The Sanity, The Courage & The Means

If I had the sanity, the courage and the means:


I would be outside your door in skinny jeans, my favourite wedge heels, a fitted waistcoat that left nothing to the imagination, my hair loose and in its natural curls and wearing no make-up except for my essential eye liner.


I would knock on the door of your co-owned flat using the rings on my left hand. I would wait with one hand carefully placed at my waist while from the other, a pack of Smirnoff Spin would dangle. Your brother would open the door and stare at me- wondering why the hell I was standing there, with a look implying that I expected to be let in. I would ask for you and his frown would dissipate ever so slightly before he turned his head and called your name. He would slowly move aside as you yelled back to find out the reason for being so crudely summoned. You would see me, your heart would sink and your footsteps would become heavy on your journey toward the door.


You would only let me in out of courtesy and because I of the a alcoholic peace offering. 


You would make minimal conversation... and I would search for questions that I could push to you. I would try so hard to look you in the eyes- those gorgeous and hypnotic green eyes. I would remember how you told me I had "Africa eyes" on the day that we last saw each other. I would wonder, during our conversation, what I had done to ruin things this time around. I would slowly die while you would subtly try... to get rid of me.


You would smile and laugh politely and then make up some excuse that would require me to leave as soon as possible. I wouldn't fight you... I can't. So I would leave as quickly as I would come... with four bottles of Smirnoff waiting to slightly numb me on my way home.


The door would shut harshly behind me and it would feel as though  hatred had been thrust upon me. I would breathe slowly and begin to walk away while regret, anger and all the other shades of pain would begin to envelope my mind. You would carry on with your new life- one that would exist all too happily without me. I would feel as though my life was over and that no one would ever find it within themselves to see something worthwhile in me. I would reluctantly walk away without having even tried to persuade you to love me.


I would still have my relative innocence. I would still have my purity. I would still have my virginity. I would still have the fresh crimson scars on my forearm and more would follow. I would still be without closure or sanity. I would still be consumed by fear.


I would still be unkissed for 3 months, 3 weeks and counting. I would still think about you endlessly. I would still cry after remembering just how happy I used to be with you. I would still see your green eyes in my mind. I would still hear your goofy laughter in a room filled with silence. I would still miss your touch and your voice. I would still have exactly the same feelings as the day I last saw you.


I would want to bleed into nothingness and you wouldn't miss me in the least.


I wouldn't move on because I just can't. 


--J.