A Dream To Remember

If anything at least I kind of know what it would be like to be wanted by you now. I don't know why I dreamt about you last night considering that I gave up on my feelings for you so long ago. You weren't even on my mind... but apparently you're still in my dreams.

I don't know whether it is a blessing or a curse to have a vivid imagination. I can remember every detail of what you did and what you said in that dream... I almost wish it hadn't happened. Once again my fantasy has successfully beat out my reality. I found myself struggling to get up this morning because all I wanted to do was dream of you some more.

I know that it was just a dream and that the 'you' that I met in my mind is probably the furthest thing from who you are in reality. I know that the situation in my dream will never be something that spills over into the real world. It's just not possible for anything remotely similar to occur as long as you're the guy that I want to be with. I've moved on - I really have. I've accepted what can't happen and therefore I'm moving on to better things because I know what I deserve. Sigh, but there's no denying that that dream was freaking amazing.

I'm almost scared to divulge in the details - not because it was particularly steamy or anything but just because I don't want to make a huge deal about it... Then again I suppose that by even just starting this blog post, that ship sailed a long time ago. It was nothing hectic really... It was just romantic - like movie-type romance. 

The part of the dream that I'm tripping over is the part where you kissed me. You were shy and slightly awkward but adoring and gentle... And it seemed as though all you wanted was to love me. You were so cute! It was adorable and surreal because I can remember a time not too long ago when that was probably all that I ever wanted in life. I guess you could say that I finally got what I wanted - just not in the way that I expected to. Haha! I sound so delusional right now... Okay, okay I'm done being stupid. It was just one of those dreams that you don't want to end because nothing in your current reality can live up to it. It was a magical moment.

I kind of can't wait to go to sleep again tonight. I love my dreams - they're always exciting and hilarious to talk about. I also can't wait to make magical moments and memories within my reality as well. Perhaps then I can blog about something that has actually happened to me! Fingers crossed hey - all in good time.

Thank you for reading my ramblings, Teacups!

--J.

Fantasia

Yes, it's me again... Writing yet another blog post about love and feelings. It's so heavily consuming - every part of me beckoning for what it yearns for most... Love. 

For a while now, there has been only one guy on my mind. This one guy has held me heart completely and fully even without his knowledge or the slightest desire to. I've thought of no one else... Loved no one else. 

I wonder if it's actually him I am so enthralled and consumed by. Is it him... or rather the idea of him - the idea of this wonderful, magical man in my mind. Is it just my idea of my ideal guy projected onto his identity? Are the feelings I have for him even real or is it just all one giant, unlived, unspoken fantasy?

If, for whatever reason, I am forced to or am able to rip my attachment from him... will I come to like or love another or will I simply project and build upon the same, old fantasy? Is anything of what I thought I've felt real? Will I learn to forget that I adore you?

It's so frustrating... this realm of emotions that I am so consistently in contact with. I can't understand why God has put this desire in me to love and be loved so persistently. There are times when I wish that I didn't want to love people. I wish it were not possible for me to love, to think, to feel. It causes so many stupid problems because I am such a stupid little girl.

This fantasy in my mind - he's perfectly lovely. Perhaps he's not real at all. Perhaps he's nothing but a concoction of epic crushes and the movie-type love that I crave. 

Perhaps this anxiety and frustration in regard to this matter, has come about as a result of just being fed up of getting nothing out of liking you. I just feel stressed and scared all the time because I don't know if I should tell you how I feel... I can't handle rejection from you and I love our friendship - how selfish would it be of me to make things weird? Maybe I've finally reached a point where I'm tired of you just living in my thoughts and in my dreams and since I know we will never be together in reality, I am unconsciously giving up. 

Is this what letting go feels like... This despair and absolute exhaustion of the heart...

Is it all just a fantasy? Will I ever be loved?

--J.