemed to smile down upon his most perfect and beautiful creation since Jesus Christ. This angelic little girl who could do no wrong. The clouds would not dare to look grey in her sight and when it rained, she was shielded by the very Hand of God.


Even when she had everything for doing nothing other than existing, no one envied her. No one could be jealous. No one coveted her fortunes and blessings but rather bestowed, upon her, more and more.


When she ultimately died, peacefully and gently in her sleep one night, the angels mourned. The earth began to bleed through the cracks that had begun to form and the heavens rolled back and unleashed its shameless tears. Her body was burnt and her ashes scattered while her soul remained to show itself through others so that the world may still see her perfection even if just for a moment. Her permanent likeness however, remained perfectly elusive.


She remained far far away.


--J.