Don't Forget Me, Ma Rosie

I don't want my grandmother (I call her my Ma) to forget me. I just can't deal with it. Every time I think about it for longer than 5 seconds I start tearing up. I can't do this. She's a part of me and I can't let her go.

I never truly realised, until now, how I fear being forgotten. 

My grandmother, who will be 76 this year, has been diagnosed with advanced Alzheimer's. Her mind is slowly slipping from her along with, I fear, her memories. I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling now... but I just can't help but cry. I don't want her to wake up and not know where she is or who her family is. I don't want her to forget us. 

I've been fortunate enough to have grown up with a large family as a support group. I've experienced the death of relatives before... But she's my grandmother. She was and is so much a part of my life. I've watched over the years as she has become older and slightly weaker. I never imagined ever having to deal with the prospect of her death until recently. I'm not ready for her to go just yet. Nor am I ready for her to begin to slip away. She can't forget. 

It's not fair. Life isn't fair. I won't pretend that I don't wish it was but God never promised fairness in this life... ever. If I think about it, if life was fair... I wouldn't be alive. If life was fair then my second eldest sister wouldn't have been born with Trisomy 18 (Edward's Syndrome) and she wouldn't have died in my mother's arms after a short five weeks of living. My parents wouldn't have had me if it weren't for her death. That's perspective. At this moment though, I wish my grandmother was perfectly fine and that she was unaffected by the effects of old age. It's not fair. She doesn't deserve this.

I don't want to be forgotten. I don't want her to look at me blankly as though I were a stranger.I don't want her to ask me my name. I want her to know who I am when she looks at me. I want her to see her Jilly (She's the first person who ever called me consistently by that nickname). I want her to remember everything. I don't want her memories to fade away until she has nothing left to cling to.

My mother says that all we can do right now is love her and spend time with her. We need to be patient and calming. We need to help her in ways that medication will not. Obviously, there is no cure for Alzheimer's and the medication she's currently on will not prevent the inevitable from happening but will slow down the process. All I can do is pray for her peace of mind. All I can do is spend time with her and love her. 

I love you, Ma Rosie.

--J.