Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy

I hope you find some sort of comfort in the fact that I blog far less frequently nowadays out of consideration of what you have told me in regards to the content of the majority of my posts. You were right, of course, to say that the nature of my writing depicts my life as something that it is definitely not. I am a very blessed child to the point that some would look at me and call me spoilt. My blogging often reflects a very different picture - one of constant sadness and a tortured mind and soul. 

The truth is that a person is consistent of many parts. I have chosen to mainly express the parts of myself that I generally cannot speak about to my family and friends in person through the means of various blogging platforms. There is something impersonal yet still intimate about sharing your life online. You don't know who will read what you write or what they really think unless explicitly expressed. All I see are the number of page views I get. I am hardly a good enough blogger to warrant the comments of others nor is the content I generally discuss that which stirs others to say anything back to me. It just feels comforting to know that I can say what I otherwise feel that I cannot.I do recognize, however, that what I say here most of the time is deeply unfair to the people who love me. I admit that I have created a somewhat skewed perception of my life and for that I apologize with all sincerity. 

That being said, I would like you to know that I am struggling. Despite my blessings, I am finding life very difficult at the moment... and I have been for quite some time. I feel ashamed for even saying that because I do not really understand why I could possibly be so filled with anguish and pain when I have so much to be joyful about and so much to be thankful for. It drives me crazy to think what I put you through on the basis of the fact that you and Mommy love me more than I could ever begin to comprehend. I feel guilty and stuck in a sea of terrible habits that I have only just begun to sift through.

I am lost. I thought that I could go about life being informed by that which everybody else wants. I am lost because I have no true sense of who I am. I cannot separate myself and my own needs from what others expect from me and of me. I am trying to determine whether those should have be separated all of the time. I am trying so hard to find my feet in a world that is, I feel, spinning just a little too quickly for me. I know my mother has a go-to answer and that is to trust in God and to find myself in relation to the Lord. She's right. However, it is a far greater feat than I have ever imagined. The world is so critical and so vast and I am still trying to get a sense of what I actually believe and to what degree my faith needs strengthening. I feel so ill-equipped in the face of daily temptations, pressures and expectations. I feel weak. I know I am weak. I don't think there is anything else that I pray for more than strength.

I am scared. I fear failure and the looming dark cloud of my own inadequacy. I fear that I will never be able to feel as though I have made you and Mommy proud even though you have told me that you are on countless occasions. I fear that I will never be a good enough sister to my siblings because I focus so often on what they are better at than me and I find myself belittling my abilities and achievements according to what they have achieved or are able to do better than I. I am scared that I will never be good enough for someone - I fear rejection and I fear loneliness. It eats away at me everyday to think of the possibility that I will never find love and be able to experience the magic and the splendor of marriage that you and Mommy have been an example of to me. It scares me to think that I have set standards that are too high and that I will have to settle. I am scared of the idea of submission and feel deeply threatened by the idea of being dominated. I am already a doormat to most and I cannot do it anymore... especially not in a long-term, committed, intimate relationship. I fear that it will kill me to be in the shadows any longer. I feel as though I am burning in the dark, screaming violently among a crowd of the deaf. I am scared that I will end up doing something that makes me miserable... and that is what motivates to do something different.

I am mostly apologetic for the fact that I have given you so much unnecessary grief but there's a part of me that is glad for having never been close to perfect. At least I have the joy of making your life interesting through my strangeness. I have always managed to make a mess of things - even now I find that this post has become a lot about the sadness of my life and I just want you to know that that is not what I am trying to get at. I want you to be able to understand what is going on in my life, in my head and in my heart. In the midst of the problems that are largely of my own creation, please know that I am grateful. I am thankful; I recognize that I am divinely favored where others are not. I have an on-going education, I have a home, I have safety, I have loving friends and family, I don't have a war being waged above my head or on my doorstep, I have access to an abundance of opportunities that the majority of this world cannot even fathom. I know that everything that I have is thanks to you and thanks to my mother... and thanks to the merciful, gracious God that gave it to you in the first place. I am blessed. I am blessed. I am blessed.

While I am hurting and I am sad, I ask for your prayer and your support. I ask for patience and I ask for guidance - not that you do not provide or offer those things readily and more than willingly. I do not want to be stuck in the dark corners of my life only to ignore the abundance of light handed to me with no strings attached. I need your advice and your hugs and your affirmation of me now more than ever. I need to find what it is within me that prevents from letting myself feel the love that I have been immersed in all of my life. "The fruit is right in front of you... You have only to taste it."

I am sorry that it is taking so long. I am sorry that it is not something I have found to be easy to do. I am sorry that I have been unfair and self-destructive to a point where it has caused me to become so self-absorbed.

I have chosen to do this blog post as an attempt to prove that not everything I write has to employ a tortured undercurrent. How could I ever write to or about my Daddy without an overwhelming sense of love, peace, gratitude, respect and admiration?

I love you. I truly love you.

- Agony blogger

  Number Three

  Your baby girl

  

  Jillian

The Self-Revolution

Perhaps you'll never really understand me because I'll never be able to explain myself to you. I think all of my stupid issues came about as a result of some other more deeply-rooted problems... So everything is spun out of proportion and made a big deal of when it really ought not to be. It's really a shame. Imagine what I would be like if I wasn't such a psycho.

It's rather difficult for one to admit when they are wrong... Similarly, for me to admit that I react unnecessarily to certain things is an almost painful thing to do. In the moment, it is easy to justify my reactions and my emotions but as soon as I have been removed from that situation or enough time has elapsed, I am able to see just how stupid I have been in the past. I know a lot of people can relate to that because honestly, everybody makes mistakes... but I suppose I just feel like it's something I'm constantly doing and not actually learning from even though modifying or correcting my behaviour would save me from a lot of pain and trouble.

I can't dispute the fact that I am such a girl when it comes to certain things - really, I just mean that I am way too emotionally immersed in situations than I should be. Hence, I overreact and I say and do things that I shouldn't. I become obsessive and crazy about something that, in perhaps even the space of a few weeks, will mean absolutely nothing to me. I can't imagine why I don't realise that in my many moments of insanity. It's quite ludicrous and quite frankly, it's exhausting.

It's not really myself that I feel sorry for, it's more the people that happen to surround me at these particular times. I am ridiculous and just so incredibly stupid. I'm too much - I truly and honestly realise that. I can't, however, say that I have the means to resolve that issue or flaw in my personality. I do not know enough about my psyche that points to the initial events that sparked my resulting absurdity. I don't understand myself well enough to know of the root causes of my reactions and choices. I just know that there must be something - no one can be born like this... This is something the world does to you. 

I've written blog posts similar to this one in that I've recognised the flaws that are characteristic of my personality. I've apologised for the lack of knowing what to do about said flaws. I don't really know what more to say other than sorry because it kind of is all I can say that seems appropriate. I've put people through hell because of stupid decisions I've made. I've driven people away from me because they no longer know how to deal with me or simply because they've had enough and don't want to have anything more to do with me. It's so so unfortunate and it makes me so incredibly disappointed in myself. I am so blessed - I am constantly and continuously being blessed with amazing people in my life but there is always something that I manage to do to drive those people away. It is amazing how I have the ability to be a really good friend on the one hand but then also a complete psychopath at times. It's unbelievably frustrating because I cannot think of an adequately traumatising experience that I would've had to go through that would make me like this.

I am so fortunate in that I have had just about the greatest childhood imaginable. I am so lucky and so blessed yet here I am, at the age of 19 having successfully driven people to madness and derision over my idiocy. How? I cannot confidently say... Perhaps those people that I have referred to may be able to provide some clarity surrounding that topic. 

I could never begin to explain myself due to the fact that I have not yet begun to understand who I am or what I have become. All I can say for certain is that I am a lot more conscious of the way I act and react now than I used to be because I don't want to make the same stupid mistakes again. All I can say is that I am trying not to be the person that everybody thought I was... I'm changing - in fact, perhaps it can be said that I have changed somewhat already. I'm no longer the girl I was in high school - consistently dark and depressive... I would like to believe that I am more of a blessing instead of a burden in the lives of the people I come into contact with. 

As long as I have the conviction to not be the emotional vampire that I once was, I believe that perhaps one day I will learn to be truly happy with who I am and proud of my ability to change for the better. 

Look at me trying to be all self-revolutionary! In all honesty though, I have been made so much more aware of the blessing of true friends this year and I plan on appreciating the beautiful souls in my life. Being a psychopath has truly become a bore and I think that from now on I shall choose a happier kind of weirdness instead.

--J.