Long Time No Ramble

I always find myself regretting not blogging more regularly yet I don't do anything about it for the majority of the time. It's been so long since I've written for the public that I'm not even too certain if the rules of the game are still the same. My words are probably old and overused. I probably won't have anything of substance to say - that's my problem when it comes to putting my thoughts into words, there's a whole 'lost in translation' thing that occurs and I end up not saying all that really needs to be said and focusing too much on other things. I need to learn to live a more nuanced life. 

Possibly the only reason why I'm writing, to be honest, is because I lost my phone last night. I'm distraught... and yes, I'm that girl. I am 100% miserable for having lost my phone. My phone is a filler. I spend more time scrolling through feeds and liking photos than sitting alone with myself and just being. I'm a typical first world brat. Here I am blogging on my own laptop with uncapped Wifi, reclining on my queen sized bed in my house (one with a roof, walls, fences and doors that lock)and complaining about the loss of my iPhone 5S after a day of drinking with good friends while there are children starving in my own country, families are being destroyed by the lethal combination of winter and poverty, Gaza is under attack. There's so much more to this world, really... yet I'm super-glued to my superficiality. I'm a hypocrite. I am just as vapid as the people I scowl at when they complain about their crush not texting them back soon enough.

My phone is an excuse. It's a brilliantly effective numbing agent. I am desensitized to everything going on in and around me. I stare at a bright screen all day and fool myself into thinking myself to be productive when I'm just being as much of a nothing as possible. I'm hoping that's the extent of lesson I was supposed to gain after having experienced this. I just want to get away from this uncomfortable feeling of disconnectedness. I can't be alone with myself right now... Not when I have yet to truly learn how to be okay with all the sides of me.

I miss my best friends. One of them I saw just yesterday but I don't think there's ever going to be a point where I'm going to think that I've seen her for long enough. It's kind of annoying not being able to become sick of someone. It's the exact opposite with her really. I'm addicted to my friendship with her - I go from moment to moment holding on to the high woven into the remains of memories of the times I've shared with her. She's just like me. She knows... or at least I hope she does. Being with her is a way of facing myself without actually having to face myself, you know. It's bizarre because I love her to death yet I hate myself and wish for death despite the fact that I think we have twin souls. She's like Harry Potter and I'm Voldemort - we have wands that share the same core... She's the Chosen One and is meant for greatness while I'm a monster that destroys everything that I touch. My other best friend lives in Wilderness and I haven't seen him since the end of first semester. I want to go and visit him so badly because I need to laugh and to be in a place free of the complex and chaotic happenings within my mind. I can't go because I'm working and don't yet have the money I would like to have when I'm over there with him - he thinks the business I'm in is a waste of his time too so he's not exactly happy with me using as an excuse (Before your dirty minds run wild, I'm not a prostitute... Just thought I'd clarify). He's silly and fun and exciting. When I told him I lost my phone he called me stupid. I'm annoyed but oddly comforted. He makes me feel like a horrible and dull human being - that's my way of saying that he makes me want to be a better person. I really shouldn't have best friends. I'll ruin things again and they'll leave. I shouldn't love them so madly yet I cannot find justice in loving them any less. 

I'm running in circles trying to avoid the irritating admin that comes along with dealing with my shit. Over time all I've actually gained is the knowledge that life is ought to be lived in the grey areas, you know. It goes against human nature to live life without an attempt to organize one's existence according to the concepts the society we were born into places in front of us. I used to think that I just wanted answers to my problems - a side effect of an instant gratification driven generation. Now I am more certain that the last thing I am going to find are clear cut solutions. All I really want is a sense of peace within the light and dark facets of myself. I don't want relief, I want acceptance of pain.

Sigh, okay enough rambling for now. I'll probably be back here doing this again because I'm not going to have awfully much to do until I can make a plan for a replacement phone on Monday or Tuesday. I'm most upset that the title for this post is going to be ridiculously lame... because my blogging game is just that weak at the moment.

I Can't Run The World

It's not that I don't like running... It's that I hate running. I'm not saying that out of laziness and I'm not saying that out of lack of determination to reach my goals. It's just that if there was one thing I could by-pass in my plan to lose weight it would be running. There is nothing in this world that makes me feel more useless as a human being.

Before I say anything further I would just like to say that I know that I'm being a melodramatic about this entire thing and I should prob just deal with my issues and get over it already. That, however, takes time. It also takes a bit more understanding, on my part, of myself. I have such a skewed self-concept and self-esteem that it's going to take a lot to just simply understand the root problems that have resulted in the petty issues I seem to have in regards to my body.

Okay, running. Running is an extremely good way to burn calories, lose weight and get fit in a healthy way. I've heard that countless times and I don't dispute the fact that it is true (there is too much evidence to prove that it is, in fact, true). It's just something that I have not yet been able to bring myself to do voluntarily. Yes, I sound utterly ridiculous right now but it's true. 

Running is deeply uncomfortable for me so on a physical level it isn't something I particularly enjoy doing. I've been told so many times that I will get used to it as I run more often and more consistently... I know all that cool stuff and whatever but it doesn't mean anything to me at the moment. I'm not a completely stagnant, inactive person and it's not like I've never attempted to run in my life - that's so far from the truth. I was forced, all throughout primary school, to take part in athletics days that would result in me feeling humiliated after finishing last in some stupid 200m race. I played sport like netball in primary school and then in high school I played cricket - the sports in themselves were fun and enjoyed the exercise in that way... but when it came to the compulsory fitness i.e. a lot of running, I went back to despising what I was doing.

To me, running is symbolic of failure and if you know me relatively well you know that I hate and fear failure and the very idea of failing at something. I hate doing things I'm not good at and yes that means I am somewhat denying myself multiple opportunities and new experiences but I don't do things in the same way other people do anyway, okay... I'll stop being a baby and I'll get over it eventually. I just need to take my time in getting to a place where I'm unashamed of who I am and of my body.

Right now, with the frame of mind that I have right now... I would say that I am not as confident as I'd like to be in order to start running. I wouldn't be able to run anywhere out of the fear that someone may see me and judge me - that fat girl trying to run herself skinny but to no avail. I wouldn't be able to run with  friends out of the fear of being to slow and letting them down as well as appearing useless and unfit to them. I just can't afford to feel useless at anything else - just let me stick to what I know for a while until I stop being a girl and get over myself.

So this blog post, funnily enough, has been helping me to procrastinate instead of going for my daily gym session - you see, I do exercise! I just really don't want to run... Sigh, I know I'll probably end up running eventually and when I do, I shall keep you posted on my progress and my journey to a skinnier and fitter me.

Off to my running-free gym session for the day!

--J.