Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy

I hope you find some sort of comfort in the fact that I blog far less frequently nowadays out of consideration of what you have told me in regards to the content of the majority of my posts. You were right, of course, to say that the nature of my writing depicts my life as something that it is definitely not. I am a very blessed child to the point that some would look at me and call me spoilt. My blogging often reflects a very different picture - one of constant sadness and a tortured mind and soul. 

The truth is that a person is consistent of many parts. I have chosen to mainly express the parts of myself that I generally cannot speak about to my family and friends in person through the means of various blogging platforms. There is something impersonal yet still intimate about sharing your life online. You don't know who will read what you write or what they really think unless explicitly expressed. All I see are the number of page views I get. I am hardly a good enough blogger to warrant the comments of others nor is the content I generally discuss that which stirs others to say anything back to me. It just feels comforting to know that I can say what I otherwise feel that I cannot.I do recognize, however, that what I say here most of the time is deeply unfair to the people who love me. I admit that I have created a somewhat skewed perception of my life and for that I apologize with all sincerity. 

That being said, I would like you to know that I am struggling. Despite my blessings, I am finding life very difficult at the moment... and I have been for quite some time. I feel ashamed for even saying that because I do not really understand why I could possibly be so filled with anguish and pain when I have so much to be joyful about and so much to be thankful for. It drives me crazy to think what I put you through on the basis of the fact that you and Mommy love me more than I could ever begin to comprehend. I feel guilty and stuck in a sea of terrible habits that I have only just begun to sift through.

I am lost. I thought that I could go about life being informed by that which everybody else wants. I am lost because I have no true sense of who I am. I cannot separate myself and my own needs from what others expect from me and of me. I am trying to determine whether those should have be separated all of the time. I am trying so hard to find my feet in a world that is, I feel, spinning just a little too quickly for me. I know my mother has a go-to answer and that is to trust in God and to find myself in relation to the Lord. She's right. However, it is a far greater feat than I have ever imagined. The world is so critical and so vast and I am still trying to get a sense of what I actually believe and to what degree my faith needs strengthening. I feel so ill-equipped in the face of daily temptations, pressures and expectations. I feel weak. I know I am weak. I don't think there is anything else that I pray for more than strength.

I am scared. I fear failure and the looming dark cloud of my own inadequacy. I fear that I will never be able to feel as though I have made you and Mommy proud even though you have told me that you are on countless occasions. I fear that I will never be a good enough sister to my siblings because I focus so often on what they are better at than me and I find myself belittling my abilities and achievements according to what they have achieved or are able to do better than I. I am scared that I will never be good enough for someone - I fear rejection and I fear loneliness. It eats away at me everyday to think of the possibility that I will never find love and be able to experience the magic and the splendor of marriage that you and Mommy have been an example of to me. It scares me to think that I have set standards that are too high and that I will have to settle. I am scared of the idea of submission and feel deeply threatened by the idea of being dominated. I am already a doormat to most and I cannot do it anymore... especially not in a long-term, committed, intimate relationship. I fear that it will kill me to be in the shadows any longer. I feel as though I am burning in the dark, screaming violently among a crowd of the deaf. I am scared that I will end up doing something that makes me miserable... and that is what motivates to do something different.

I am mostly apologetic for the fact that I have given you so much unnecessary grief but there's a part of me that is glad for having never been close to perfect. At least I have the joy of making your life interesting through my strangeness. I have always managed to make a mess of things - even now I find that this post has become a lot about the sadness of my life and I just want you to know that that is not what I am trying to get at. I want you to be able to understand what is going on in my life, in my head and in my heart. In the midst of the problems that are largely of my own creation, please know that I am grateful. I am thankful; I recognize that I am divinely favored where others are not. I have an on-going education, I have a home, I have safety, I have loving friends and family, I don't have a war being waged above my head or on my doorstep, I have access to an abundance of opportunities that the majority of this world cannot even fathom. I know that everything that I have is thanks to you and thanks to my mother... and thanks to the merciful, gracious God that gave it to you in the first place. I am blessed. I am blessed. I am blessed.

While I am hurting and I am sad, I ask for your prayer and your support. I ask for patience and I ask for guidance - not that you do not provide or offer those things readily and more than willingly. I do not want to be stuck in the dark corners of my life only to ignore the abundance of light handed to me with no strings attached. I need your advice and your hugs and your affirmation of me now more than ever. I need to find what it is within me that prevents from letting myself feel the love that I have been immersed in all of my life. "The fruit is right in front of you... You have only to taste it."

I am sorry that it is taking so long. I am sorry that it is not something I have found to be easy to do. I am sorry that I have been unfair and self-destructive to a point where it has caused me to become so self-absorbed.

I have chosen to do this blog post as an attempt to prove that not everything I write has to employ a tortured undercurrent. How could I ever write to or about my Daddy without an overwhelming sense of love, peace, gratitude, respect and admiration?

I love you. I truly love you.

- Agony blogger

  Number Three

  Your baby girl

  

  Jillian

A Thousand Apologies

I know you may look at me and think, "Why is she such a freak?" or "Why can't she just relax and be easy?". Let me start off by apologising then... I'm sorry for being that person. 

I'm not and wasn't always the psychotic person that you've come to resent and ignore... I actually can be a pretty decent friend - I really hope that no matter how you feel about me now, you still remember that I was a good friend to you at one point and I was once able to make you laugh or smile. I hope you remember the good memories because when I think about my friends, that's what I think about and that's why it hurts to move on and let go because the memories will always be there. I remember the good times and I wish that I hadn't been the cause of there abrupt and unnecessary end. I care a lot about people and, needless to say, that the closer we are; the more I tend to care. I often get to a point where I begin to care too much and that's where things start to unravel and get intense... This is the point where people start freaking out and begin to run away (or are just pushed away by the the person I become).

My problem is that I panic instinctively and incessantly. When I feel someone drifting or there's a lack in attention for whatever reason, I start to panic. This is where I turn into an absolute, obsessive nightmare. I get so scared of losing someone that I latch on and cling to whatever remains of a relationship there may be. I attach myself so tightly so as to attempt to save a friendship that I feel that I am losing... even though I end up losing that friendship despite my bizarre efforts and I often get a lot more hurt through that process than I ever would have, had I simply just accepted my fate and not panicked in the first place.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for panicking and for freaking out. I'm sorry for being psychotic and intense all the time. I'm sorry that I pushed away people who actually cared about me but who got to the point where giving up on me was their only option. I'm sorry for thinking too much about absolutely everything and for being so emotional to the extent that you may have become overwhelmed, uncomfortable and unable to understand or tolerate me any longer. Please know that I'm sorry... and know that I wish somehow you could forgive or even learn to love me again... but I understand if you can't do that.

Please know that I've grown and changed quite a lot this year - hence my ability to admit and acknowledge that I have a very toxic problem regarding relationships. Please know that I am trying. I am really, really trying to get better and to be better and to just work on myself. I want to be someone you wouldn't mind talking to or making time to see. I want to be that friend that you can always count on having a good time with. I want to be that friend that you feel that you always confide in. I'm trying to be that person. I'm trying so hard to change... not just for the sake of my friends and future relationships but for my own sake as well because I don't want to get hurt again or live my life being sad for another moment further. 

Sigh.

I can't think of much else to say. I suppose I will end the way I began this post - by apologising yet again. I'm terribly sorry. I've grown up enough to realise that I have no one to blame but myself. 

--J.

Perpetual Fear

I am a rather fearful person in general. If something has the potential to hurt me, then chances are that I will have a corresponding phobia of that thing. So fear is nothing new to me yet I have recently found myself to be facing the fear of one specific thing most prominently. I fear one particular person - one so-called friend... And it is the most painfully controlling thing I have ever experienced.

I'm an idiot. I really am and I know it all to well... I honestly don't think that I am mature enough to be able to change that about myself just yet. So for now, I'm stuck being a typical girl about everything. Over-thinking every little thing, making endless dramatic assumptions... I do all of that - in short I cause all of my own problems and feed my own fears. So therein lies the root of my problem and my current pain. My fear has grown to consume me as a result of my own mind's destructive nature.

It is perhaps the most belittling feeling to live in fear of someone... especially if you happen to care about that certain 'someone'. You feel like you're nothing. I didn't think it would possible for me to feel so incredibly small in the presence of another person - yet here I am, paralysed in fear. I hate feeling so utterly useless but I have yet to be able to control the way I feel. My emotions and therefore my fears have manifested themselves and have congealed to a certain extent that my relationship with this person has become my emotions - it has become fear itself.

I really do have this terrible habit of letting my mind and my emotions get the better of me... Hence my current situation. I am consumed with fear at the mere idea of one of my friends. I can't bring myself to send a text message without the rush and onslaught of negative thoughts and expectancy of rejection. I no longer have a healthy friendship because I'm too scared to attempt to even talk to this person despite my deep desire to. It's incredibly painful to experience such unnecessary inner conflict. 

I don't know how not to be fearful though. I hate rejection and I'm scared of every thing I say or do because I feel as though this person will hate me for something. I don't want to be at fault for ruining a relationship by saying or doing something stupid yet by being consumed by this fear is equally as detrimental. My fear has ruined me and stolen any semblance of joy I had.

I'm at a point where I'm just kind of going with the flow because I have the inability to take control. I can't make a decision regarding my relationship with the person I fear and my relationship with my fear itself. 

I feel lost and trapped at every turn. I don't have any bravery to spare. What do I do?

--J.

Fantasia

Yes, it's me again... Writing yet another blog post about love and feelings. It's so heavily consuming - every part of me beckoning for what it yearns for most... Love. 

For a while now, there has been only one guy on my mind. This one guy has held me heart completely and fully even without his knowledge or the slightest desire to. I've thought of no one else... Loved no one else. 

I wonder if it's actually him I am so enthralled and consumed by. Is it him... or rather the idea of him - the idea of this wonderful, magical man in my mind. Is it just my idea of my ideal guy projected onto his identity? Are the feelings I have for him even real or is it just all one giant, unlived, unspoken fantasy?

If, for whatever reason, I am forced to or am able to rip my attachment from him... will I come to like or love another or will I simply project and build upon the same, old fantasy? Is anything of what I thought I've felt real? Will I learn to forget that I adore you?

It's so frustrating... this realm of emotions that I am so consistently in contact with. I can't understand why God has put this desire in me to love and be loved so persistently. There are times when I wish that I didn't want to love people. I wish it were not possible for me to love, to think, to feel. It causes so many stupid problems because I am such a stupid little girl.

This fantasy in my mind - he's perfectly lovely. Perhaps he's not real at all. Perhaps he's nothing but a concoction of epic crushes and the movie-type love that I crave. 

Perhaps this anxiety and frustration in regard to this matter, has come about as a result of just being fed up of getting nothing out of liking you. I just feel stressed and scared all the time because I don't know if I should tell you how I feel... I can't handle rejection from you and I love our friendship - how selfish would it be of me to make things weird? Maybe I've finally reached a point where I'm tired of you just living in my thoughts and in my dreams and since I know we will never be together in reality, I am unconsciously giving up. 

Is this what letting go feels like... This despair and absolute exhaustion of the heart...

Is it all just a fantasy? Will I ever be loved?

--J.