"Yes, you look wonderful tonight."

I can't honestly be the only person on the planet who is frustrated with themselves for having an imagination. Thanks to romantic movies and novels, ridiculous happy endings and imagination able to fabricate morbidly unrealistic expectations and desires... I am doomed to a love life drenched in disappointments. The man of my dreams doesn't exist within a tangible or accessible reality. So then what of me? What do I do in terms of love if I know that what I am truly searching for, I will never find? 

How does one then know if they've ever found the best person for them? How do I know when to stop looking? Do I settle? I hate that idea. In fact the idea of settling makes me cringe. I haven't ever been in love but I just know that I want to do it right and not to ever live with regret. I know that wanting to not make any mistakes is unrealistic but I can't help but want to me happy from now on. I'm not even 19 but I've managed to become sick and tired of being miserable - I've been depressed enough for a life time in my opinion. I'm fighting so badly to be happy and I know that particularly in my case, any misstep I take(in relation to love) will just send me into regression that I am just not strong enough for.

Perhaps I am not being totally unrealistic in my expectations or standards when it comes to the kind of guy I want to be with. Maybe what I desire in a man is completely within the realm of possibility. Mr. Right may exist... He may just not be someone that I have met just yet. That could be possible right? I'm doubtful though... My imagination is definitely not a fan of being realistic so I don't know why I could ever trust it to be in a case that is so vulnerable and open to manipulation. 

I want a guy who is funny and sweet... You know, all the pretty standard stuff. I want what pretty much every girl wants in terms of personality... That desire relates to the side of me that is standard and basic. It's the other more quirky sides of me that give rise to the weirder kind of things that make me think I'll never truly find what I want. What if I'm too much of a weirdo to find a guy that will fit my personality just right?

I want a guy that will be weird like me and stare at clouds all they time... Because clouds are amazing, okay. I want someone who wants to hug and hold me all of the time because I feel loved through physical affection. I don't necessarily need a guy to kiss me all the time (that wouldn't be too bad either but it's not entirely necessarily). I don't think it's surprising at all but I'm definitely a cuddler. I want a guy who will put up with my teasing and tease me back... but more importantly, while I want someone I can have fun with like that, they need to know the line between teasing and rudeness. There's a fine line and some people have a really big problem with it. While I can stand and rather enjoy the whole teasing game, I'm still a huge softy and it's not difficult to hurt my feelings so it's important to me to find a guy who isn't going to take jabs at my self esteem (even if it's not necessarily intentional) but at the same time, encourages me not to take myself so seriously.

I want a guy who loves capturing beautiful moments or even not-so beautiful moments. I'm a creative person so I need a guy who has a creative streak somewhere within him. I can't be bored. I need a bit of fun and a bit of colour. That's just how I am. I need to bounce my creativity off of someone else with a return as well. At the same time though, I need a guy who is logical and intelligent to certain degree because not only do I find that extremely attractive but I need it. I need to be intellectually as well as creatively stimulated.

I want a guy who loves me no matter what I look like. I want a guy that will encourage me to dress up and sing Eric Clapton's 'Wonderful Tonight' in his head when he sees me. I want a guy who will love me and call me beautiful when I'm wearing pyjamas and when I wake up in the morning looking absolutely magical (note the sarcasm). When I'm with a guy, I don't ever want to feel ashamed of who I am or what I look like. That would mean that I'm not with the right guy if I base a negative opinion of myself on the expectations of a guy which are unrealistic for me to fulfil.

I want someone who is spontaneous while still structured. While I'm a fan of routine, I do love to be pleasantly surprised at times. I love attention to detail and those 'Awww babe!' moments - as weird as that may sound... I'm a sucker for mushy moments and romance so I need a guy who is going to make me feel special and who actually wants to make me feel special (What girl doesn't want to feel special). I'm not a total mush ball all the time though... Sometimes I can be a real grumpy monkey. That's my real problem - I'm so bipolar and all over the place... I want and need someone that is able to keep up with me in that way.

Perhaps the most important thing that I want in a guy is strong faith and spirituality. I'm a Christian and my faith is very important to me. If I want to spend my life with one other person, the Christian faith and  lifestyle is kind of a deal breaker. I love God before any man and that is how things will also be without negotiation and hesitation. I need a guy who respects God and who is able to be a spiritual leader of me and of a family I hope to one day have. That's a lot to ask for and a lot to expect of someone. I just hope that if I am ever attracted enough to someone, I'm not swayed so much as to compromise or settle for anything less than what I know I deserve and need. 

Is there a perfect guy... or a just a perfect guy for me at least? Will there ever be some one who will adore and love me fully? I don't even know if it's realistic or even healthy to expect that I an amazing guy will see me as good enough or worth falling for. For now, I suppose only time will tell.

--J.

"It's late in the evening; she's wondering what clothes to wear.
She'll put on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair.
And then she asks me, "Do I look all right?"
And I say, "Yes, you look wonderful tonight."

We go to a party and everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady that's walking around with me.
And then she asks me, "Do you feel all right?"
And I say, "Yes, I feel wonderful tonight."

I feel wonderful because I see
The love light in your eyes.

And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize how much I love you.
It's time to go home now and I've got an aching head,
So I give her the car keys and she helps me to bed.

And then I tell her, as I turn out the light,
I say, "My darling, you were wonderful tonight.
Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight.""

Perpetual Fear

I am a rather fearful person in general. If something has the potential to hurt me, then chances are that I will have a corresponding phobia of that thing. So fear is nothing new to me yet I have recently found myself to be facing the fear of one specific thing most prominently. I fear one particular person - one so-called friend... And it is the most painfully controlling thing I have ever experienced.

I'm an idiot. I really am and I know it all to well... I honestly don't think that I am mature enough to be able to change that about myself just yet. So for now, I'm stuck being a typical girl about everything. Over-thinking every little thing, making endless dramatic assumptions... I do all of that - in short I cause all of my own problems and feed my own fears. So therein lies the root of my problem and my current pain. My fear has grown to consume me as a result of my own mind's destructive nature.

It is perhaps the most belittling feeling to live in fear of someone... especially if you happen to care about that certain 'someone'. You feel like you're nothing. I didn't think it would possible for me to feel so incredibly small in the presence of another person - yet here I am, paralysed in fear. I hate feeling so utterly useless but I have yet to be able to control the way I feel. My emotions and therefore my fears have manifested themselves and have congealed to a certain extent that my relationship with this person has become my emotions - it has become fear itself.

I really do have this terrible habit of letting my mind and my emotions get the better of me... Hence my current situation. I am consumed with fear at the mere idea of one of my friends. I can't bring myself to send a text message without the rush and onslaught of negative thoughts and expectancy of rejection. I no longer have a healthy friendship because I'm too scared to attempt to even talk to this person despite my deep desire to. It's incredibly painful to experience such unnecessary inner conflict. 

I don't know how not to be fearful though. I hate rejection and I'm scared of every thing I say or do because I feel as though this person will hate me for something. I don't want to be at fault for ruining a relationship by saying or doing something stupid yet by being consumed by this fear is equally as detrimental. My fear has ruined me and stolen any semblance of joy I had.

I'm at a point where I'm just kind of going with the flow because I have the inability to take control. I can't make a decision regarding my relationship with the person I fear and my relationship with my fear itself. 

I feel lost and trapped at every turn. I don't have any bravery to spare. What do I do?

--J.

Epic Loves

There are always those people - those very special people... The ones we somehow never truly forget or let go of. There are those people in everybody's lives - sometimes it is just one person - that changes your life forever and influence every move you make in regards to relationships and feelings. There are always those Epic Loves.

Epic loves can be problematic... They're all-consuming. They involve emotion that defies all logic and reason. If you think you have experienced love, imagine it at its most imposing and impressive state - epic. Epic loves tend to have a somewhat dark, unhealthy, even obsessive quality about them - Romeo and Juliet committed suicide at the idea of life without the other. It is a love that ravages and envelopes the heart. It cannot be forgotten, it cannot be snuffed out... instead, it reverberates through the core of one's very being because, at one point, it was all of who we were.

You remember every minuscule and sometimes seemingly insignificant detail - they play over and over in your mind... Every decision you make from the moment you're consumed by an Epic Love is influenced by it. It changes you... not only the love part of the process but more often than not the pain part of it all. An Epic Love has the power to change all of who you are - it can build you up and make you stronger or it can crush and break you. Everything can change in just one burst of light... just as all can change when one is plunged into the night.

Needless to say, I haven't quite found my Romeo, my Chuck Bass or my Damon Salvatore... but somehow I have found ways to be epic all on my own. Even in complete loneliness, I have managed to experience what I like to call Epic Unrequited Love. I have loved unhealthily, obsessively and with a soul that is all-consumed... yet without reciprocation. When it comes to unrequited love, I am an Éponine (Les Miserables reference!)... But that's just little impatient me.

To love silently is a real skill... it takes practice. In other words, it takes many failed attempts and leaps of faith that have fallen short to know just what not to say; to know what to hide when you feel what you shouldn't.

My epic loves have changed me in many ways... having met them - having fallen in love with them is just that much harder in that it is so deeply woven into the very fabric of my being - all that I've become as a result. Epic loves are loved from the soul instead of the heart... There are few things truer.

They are the people you could never hate - no matter how much you may want to. Epic loves cannot be despised. They set and become the standards that all future loves are measured against until something of equal or greater measure comes along to consume you. Once experienced, nothing else and nothing short of epic will ever be good enough.

--J.

Fantasia

Yes, it's me again... Writing yet another blog post about love and feelings. It's so heavily consuming - every part of me beckoning for what it yearns for most... Love. 

For a while now, there has been only one guy on my mind. This one guy has held me heart completely and fully even without his knowledge or the slightest desire to. I've thought of no one else... Loved no one else. 

I wonder if it's actually him I am so enthralled and consumed by. Is it him... or rather the idea of him - the idea of this wonderful, magical man in my mind. Is it just my idea of my ideal guy projected onto his identity? Are the feelings I have for him even real or is it just all one giant, unlived, unspoken fantasy?

If, for whatever reason, I am forced to or am able to rip my attachment from him... will I come to like or love another or will I simply project and build upon the same, old fantasy? Is anything of what I thought I've felt real? Will I learn to forget that I adore you?

It's so frustrating... this realm of emotions that I am so consistently in contact with. I can't understand why God has put this desire in me to love and be loved so persistently. There are times when I wish that I didn't want to love people. I wish it were not possible for me to love, to think, to feel. It causes so many stupid problems because I am such a stupid little girl.

This fantasy in my mind - he's perfectly lovely. Perhaps he's not real at all. Perhaps he's nothing but a concoction of epic crushes and the movie-type love that I crave. 

Perhaps this anxiety and frustration in regard to this matter, has come about as a result of just being fed up of getting nothing out of liking you. I just feel stressed and scared all the time because I don't know if I should tell you how I feel... I can't handle rejection from you and I love our friendship - how selfish would it be of me to make things weird? Maybe I've finally reached a point where I'm tired of you just living in my thoughts and in my dreams and since I know we will never be together in reality, I am unconsciously giving up. 

Is this what letting go feels like... This despair and absolute exhaustion of the heart...

Is it all just a fantasy? Will I ever be loved?

--J.

Why I'm A Weirdo Part 5: Kelly

I think this shall be the last instalment of the Why I'm A Weirdo series... There are a few other theories on personality development but they focus slightly more on one's behaviour and more how we learn to do things. So I'll be wrapping up the series with the cognitive approach... 

The major theorist of this approach is George Kelly and he claims that since we are rational beings (yes, believe it or not - women, although sometimes irrational, are rational beings too!), we make sense of the world using personal constructs. Personal constructs are representations of the world that we use to make sense of our experience. Therefore, Kelly claims that our personalities are built and develop according to these constructs. 

"An individual's psychological processes (experiences, thoughts, feelings, behaviours) are routed through various pathways by the ways in which he/she anticipates events" 

So Kelly is rather different to the other theorists I've spoken about previously because he doesn't focus so much on the past as much as the future. Our expectations of the outcomes of events or situations brought about by our personal constructs result in the development of 
our personality. 

We believe or anticipate things to happen in a similar way as they have in the past. When things don't go as we expect them to, we re-align our expectations in the future by changing our personal constructs or allowing our personal constructs to become susceptible to change.

We all have personal constructs that are unique to us. However, people who have similar sets of constructs are more likely to have similar experiences, behaviour and feelings. I know, for example, that at one point in my life I was very heavily influenced by a close friend of mine and I was shocked at the time to notice that we would experience and feel similar things and react to things in a similar way but it was because I had aligned my personal constructs to hers - we were, therefore, expecting or anticipating the same or similar outcomes when choosing the appropriate behaviour or feeling.

I like Kelly's theory, partly because he completely ignores the realm of emotion but put a person's personality down to a purely cognitive process. Somehow I find it comforting that all of the problems or weird situations I get myself into are all a result of what I've come up with in my own head and therefore I have the ability to change and control my life.

After reading up on all of these theories, I don't feel like that much of a freak any more... I'm still happily self-diagnosed as weird but that's just so much more exciting than being normal. 

Thank you for taking the time follow this series and if it sparked your interest or you want to know more - get Googling or comment below and I'll fill you in on whatever info you want. Also, if there's any topic you would like me to blog about in the future just let me know (either comment in the box below, hit me up on Twitter: @JillzPopz or Google Plus: Jillian Natalie - there should be a button on the sidebar where you can add me to your circles).

Thank you, Teacups! Keep reading...

--J.

Why I'm A Weirdo Part 4: Maslow

 

The final theorist I will be covering is Abraham Maslow. He is the major theorist of what is known as the humanistic approach in regards to personality development. Everybody has heard about Maslow at some point... Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs? It's this guy. If that pyramid looks familiar to you then congratulations - you know more about psychology than you may have thought. 



Firstly I would just like to say that Maslow is by far the most positive of the theorists I've covered - you'll see that as I go along with the explanation of his theory, he doesn't focus so much on the negative aspects of the human condition. I mean, look at his picture... I can't help but think of the word 'jolly' when I look at him.

Maslow explains behaviour in terms of need gratification. Thus, we get his famous hierarchy of needs. He claims that in order to achieve our highest need: self-actualization i.e. our greatest potential we need to satisfy our other needs first. We have to go through the necessary channels and processes in order to reach actuality - it cannot simply occur while other needs of our are left unmet.Furthermore, Maslow claims that one need will dominate our personality until it is met (I'll expand on that a bit later on).

Once again I'll be taking a personal approach in regards to this theory so I'll be explaining and applying Maslow's hierarchy of needs according to my own level of experience. Feel free to assess yourself - you may find that you learn something about yourself. 

So the most basic of needs and that which has to be fulfilled first are our physiological needs. These needs are those such as hunger, thirst, etc. and they constantly need gratification (Eg. You can just eat once in your life and expect it to be sufficient - you have to eat everyday in order to sustain your body). Now thankfully for me, I can say that my physiological needs are met. One often takes it for granted but there are some people in this world - in my own beloved country, that do not have these physiological needs met. Never mind anything beyond physiological needs. There are people who are without food and clean drinking water - their lives are a constant struggle for survival so they can't focus on achieving anything else other than staying alive. I'm blessed in having more than enough.

Next we have safety needs and this pertains to the achievement of security, stability, protection, etc. Once again, these needs are met for me. I live in residence at university which is safe and provides me with a stable place to stay as well as protection. Growing up, I lived in a house in a protected and relatively safe neighbourhood. So I never had to worry about my safety or security as some people do. Once again, I'm very blessed.

Then we have our social needs which refers to our need for affiliation and for love. I'm sure everybody or most people can identify with this one. I know that I'm probably a bit stuck here personally. I have great friends and an amazing, involved family but I do struggle to feel loved and a part of something at times which leads me to focus and dwell in the gratification of needs. So don't mistake me as clingy! I just want a need to be met... Say you love me, give me hug and a smile and then send me on my way. 

I cringe a bit every time I read about this level: Self esteem needs. I know I'm lacking in this department... Self esteem is based on personal achievements but also on the esteem/affirmation of others. I have a real problem here and after thinking on it for a short while, it may be because of the issues I have in gratifying the the needs in the level below (my social needs). If you happen to know me (or if you've read a considerable number of my previous blog posts), you'll know that I am terribly insecure and have a huge problem with self-doubt, self-image, etc. So this is what I'm putting it down to - my needs have not been met. 

Obviously if I have not met my social or self esteem needs adequately, I cannot begin to properly focus on satisfying my need for self-actualization. I cannot be the best me that I can be if I haven't gotten all my crap together. I need to get it together and stop thinking that things are not within my control - in most cases they are... And if I can't change my situation, I can always change myself. 

Thank you, Maslow.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Marianne Williamson

--J.

Why I'm A Weirdo Part 3: Erikson

If you've ever heard of the term identity crisis then you've heard something of Erik Erikson. I like his theory of personality development because it doesn't focus solely on childhood development, rather it spans one's entire lifetime. So it's only fitting that he is the leading theorist for the life-span approach to personality development.

Erkison theorises about 8 stage of psychosocial development split up according to one's age. Unlike Freud, Erikson is a lot less pessimistic and maintains that even in the event that one doesn't work through a stage correctly that they can always return to it at a later stage instead of being doomed to go about with lingering side effects from a presumably tainted past.

Each stage deals with its own crisis or developmental task which arise from either the onset of physiological maturity at a certain time or the demands of society. The style or success of the resolution of the different crises therefore determines the structure of one's personality. I obviously haven't been through all the life stages myself quite yet so I'll just do the first few that I have faced, am facing and am about face in the near future.

The first stage deals with trust vs mistrust (0-12 months). This stage is typically dependent on a mother-infant relationship and the successful resolution of this stage results in trust in the world that one's needs will be fulfilled and one also acquires a healthy amount of distrust so as to develop caution. If correctly balanced, one obtains the ego-strength of hope. I think it's safe to say that I made it through this stage relatively unscathed. I'm generally a trusting person but I'm not exactly instantaneously trusting with all of who I am with just any random person. I think I definitely managed to gain the ego-strength of hope - sometimes I think I'm a bit too hopeful in certain situations.

The second stage (1-3 years) is that of autonomy vs shame. This is the stage where children want to develop and use their new-found muscle control (potty training stage). If one doesn't work through this stage correctly, this leads an individual to doubt one's self instead of gaining autonomy or a sense of independence. A balance between autonomy and doubt develops the ego-strength of willpower. I know very well that I have an incredible sense of willpower (especially when I'm trying to prove people wrong) so I think I worked through this stage of development. I  do have issues with self- doubt though even though I have been told I was not problematic in regards to potty training and such by my parents... so I'm still unsure as to where my self doubt then comes from. I am rather independent which can be seen through my contentment in living away from home and being in a space where I am responsible for myself and don't have to answer to my parents as I used to. 

From 3-6 years, we have the stage of initiative vs guilt and this is also known as the play age. This is where one's conscience develops. The danger in this stage is that one's conscience develops too strictly which I think is what happened to me which has resulted in my habit of intensely over-thinking everything and that is why I judge myself so harshly. A balance between initiative and self-judgement leads to the development of purpose - now that I don't seem to have a problem with. However, I did struggle and still contemplate possible career paths as I am not to sure what I want to do with life. I understand a spiritual purpose because of my Christian upbringing and consequent beliefs but I do not really have a purpose as in a 100% life plan and goal.

School age which is basically from age 6 until puberty, deals with industry vs inferiority. A good sense of proficiency or industry results in the ego-strength of competence. I've dealt with self esteem issues and inferiority complexes before but not to such an extent that it affects my level of competence. I'd like to think that I'm a fairly competent person. Yes? No? Hmmm?

Then we get to adolescence which covers ages 12-19 so this typically the bracket that I fall under but do the fact that I am a borderline age, I will overlap into the next development stage as well. Adolescence deals with identity vs role confusion. This is the time in a persons life when one is trying to match one's self image with the expectations of society. This is basically the stage when we get screwed over by everybody telling who we should be, what we should look like, how little food we have to eat, etc. It's a very delicate time where, in my opinion, so much can go wrong and so much pain can be experienced. It is through this stage that one develops the ego-strength of trust and worthiness. I have yet to develop worthiness as a result of my self image being very very poor. I am a typical case of a victim to society - not because society is particularly or completely negative but mostly because I am just the type of person who is susceptible to society because I seek the approval and acceptance of other people. Therefore I do not feel 'worthy' in a sense that I do not feel that I live up to the expectations or standards set out by our society.

The next stage which is the one that I am entering into or am about to enter into is the early adulthood stage whereby one deals with intimacy vs isolation. This is the time in one's life when they truly become ready to be involved in intimate relationships. Avoidance of intimacy can be as a result of identity confusion experienced in the adolescent stage and can lead to isolation (which is a bad thing if you employ its strategies constantly). Successful resolution of this stage results in the development of the ego-strength love (Isn't that just the cutest thing?). So anyway, this stage is what will hopefully be in my near future. I dare say I'm ready for it... I can only pray that I'll work through everything as I'm supposed to. 

I'm not going to go through the last two stages because I'm not an adult with a family or an elderly person... If you're interested in those two stages then feel free to Google Erikson's theory or pop me a comment or a tweet (@JillzyPopz) and I'll be happy to fill you in.

--J.