What 10 Days Without Eating Taught Me

A while back - almost two weeks before Easter of this year - I decided to try out my own rendition of the (in)famous Master Cleanse. I looked up exactly how to do it and what I would need and then set a date for myself. I wanted to do something drastic and unexpected... I wanted to accomplish something that the people around me would never even attempt for themselves. I learnt a lot more than I expected and experienced challenges and pleasant surprises along the way.

I started out doing this with the intention to lose weight quickly - sustainability of this weight loss was not what I was concerned about or striving towards, I just wanted to test whether it could be done at all. I wanted to see if I could be that girl who could drastically lose weight in a short period time and have everybody stare and take notice. I was seeking some semblance of control in a midst of chaos that I could not seem to find relief or escape from. I don't think I understood, at the beginning, the amount of personal growth I was to undergo as my body withered away.

I literally lived on lemon water and a couple of teaspoons of honey every day. I would take a multivitamin and a Herbex supplement as well... I think that was mostly to ease my mother's nerve though. I think the hardest part was the in the beginning - around the first two to three days - when I really started to feel the hunger to a point where I walked around in perpetual discomfort. After that stage though, I genuinely didn't feel hungry any more. I developed strategies to distract myself and to compensate for the lack of food. I followed A LOT of food blogs and Instagram accounts and made a mental list of all of the amazing things I would be able to eat if I were to complete this challenge I had set for myself. I suppose that sounds like it would be counter-productive for some but I actually found it quite helpful. Another thing I realized after reaching about the half way mark was that a sense of hunger is largely a psychological response as opposed to a physical one. I was able to convince myself that I wasn't hungry and that I actually didn't need to eat... soon enough the desire to eat would go away. As my body got used to the lack of food, it also got easier because the hunger aches went away and I wasn't so heavily aware of food.

After a short while, I noticed the changes that I felt. I was extremely fatigued throughout the entire experience which can be expected - I wasn't putting any energy into my body besides the occasional cup of black coffee or green tea or an energy/vitamin effervescent. I wasn't just craving sleep, my muscles also felt incredibly weak and pretty much like mush by the end of it. I had to start leaving my res ten minutes earlier for classes because I just couldn't walk as fast. Stairs were a mission, unexpected detours were a definite no and as soon as I started moving around, all I wanted to do was sit or lie down again. I am not a frequent nap-taker but during this time, every time I happened to lie down on a soft surface I was out like a light. I mentally drained as well - I was still able to get work done throughout this time but it took me considerably longer to process things. Even in general conversation, it took me a while to answer questions that required a little more thought or contemplation. It was more annoying for me to be mentally slowed than physically. Sometimes I feel like my mind is kind of all I have going for me so I'd do my utmost to protect it.

Here are some important lessons I learnt while doing this 'cleanse':

1.) Be kind to yourself.

When I decided I was going to do this, I naturally got a lot of negative feedback from my family and friends. I expected this of course and I know it all came from a place of genuine concern for me. However, it meant that I was going into this alone essentially. My family and friends were more ready to catch me when I fell as opposed to helping me positively along the way. It was more a matter of trying to talk me out of it - which I understood. It just meant that I had to be my own source of encouragement. I had to be patient and gentle with myself in order to stay somewhat sane throughout the process. It was not a time in which I could afford to be dependent on anyone else. This was a period of growth and awareness within which there was no room for self doubt or self hate.

2.)Your personal conception of beauty is the one that matters.

I went into this with conception of beauty that was very much informed by socio-cultural circumstances. Skinny is pretty, fad dieting and weight loss pills... All of that jazz. Perfection is our disease of choice and unfortunately, as I realized quite abruptly in doing this, that I have been sick for a very long time. I have always considered the opinions of others way too highly when it comes to my physical appearance and I have never quite been able to shake it. I have always defined my beauty or lack thereof according to the preferences and expectations of absolute strangers. When I find that I am attracted to someone, my immediate thought is that I need to lose weight in order for them to like me. Even though I see girls of all shapes and sizes in happy and healthy relationships, I've always just assumed that in order for me to ever be able to attract someone I have to be thinner. 

I pride myself on being somewhat of a gender rights activist as of late... I despise the idea of discrimination particularly when based on someone's anatomy. It just doesn't make any sense to me for people to be denied certain privileges and basic human dignities on the basis of a chromosome. It then dawned on me that my conception of beauty was formed on the basis of what men think of me and how attractive I am to them. However, it shouldn't matter at all to me how they view me for who are they to have any power whatsoever in determining my value and worth as a human being? 

As long as I can stand in front of the mirror and like what I see and who I am solely on the basis of being myself, I am happy. I will no longer play victim to a twisted and elitist understanding and appreciation of beauty.

3.) Learn & be creative.

Not eating frees up your day quite considerably. I found it was a great time to draw and to write (even if it remained unpublished). Read a book, watch a water color art tutorial on YouTube, make an origami swan. Instead of feeding your stomach, feed your soul and your imagination... you'd be surprised as to just how hungry the other parts of your being are and how consistently you ignore them. 

I mentioned earlier that I started following a lot of food blogs and Instagram accounts - this was partly for inspiration. I wanted to ensure that any food that I was to consume after having completed the cleanse was not only healthy but not boring or bland as well. I was delighted to find so many great ideas and recipes that express exactly what I was looking for. Expand your cooking repertoire and spice up an otherwise bland diet - for me, as a student I often have very little time to consume anything other than rice cakes, popcorn and tea...

4.) Smile

I went through a lot of really dull moments where I was plagued by fatigue, hunger, mild depression, work stress, etc. I had to force myself to smile sometimes and to laugh at jokes I found to be stupid to keep myself from spiraling down into a black abyss of despair. Even if your smile is wholly insincere, it relaxes your facial muscles and calms you on a physiological level. So just do it, okay? Trust me on this. If you're a cynic like me then smile sarcastically or in spite of someone else if you have to. There are an infinite amount of reasons to smile in this world even though those reasons are equally matched by reasons not to. I hate to say it because I am a proud nihilist and pessimist at the best of time but positivity is key in life.

5.) Be thankful.

I gained a lot of respect for people who go without food just because that is life for them - for the people who don't have a choice. I felt like a bit of a spoilt brat by giving up a life of apparent luxury on a very small scale but at any moment I could have given up on my goal and gone back to endlessly stuffing my face why millions of people are starving. I am truly blessed and my life overflows with grace. I am extremely thankful for my family and friends... regardless of their views on and opinions of my actions - the fact that they were present is most certainly a gift. I truly have far more than I deserve.

6.) Be proud.

By this I don't meant to condone arrogance or a boastfulness. I do however promote a quiet and humble pride (if that is not too paradoxical). As someone with very little confidence, this kind of achievement did wonders for me... especially in seeing the results of it. It is important to not limit yourself and a healthy pride in your achievements helps a lot in your affirmation of yourself. By achievements I don't mean you have to constantly be winning at life - that is certainly not how things are quite panning out for me... I mean that you should be proud in your success as well as in your failure because therein lies a lesson that you probably would not have learnt otherwise. 

I can confidently say that I feel better about myself and about my body for having had this experience. I obviously gained back the weight I lost because it wasn't about sustainable weight loss after all but I don't think I've ever been happier with my body even though I am not at my thinnest. I also feel stronger mentally for having done this - the growth in terms of my self control and belief in my own ability has been amazing and invaluable. I am filled with gratitude.

I hope that you found this to be an interesting read and that it has given you something to think about. If you would like any more information about the type of cleanse I did or would like to look into any type of meditative or spiritual fast of any kind, comment below and I'll do my best to direct you to the best (and safest) sites for more information.

I do not promote or condone any sort of eating disorders of any kind - whether it be anorexia, bulimia, etc. If you know anyone who is suffering from either of these or a similar condition, please gently direct them to seek help or at least assure them of your willingness to support them. For more information about eating disorders and in order to contact treatment and support facilities in South Africa, please visit the following website --> http://eatingdisorderssa.com/

Have a wonderful day further! Be brave, be bold, be beautiful.

--J.

P.S. Below are some pictures I took while on my ten day journey just to give you some idea of what was going on. I suppose it's not particularly helpful seeing as I didn't take a 'before' photo but I lost about 8kgs at the end of it.

Casting The Burden

I hate looking at a scale. I hate knowing that my goals are no where near to being realized. It feels as if all I've done - the healthy eating, the gymming, etc. - it's all been for nothing. It feels useless and I feel so incredibly stupid because I actually thought I was getting somewhere.

It is so bizarre to me how I can feel healthy and happy and amazing in a physical sense but one stupid little number can just cause every shred of pride in your accomplishments to completely dissipate.  My mother used the word 'fixated' to describe my current association with my weight and physical appearance as I stood glaring at the scale. She's so very right though - she often is. I don't know what it is with me and my horrid relationship with my body. I don't know what I ultimately want to look like, I don't know how far I want or need to go until I'll be satisfied... All I know is that I don't want to look how I look right now. I just don't want to look like me.

I suppose that I sound grossly superficial in this instance... I know it's such a petty thing to allocate so much time and attention to. I don't know if it can currently be helped though. I've been insecure about my body ever since I can remember being aware of my physical appearance. I've always been the fat, ugly kid who always stood a part from her gorgeous friends with perfect figures. Especially when I was younger, I felt as though it was so unfair that I looked the way I did and that because of my physical appearance it meant I was allowed to be the victim of verbal bullying from my peers as well as from people who were really close to me. So I've always grown up with this massively skewed self-concept aided by my negative and dismal self esteem and my unrealistic idea of my ideal self. That's just how it's always been and I suppose then it's needless to say that my insecurity surrounding my physical appearance directly influenced my emotional and psychological health as well.

I struggled for a while with an eating problem - I'm not quite sure whether I have the liberty to call it a disorder. I still don't have the healthiest of relationships when it comes to eating... It's not about what I eat so much as it is about how much I eat. I generally eat very healthily i.e. low in carbohydrates, low in sugar, low in sodium, high protein, lots of tea and water, minimal junk food or takeaways, etc. Unfortunately, I go through this back and forth - a vicious cycle if you will. Either I eat far too little or far too much. It's always been like that. However, my phases of binge or excessive eating are far shorter than my almost anorexic approach to food. I wrote a poem about a year or so ago that very aptly portrays my view of my body as well as my view in regards to eating or the lack thereof as a means to solving my physical crises. I have grown up somewhat since having written the poem but there are still definite correlations between my self esteem and self concept of both then and now.

Oh To Starve - By Jillian Lawrence

When I happen  

To steal a glance at the mirror…

I cringe. 

My dignity and sanity,

Slowly unhinged.

I don’t see a person

I don’t see me…

I don’t even see what you think

That you see.

I see all of my failures-

They’re scars across my face.

A mark of the disgrace.

I see the overwhelming evidence

Of a girl unwanted.

Unneeded and defeated.

I look big, like a giant of sorts

Every blink is a thunderous roar

Every step is a trembling quake.

It must be a mistake…

Why does reality seem so fake.

Why do you see a person

While I see a mountainous ruin.

Grotesque and obscene

Obesity of note

A fat joke…

Oh murder was all that she wrote

But never could do it.

I can’t do it.

Oh to die would be too easy

It seems too good to be true

The only downside would be

Not saying goodbye to you.

All I see in the mirror

Is the mess-

What I've confessed.

I can’t face it 

I can’t beat it.

It’s too big to beat.

The only solution is to starve

So that the shell of my adversity

Dwindles and dies

That way nobody cries…

Because there’s no blood,

Only my face in the mud.

Oh to starve so that I 

May fade away

Until I wish to be seen someday

The more I see

The more I'm reminded 

Of all I've done

Of all they did.

Oh to starve…

It seems the only way

To disappear a little more

Each day…

So that I may not be reminded

Of my darkest desires

To give up completely

To starve my body of air-

To kick the chair…

Oh to starve...

And to rid myself of life.

I found it quite morbid to read that and also somewhat chilling to recall my own state of mind when I first penned that poem. I've grown somewhat more confident in myself but I am still far from content. I think that's going to take a lot more work on my part as well as a lot more spiritual growth. I can go on these intense body bashing trips and then I suddenly realise that I am hating on something that God created and that He finds beautiful. At present, I don't understand why I was created to look the way that I do but I do know and believe firmly that God's plan and reasons for doing things is far beyond mortal comprehension. I feel so guilty at times when I look in the mirror and still hate what I see - I want so badly to be okay with not being the thinnest or the prettiest person on the planet. I want to say that I'll be okay with looking average... but I hate complacency and I hate the idea of mediocrity. That's why I have this raging inner conflict... because I'm fighting with myself and I get angry with myself for not being amazing at everything. I hate not being good at things and I hate thinking that I have not lived up to the expectations that I have of myself and that other people have of me.

I look in the mirror and I feel like I'm losing. It doesn't seem to matter that I eat healthily and exercise. The change or the difference that is supposed to come about is not apparent to me. Even when I somehow think that it is and for a split second I am happy with myself, there is something that ruins it for me... Like a snide comment from my sister or someone takes a photo of me and I don't look as good as I thought I felt. Inferiority is something I've always had to grapple with and it often wins as a result of it being so overwhelming at times. My physical struggle is perhaps most prominent because it's something I face continuously and I am most aware of it... I'm constantly caused to compare myself to everyone else - mentally deciding that they're prettier than me because they're thinner, because they have blue eyes, because their hair is longer, because their nose is sharper. I know I shouldn't but it's become inherent and that's why I call what I face an inner struggle because I loathe the fact that it has become habitual for me to knock myself down. It's like an out-of-body experience at the moment - I watch myself self-destruct at the fault of my own venomous words... And I can't run from myself. All I can do is try to distract myself from the screaming in my head - the sheer torment that I'll always be this way; that I'll always feel the pain of inadequacy.

I want more than anything to just be better. I want to keep getting better until my dying day... I just feel so blocked and frustrated at the fact that my efforts fall short. For those of you who have ever watched A Knight's Tale (if you haven't, go watch it - you have not yet lived until you do)... I feel like there's this voice inside of me that I can only assimilate to Adhemar. I keep hearing that line where he says, "You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting. In what world could you possibly beat me?" In what world could I ever be good enough? Whether it be physically, academically, creatively... Will I ever be as extraordinary as I have always dreamed to be? My biggest fear is that I will die and no one will care... I want to be remembered, I want to make a difference yet this overwhelming sense of mediocrity has me doubtful and worried about whether I'll die with integrity or in the depths of despair.

I don't want this baggage and the burden of all of my toxic insecurity any more. I'm clinging so desperately to faith and to God right now. I'm trusting so blindly and with such indignation because I have no choice but to refuse the suffering and to rather choose the peace that comes with resting in the assurance of Christ. I can't love any one fully until I stop hating myself. I can't ever be in a healthy relationship until I'm able to affirm myself instead of expecting to have all of my insecurities be somehow miraculously cured by some poor mortal man - only my God can do that. 

I just want all the hurtful words of the past to die and to slip from my memory... I don't want to see the faces of the people who verbally abused the shy and overly-sensitive primary school Jill as raging distortions that choke me as I sleep. I don't want to look at my own sister, someone who I've always naturally looked to as a role model and looked for affirmation from, wishing that I had never existed to her so as to escape her criticism of me. I just want to be able to love my friends, family and God as they ought to be loved... and while this hate rages within me and eats away at my very soul, I cannot do that - I cannot be better.

I want to look at myself and see something beautiful - it doesn't matter what 'beautiful' actually looks like, I just want to feel as though I no longer have to change or attempt to be someone or something that I am not for the sake of the acceptance of others. I don't want the number on a scale or carelessly tossed insults to define the way I view myself. I want to be proud of the fact that I was moulded and shaped by a loving God who made me the way that I am for reasons that are good and perfectly in contribution and accordance with His plan and His will. I want to delight in the fact that I have been fearfully and wonderfully made instead of dwelling in the self-imposed misery surrounding my feelings of inadequacy. I want to smile instead of inwardly scowling at the mirror - I want to be thankful instead of melancholy to point where I am blind to my blessings.

--J.