"Inside"

Over a year ago, a concept came to me in a moment of rare and fleeting clarity. For a split second, I knew what I was feeling on the inside -  I was not awash in confusion as to what it was raging within me. I could hear the screaming within my rib cage. I could hear the roar.

What I felt inspired me to begin my recently completed piece that I have entitled 'Inside' - an acrylic painting of a lion on a standard A3 piece of paper. I stained the paper with coffee and tea and once it had dried, I drew the outline of a lion within a couple of days of having thought of the idea. However, I didn't touch it until under a year later. I was scared of screwing it up and of possibly being unable to bring the vision I had to life on the page that lay before me.

I got caught up in the busyness that was my second year of university so I shelved 'Inside' along with the majority of my creative pursuits until very recently. After finding myself to be exhausted by academics to a point of intense unhappiness and complete deficit of motivation, I decided to do some work for the soul and get out my art box once again.

I had drawn the complete outline of the lion in pencil so I had a considerable amount of anxiety about having to throw paint all over it (thereby having to completely remove my initial and only guidelines for the outcome of this piece which, needless to say, kind of freaked me out). There wasn't really a way around it of course seeing as it was the only way I would get any closer to finishing the piece that had been collecting dust at the bottom of my art box for the past 10 or 11 months. I originally planned to simply re-draw the silhouette over the colour layers before the final stage however, the acrylic dried with an incredibly smooth and glossy finish which made it pretty much impossible to execute my original plan without damaging the progress I had made thus far. Luckily I figured out a way, using a 6B pencil and preschool-level colouring skills, to imprint the outline on the new surface I had to work with. 

Then came the tough part - the difficulty came mostly from having to do fine detail. I suppose it was probably just more time-consuming than it was difficult... so naturally patience was required (just FYI - I am probably one of the most impatient people on the planet and being an amateur artist and a writer with that specific character trait is not necessarily the best thing).

Anyway, without any further ado here is a sequence of photos showing the journey and phases of my most recent piece, "Inside". I went through a lot of change, introspection and what I believe to be personal growth over the last year and this piece could quite possibly have been, in part, a catalyst for all of that. So here it is -  hope you dig it.

  -- J.

What 10 Days Without Eating Taught Me

A while back - almost two weeks before Easter of this year - I decided to try out my own rendition of the (in)famous Master Cleanse. I looked up exactly how to do it and what I would need and then set a date for myself. I wanted to do something drastic and unexpected... I wanted to accomplish something that the people around me would never even attempt for themselves. I learnt a lot more than I expected and experienced challenges and pleasant surprises along the way.

I started out doing this with the intention to lose weight quickly - sustainability of this weight loss was not what I was concerned about or striving towards, I just wanted to test whether it could be done at all. I wanted to see if I could be that girl who could drastically lose weight in a short period time and have everybody stare and take notice. I was seeking some semblance of control in a midst of chaos that I could not seem to find relief or escape from. I don't think I understood, at the beginning, the amount of personal growth I was to undergo as my body withered away.

I literally lived on lemon water and a couple of teaspoons of honey every day. I would take a multivitamin and a Herbex supplement as well... I think that was mostly to ease my mother's nerve though. I think the hardest part was the in the beginning - around the first two to three days - when I really started to feel the hunger to a point where I walked around in perpetual discomfort. After that stage though, I genuinely didn't feel hungry any more. I developed strategies to distract myself and to compensate for the lack of food. I followed A LOT of food blogs and Instagram accounts and made a mental list of all of the amazing things I would be able to eat if I were to complete this challenge I had set for myself. I suppose that sounds like it would be counter-productive for some but I actually found it quite helpful. Another thing I realized after reaching about the half way mark was that a sense of hunger is largely a psychological response as opposed to a physical one. I was able to convince myself that I wasn't hungry and that I actually didn't need to eat... soon enough the desire to eat would go away. As my body got used to the lack of food, it also got easier because the hunger aches went away and I wasn't so heavily aware of food.

After a short while, I noticed the changes that I felt. I was extremely fatigued throughout the entire experience which can be expected - I wasn't putting any energy into my body besides the occasional cup of black coffee or green tea or an energy/vitamin effervescent. I wasn't just craving sleep, my muscles also felt incredibly weak and pretty much like mush by the end of it. I had to start leaving my res ten minutes earlier for classes because I just couldn't walk as fast. Stairs were a mission, unexpected detours were a definite no and as soon as I started moving around, all I wanted to do was sit or lie down again. I am not a frequent nap-taker but during this time, every time I happened to lie down on a soft surface I was out like a light. I mentally drained as well - I was still able to get work done throughout this time but it took me considerably longer to process things. Even in general conversation, it took me a while to answer questions that required a little more thought or contemplation. It was more annoying for me to be mentally slowed than physically. Sometimes I feel like my mind is kind of all I have going for me so I'd do my utmost to protect it.

Here are some important lessons I learnt while doing this 'cleanse':

1.) Be kind to yourself.

When I decided I was going to do this, I naturally got a lot of negative feedback from my family and friends. I expected this of course and I know it all came from a place of genuine concern for me. However, it meant that I was going into this alone essentially. My family and friends were more ready to catch me when I fell as opposed to helping me positively along the way. It was more a matter of trying to talk me out of it - which I understood. It just meant that I had to be my own source of encouragement. I had to be patient and gentle with myself in order to stay somewhat sane throughout the process. It was not a time in which I could afford to be dependent on anyone else. This was a period of growth and awareness within which there was no room for self doubt or self hate.

2.)Your personal conception of beauty is the one that matters.

I went into this with conception of beauty that was very much informed by socio-cultural circumstances. Skinny is pretty, fad dieting and weight loss pills... All of that jazz. Perfection is our disease of choice and unfortunately, as I realized quite abruptly in doing this, that I have been sick for a very long time. I have always considered the opinions of others way too highly when it comes to my physical appearance and I have never quite been able to shake it. I have always defined my beauty or lack thereof according to the preferences and expectations of absolute strangers. When I find that I am attracted to someone, my immediate thought is that I need to lose weight in order for them to like me. Even though I see girls of all shapes and sizes in happy and healthy relationships, I've always just assumed that in order for me to ever be able to attract someone I have to be thinner. 

I pride myself on being somewhat of a gender rights activist as of late... I despise the idea of discrimination particularly when based on someone's anatomy. It just doesn't make any sense to me for people to be denied certain privileges and basic human dignities on the basis of a chromosome. It then dawned on me that my conception of beauty was formed on the basis of what men think of me and how attractive I am to them. However, it shouldn't matter at all to me how they view me for who are they to have any power whatsoever in determining my value and worth as a human being? 

As long as I can stand in front of the mirror and like what I see and who I am solely on the basis of being myself, I am happy. I will no longer play victim to a twisted and elitist understanding and appreciation of beauty.

3.) Learn & be creative.

Not eating frees up your day quite considerably. I found it was a great time to draw and to write (even if it remained unpublished). Read a book, watch a water color art tutorial on YouTube, make an origami swan. Instead of feeding your stomach, feed your soul and your imagination... you'd be surprised as to just how hungry the other parts of your being are and how consistently you ignore them. 

I mentioned earlier that I started following a lot of food blogs and Instagram accounts - this was partly for inspiration. I wanted to ensure that any food that I was to consume after having completed the cleanse was not only healthy but not boring or bland as well. I was delighted to find so many great ideas and recipes that express exactly what I was looking for. Expand your cooking repertoire and spice up an otherwise bland diet - for me, as a student I often have very little time to consume anything other than rice cakes, popcorn and tea...

4.) Smile

I went through a lot of really dull moments where I was plagued by fatigue, hunger, mild depression, work stress, etc. I had to force myself to smile sometimes and to laugh at jokes I found to be stupid to keep myself from spiraling down into a black abyss of despair. Even if your smile is wholly insincere, it relaxes your facial muscles and calms you on a physiological level. So just do it, okay? Trust me on this. If you're a cynic like me then smile sarcastically or in spite of someone else if you have to. There are an infinite amount of reasons to smile in this world even though those reasons are equally matched by reasons not to. I hate to say it because I am a proud nihilist and pessimist at the best of time but positivity is key in life.

5.) Be thankful.

I gained a lot of respect for people who go without food just because that is life for them - for the people who don't have a choice. I felt like a bit of a spoilt brat by giving up a life of apparent luxury on a very small scale but at any moment I could have given up on my goal and gone back to endlessly stuffing my face why millions of people are starving. I am truly blessed and my life overflows with grace. I am extremely thankful for my family and friends... regardless of their views on and opinions of my actions - the fact that they were present is most certainly a gift. I truly have far more than I deserve.

6.) Be proud.

By this I don't meant to condone arrogance or a boastfulness. I do however promote a quiet and humble pride (if that is not too paradoxical). As someone with very little confidence, this kind of achievement did wonders for me... especially in seeing the results of it. It is important to not limit yourself and a healthy pride in your achievements helps a lot in your affirmation of yourself. By achievements I don't mean you have to constantly be winning at life - that is certainly not how things are quite panning out for me... I mean that you should be proud in your success as well as in your failure because therein lies a lesson that you probably would not have learnt otherwise. 

I can confidently say that I feel better about myself and about my body for having had this experience. I obviously gained back the weight I lost because it wasn't about sustainable weight loss after all but I don't think I've ever been happier with my body even though I am not at my thinnest. I also feel stronger mentally for having done this - the growth in terms of my self control and belief in my own ability has been amazing and invaluable. I am filled with gratitude.

I hope that you found this to be an interesting read and that it has given you something to think about. If you would like any more information about the type of cleanse I did or would like to look into any type of meditative or spiritual fast of any kind, comment below and I'll do my best to direct you to the best (and safest) sites for more information.

I do not promote or condone any sort of eating disorders of any kind - whether it be anorexia, bulimia, etc. If you know anyone who is suffering from either of these or a similar condition, please gently direct them to seek help or at least assure them of your willingness to support them. For more information about eating disorders and in order to contact treatment and support facilities in South Africa, please visit the following website --> http://eatingdisorderssa.com/

Have a wonderful day further! Be brave, be bold, be beautiful.

--J.

P.S. Below are some pictures I took while on my ten day journey just to give you some idea of what was going on. I suppose it's not particularly helpful seeing as I didn't take a 'before' photo but I lost about 8kgs at the end of it.

Crushes, The Kooks & Mild Procrastination

I haven't had a crush on anyone - like a brand new, passionate crush - in years. I had completely forgotten what it feels like yet now it has crept up on me and hit me right in the chest with full force. I am so at a loss to be entirely honest because I don't know what to do with these feelings except write. I haven't been inspired to write so strongly by an emotion in a very long time - my emotions have called for suppression rather than expression as of late.

The dynamics of having a crush on someone never really change in composition but rather they vary in degrees of intensity. I wouldn't really now where to rank my most recent crush but I would have to say that it's quite up there in the standings due to the fact that it has come on so quickly and resides within me so strongly.

(Now playing: Young Folks - The Kooks)

Staying true to myself, I've gone and developed feelings for someone that I cannot be with. Am I the queen of unrequited love or what? It has gotten quite tiring to always be said no to - even if only implicitly - and actually, the rejection I have had to withstand has been downright painful. I regret none of it though. I am a 'reacher' and not a 'settler' so naturally I am going to be drawn to the people way out of my league. It is a rather unfortunate habit and I think I may just tone it down a bit before I go completely crazy.

(Now playing: Over the Love - Florence & The Machine... Ha! How appropriate is this song right now though!)

I really enjoy the excitement that comes along with being completely caught up in somebody else's existence. It has been an age since I have been filled with joy like I have been for the past few weeks now. I feel slightly more bipolar than usual to be entirely honest... because one moment I am stressed and depressed about other personal dilemmas and the amount of work I have to do and then the next, everything wrong with life has dissipated into thin air and I am reduced to a smiling idiot. Dear crush, how does it feel to know that I am such a fool for you? (I highly doubt you'd ever stumble across my blog but anyway...)

(Now playing: Eskimo Kiss - The Kooks... You might be starting to realize that I am quite in love with their stuff. If you don't know who they are; 1) Shame on you, 2) Go get educated --> http://thekooks.com/#!/home)

I forgot what I was actually going to say in this next section because my wonderful roommate and I decided to take a video of us rambling on about our day and that managed to take us just over an hour because of the amount of time we spent laughing and eating. I have an 4000 word essay due in a couple of days that I haven't done much work on so I should be getting off of social media and my beloved blogging platforms to go and pursue academic excellence some time soon. However, before I can do anything productive I need to get these thoughts out of my head and onto paper before I am rendered utterly useless by daydreams and fantasies. 

(Now playing: Video Games - Lana Del Rey... Note: She's my absolute favourite. Lana = Life. BAE.)

So anyway, back to this whole crush business. I am thankful for actually knowing where I stand with this person i.e. I know that nothing is going to happen between us because it just makes it easier to be normal. I don't feel pressurized to impress said crush because I know my efforts would be fruitless. Now all that's left is to get the pesky infatuation feels out of my system. All should be well in time. I am thankful for my feelings and I believe that they are entirely understandable because Crush is amazing. I wouldn't have feelings for just anyone or someone who was a complete and total <insert bad word here>. So, I suppose I have to be kind to myself for a little bit and admit that it's okay and there are countless others in the same boat as myself. 

Dear Crush, thank you for making me excited about life. Thank you for making me want to go to gym in order to get back into shape. Thank you for inspiring me to write (BIG thank you). Thank you for being someone who is able to understand my mind. Thank you for giving me a hope in my ability to feel something for other people instead of believing that I would never find someone that I'd be drawn or attracted to. Thank you for making me realize how insignificant I am - I don't mean that in a self-hate kind of way... I am just utterly floored by all that you are and I am truly grateful on behalf of humanity for the fact that you are on this Earth. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for filling my head with thoughts of happiness and reasons to smile for no other reason than thinking of you.

(Now playing: Conquistador - Thirty Seconds To Mars)

I think I should wrap thing up here... mostly because I need to stop procrastinating and get back into work mode. I just have to hang in there for a couple more days before I get a week of vacation (catch up on studying and assignments) - urgh. Knowing myself though, I am certain that Crush will make an appearance or two in my head and succeed in distracting me to a point of Facebook stalking or emotional eating (Jokes! I'll probably end up on YouTube or Tumblr because therein lies the answers to life. Basically.)

I'm a student at Stellenbosch University (proud Matie) and we have an anonymous crushes page which never fails to amuse and sometimes disturb me. If you're a student at SU with a crush and you don't know about this page by now (which would be hard to believe), go and submit your crushes anonymously! Check it out on Facebook --> https://www.facebook.com/MatiesCrushes 

If you're reading this and have a crush on someone too, then all of the best! Don't be shy to be open and honest. I hope that it works out for you if it is truly meant to be!

Love to all,

--J.

P.S. I wrote a poem about my crush (ah, such a typical girl move) and it's chilling on Tumblr for the world to see. I'd love if you gave it a read. Feel free to Like or Reblog that ish and give me a follow if my Tumblr is to your liking - message and say that Talking To Teacups sent you and I'll be sure to give you a follow back and a shout out.

http://cutthroatsweetheart.tumblr.com/post/96303533331/i-thought-perhaps-i-was-attracted-to-you-because

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy

I hope you find some sort of comfort in the fact that I blog far less frequently nowadays out of consideration of what you have told me in regards to the content of the majority of my posts. You were right, of course, to say that the nature of my writing depicts my life as something that it is definitely not. I am a very blessed child to the point that some would look at me and call me spoilt. My blogging often reflects a very different picture - one of constant sadness and a tortured mind and soul. 

The truth is that a person is consistent of many parts. I have chosen to mainly express the parts of myself that I generally cannot speak about to my family and friends in person through the means of various blogging platforms. There is something impersonal yet still intimate about sharing your life online. You don't know who will read what you write or what they really think unless explicitly expressed. All I see are the number of page views I get. I am hardly a good enough blogger to warrant the comments of others nor is the content I generally discuss that which stirs others to say anything back to me. It just feels comforting to know that I can say what I otherwise feel that I cannot.I do recognize, however, that what I say here most of the time is deeply unfair to the people who love me. I admit that I have created a somewhat skewed perception of my life and for that I apologize with all sincerity. 

That being said, I would like you to know that I am struggling. Despite my blessings, I am finding life very difficult at the moment... and I have been for quite some time. I feel ashamed for even saying that because I do not really understand why I could possibly be so filled with anguish and pain when I have so much to be joyful about and so much to be thankful for. It drives me crazy to think what I put you through on the basis of the fact that you and Mommy love me more than I could ever begin to comprehend. I feel guilty and stuck in a sea of terrible habits that I have only just begun to sift through.

I am lost. I thought that I could go about life being informed by that which everybody else wants. I am lost because I have no true sense of who I am. I cannot separate myself and my own needs from what others expect from me and of me. I am trying to determine whether those should have be separated all of the time. I am trying so hard to find my feet in a world that is, I feel, spinning just a little too quickly for me. I know my mother has a go-to answer and that is to trust in God and to find myself in relation to the Lord. She's right. However, it is a far greater feat than I have ever imagined. The world is so critical and so vast and I am still trying to get a sense of what I actually believe and to what degree my faith needs strengthening. I feel so ill-equipped in the face of daily temptations, pressures and expectations. I feel weak. I know I am weak. I don't think there is anything else that I pray for more than strength.

I am scared. I fear failure and the looming dark cloud of my own inadequacy. I fear that I will never be able to feel as though I have made you and Mommy proud even though you have told me that you are on countless occasions. I fear that I will never be a good enough sister to my siblings because I focus so often on what they are better at than me and I find myself belittling my abilities and achievements according to what they have achieved or are able to do better than I. I am scared that I will never be good enough for someone - I fear rejection and I fear loneliness. It eats away at me everyday to think of the possibility that I will never find love and be able to experience the magic and the splendor of marriage that you and Mommy have been an example of to me. It scares me to think that I have set standards that are too high and that I will have to settle. I am scared of the idea of submission and feel deeply threatened by the idea of being dominated. I am already a doormat to most and I cannot do it anymore... especially not in a long-term, committed, intimate relationship. I fear that it will kill me to be in the shadows any longer. I feel as though I am burning in the dark, screaming violently among a crowd of the deaf. I am scared that I will end up doing something that makes me miserable... and that is what motivates to do something different.

I am mostly apologetic for the fact that I have given you so much unnecessary grief but there's a part of me that is glad for having never been close to perfect. At least I have the joy of making your life interesting through my strangeness. I have always managed to make a mess of things - even now I find that this post has become a lot about the sadness of my life and I just want you to know that that is not what I am trying to get at. I want you to be able to understand what is going on in my life, in my head and in my heart. In the midst of the problems that are largely of my own creation, please know that I am grateful. I am thankful; I recognize that I am divinely favored where others are not. I have an on-going education, I have a home, I have safety, I have loving friends and family, I don't have a war being waged above my head or on my doorstep, I have access to an abundance of opportunities that the majority of this world cannot even fathom. I know that everything that I have is thanks to you and thanks to my mother... and thanks to the merciful, gracious God that gave it to you in the first place. I am blessed. I am blessed. I am blessed.

While I am hurting and I am sad, I ask for your prayer and your support. I ask for patience and I ask for guidance - not that you do not provide or offer those things readily and more than willingly. I do not want to be stuck in the dark corners of my life only to ignore the abundance of light handed to me with no strings attached. I need your advice and your hugs and your affirmation of me now more than ever. I need to find what it is within me that prevents from letting myself feel the love that I have been immersed in all of my life. "The fruit is right in front of you... You have only to taste it."

I am sorry that it is taking so long. I am sorry that it is not something I have found to be easy to do. I am sorry that I have been unfair and self-destructive to a point where it has caused me to become so self-absorbed.

I have chosen to do this blog post as an attempt to prove that not everything I write has to employ a tortured undercurrent. How could I ever write to or about my Daddy without an overwhelming sense of love, peace, gratitude, respect and admiration?

I love you. I truly love you.

- Agony blogger

  Number Three

  Your baby girl

  

  Jillian

Long Time No Ramble

I always find myself regretting not blogging more regularly yet I don't do anything about it for the majority of the time. It's been so long since I've written for the public that I'm not even too certain if the rules of the game are still the same. My words are probably old and overused. I probably won't have anything of substance to say - that's my problem when it comes to putting my thoughts into words, there's a whole 'lost in translation' thing that occurs and I end up not saying all that really needs to be said and focusing too much on other things. I need to learn to live a more nuanced life. 

Possibly the only reason why I'm writing, to be honest, is because I lost my phone last night. I'm distraught... and yes, I'm that girl. I am 100% miserable for having lost my phone. My phone is a filler. I spend more time scrolling through feeds and liking photos than sitting alone with myself and just being. I'm a typical first world brat. Here I am blogging on my own laptop with uncapped Wifi, reclining on my queen sized bed in my house (one with a roof, walls, fences and doors that lock)and complaining about the loss of my iPhone 5S after a day of drinking with good friends while there are children starving in my own country, families are being destroyed by the lethal combination of winter and poverty, Gaza is under attack. There's so much more to this world, really... yet I'm super-glued to my superficiality. I'm a hypocrite. I am just as vapid as the people I scowl at when they complain about their crush not texting them back soon enough.

My phone is an excuse. It's a brilliantly effective numbing agent. I am desensitized to everything going on in and around me. I stare at a bright screen all day and fool myself into thinking myself to be productive when I'm just being as much of a nothing as possible. I'm hoping that's the extent of lesson I was supposed to gain after having experienced this. I just want to get away from this uncomfortable feeling of disconnectedness. I can't be alone with myself right now... Not when I have yet to truly learn how to be okay with all the sides of me.

I miss my best friends. One of them I saw just yesterday but I don't think there's ever going to be a point where I'm going to think that I've seen her for long enough. It's kind of annoying not being able to become sick of someone. It's the exact opposite with her really. I'm addicted to my friendship with her - I go from moment to moment holding on to the high woven into the remains of memories of the times I've shared with her. She's just like me. She knows... or at least I hope she does. Being with her is a way of facing myself without actually having to face myself, you know. It's bizarre because I love her to death yet I hate myself and wish for death despite the fact that I think we have twin souls. She's like Harry Potter and I'm Voldemort - we have wands that share the same core... She's the Chosen One and is meant for greatness while I'm a monster that destroys everything that I touch. My other best friend lives in Wilderness and I haven't seen him since the end of first semester. I want to go and visit him so badly because I need to laugh and to be in a place free of the complex and chaotic happenings within my mind. I can't go because I'm working and don't yet have the money I would like to have when I'm over there with him - he thinks the business I'm in is a waste of his time too so he's not exactly happy with me using as an excuse (Before your dirty minds run wild, I'm not a prostitute... Just thought I'd clarify). He's silly and fun and exciting. When I told him I lost my phone he called me stupid. I'm annoyed but oddly comforted. He makes me feel like a horrible and dull human being - that's my way of saying that he makes me want to be a better person. I really shouldn't have best friends. I'll ruin things again and they'll leave. I shouldn't love them so madly yet I cannot find justice in loving them any less. 

I'm running in circles trying to avoid the irritating admin that comes along with dealing with my shit. Over time all I've actually gained is the knowledge that life is ought to be lived in the grey areas, you know. It goes against human nature to live life without an attempt to organize one's existence according to the concepts the society we were born into places in front of us. I used to think that I just wanted answers to my problems - a side effect of an instant gratification driven generation. Now I am more certain that the last thing I am going to find are clear cut solutions. All I really want is a sense of peace within the light and dark facets of myself. I don't want relief, I want acceptance of pain.

Sigh, okay enough rambling for now. I'll probably be back here doing this again because I'm not going to have awfully much to do until I can make a plan for a replacement phone on Monday or Tuesday. I'm most upset that the title for this post is going to be ridiculously lame... because my blogging game is just that weak at the moment.

When Can We Be Safe?

I don't often find that I have extensive difficulty falling asleep but when I do, I feel frustrated at the cause for my insomnia. Last night I lay awake, tossing and turning for the greater part of the first few hours of 5 April 2014, due to the relentless fear that was welling up inside of me. I am blessed to have all of the things that I have - the security that a home and family provides within a relatively safe environment. Yet why does that not protect me from this feeling of uncomfortable vulnerability? Why is it that I am unable to feel safe?

The cruel happenings and injustices that are constantly being reported do more than simply worry me - they anger me profusely. As a South African woman, to have to constantly live in fear is an infringement on my freedom that I cannot stand. It is horrendous to me that there are people in this country of our who are willing and motivated to strip away the freedoms of others. It as though the struggle of Apartheid came to an end only to open the floodgates an entirely new struggle of a psychological nature. Our country is poisoned and ill because of the atrocities performed by people tainted by wickedness and hatred. I often find myself asking nothing more than, "WHY?".

More often than not, the crimes we hear about on the news or read about in our newspapers are performed by the men in our country. Rape and murder are broadcast in every other headline and while it makes me sick to my stomach, it also makes me more than curious as to why the men in our country behave in the way that they do. I have always been taught that rape is not about sexual desire but rather about the acquisition of power. That leads me to question as to just what is it within our society and respective cultures that causes people to be so starved of power that they are compelled to perform acts of sheer evil upon the innocent and often helpless members of society. 

I find the answer can be found in various facets of society. We can look almost immediately to the shortcomings of our government - in failing to deliver promises for job opportunity and affordable housing among other things, the government proceeds to render South African people essentially powerless to their situations. One can't simply relegate all blame to the government but unfortunately that is what happens - people expect the government to solve all of their problems and to provide them with everything. The sense of complacency and entitlement that is all too common in this country makes me angry because we end up relinquishing our own God-given power as individuals. So while there are instances where people have little or no control over their situations, we also do little to protect and utilize personal power and initiative. All of this talk of power and what do we have to show for it? An emasculated society characterized by increasing nihilism and feelings of futility.

None of what I have just mentioned is by any means an excuse or a justification for the indecencies committed by people in this country. It is obvious that not everybody in difficult circumstances feels compelled to rape and murder others out of desperation and lust for power. However, the awareness needs to be created that we cannot stand by and wait for power to be thrust upon us because it is something that is inherent and only when unlocked from within can it truly be utilized. Don't get me wrong, the government and complacency (in short) cannot solely be blamed for the ridiculously high levels of crime in our country but it can be identified as a part of the problem that can be dealt with. With the 2014 elections coming up in just over a month's time, I urge the people in our country to choose wisely but also to not depend solely on an inevitably imperfect government to make their world a better place.

To rapists out there, I urge you to stop with all of my heart. Every time I read about an incident of rape, my blood boils and I am filled with more anger and fear than I know what to do with. I wish that more people would take a stand. Nothing will get solved with everybody just sitting around and simply being shocked and/or saddened by the news they hear and read only to change the channel or recycle their newspaper. I look at myself and my friends, the little kids I work with, my family members, passersby in the shops, etc. and I'm filled with the anxiety and worry that just about any one of us could potentially be made victims. 

I consider myself to be blessed to have a home and to live in a relatively safe environment yet if I have cause to be fearful, I can only imagine what runs through the minds of others living in conditions far less favorable than my own. I fear for my country and for the safety of the innocent. I fear that the psyche of South Africans will only further become twisted and tormented lest we take an active stand against those who threaten of supposedly inalienable human rights... otherwise, when can we be safe? 

--J.

Drowning in Fire

I wish I had an inkling as what to say. It has become increasingly difficult to find words lately - the chaos in my mind has become so tangled to the extent that it is no longer comprehensible. I just know that I am scared and sad... and holding onto hope wherever I can find it.

I haven't blogged in a while because, for the longest time, I have not felt comfortable enough to write anything to be publicly share. I haven't really had any desire to write in order to publish something to my blog... I've just been writing a lot in private in order to try and find some peace and quiet within the whirlwind of my mind. I found it to be therapeutic but only up until a certain point. Writing about what I've been feeling makes it somewhat less overwhelming but it also makes it that much more real to me. Furthermore, having your feelings and heartache laid out in front of you on a page doesn't mean that the problems you have identified will be magically solved.

It is definitely a struggle to find someone who I talk to - of course the problem also lies in that I generally don't want to talk to anyone at all yet I reluctantly admit that it would probably be best for me. I have trust issues and I generally don't talk about myself if it can be avoided. It's difficult thereafter to find someone who could stand a chance of understanding me. I'd much rather isolate myself - especially now when I feel like I'm being slowly suffocated within my own mind.

I have never quite known before what it meant to be at war with yourself - to be eaten alive from the inside out by your own demons. I feel like my life has become an antithesis or paradox within itself. My heart and my soul are on fire yet while I burn I feel drowning - choking, struggling and unable to breathe.

--J.