The Definition of an Escape

I think someone should video and/or interview me when I am painting or when I'm drawing. I sit and I listen to my own mind as everything that I've kept in suddenly pours out... Every emotion, thought and memory seems to run to my fingertips in an attempt to spill over some imaginary threshold in order to find it's way to the page acting as my canvas. This is the definition of an escape.

I have a lengthy track record of being inappropriate... and perhaps not in the way that people are usually inappropriate. My emotions never fit convention and often they're overwhelming to a burning degree of intensity - I can't help that I feel far too much. I can't help that my head and my heart are intertwined in never-ending fist fights and that they can never agree on anything. I bet the majority of people who know anything about me would be surprised at the amount of emotion and thought I actually end up suppressing. I don't even realist it until I have a quiet moment to myself because when everything is supposed to be at its most peaceful, that's when I hear the screaming at maximum volume. In the extreme silence, I am plagued by the noise that resides within me. That's why I need something to let it out without freaking everybody out with my mental insanity. That's why there is such a thing as a vice, an escape, a coping mechanism. I have many and have tried even more.

Being the psychopath that I have been labelled as, it is no surprise that I have experimented with vices that are not considered to be healthy. I tried the whole alcohol thing - it thankfully didn't work out for me... Sometimes I enjoyed the numbness but I hated the sense of not being within a solid reality... I wanted to find something that helped me within a sober reality so that I would be okay 'here', you know? I don't want to stay 'there' where alcohol can take you. I want to be conscious of my happiness and more importantly I want my happiness to come from my physical life and relationships and not from the haze used as a means to block them out. 

I tried cutting and that worked for a little while until it became an addiction and essentially more the problem than the solution. It was a means for getting attention, releasing what I thought to be unbearable pain and trying to convince myself that I deserved the punishment and self-mutilation... I hated myself - every cut was a hit, every scar was a bruise. My tears coincided with drawing blood. It felt like bleeding the little that I did was a way to let my life slowly seep from me so that it wouldn't be so harshly and heavily thrust upon me. With cutting the numbness came within sobriety so it did for me what alcohol could never do. The addiction meant that it became a tired act and its effectiveness was no longer in existence. It grew from being a vice for emotional pain to a regular occurrence on nights where I couldn't sleep or at times where I had managed to get a look at the eye-sore that was my body before I got into the shower. It was my form of self-punishment for every shred of mediocrity and futility that I felt resided within me. I wished to strip away the ugliness one scar after the other. I was so blinded by the somewhat enjoyable sting that came with my masochistic tendencies that I didn't see the horror in my best friend's eyes when he begged me to stop. I fed the fear for my life that built in the mind's of some of my friends. I couldn't remove myself from the mess long enough to see just how blood-crazy I had become. I didn't even recognize just how much it had contributed to my unhappiness instead of helping to end it. I was stuck in a vicious cycle that was characterized by hatred, suicidal thoughts, selfishness and cowardice. My addiction slowed and I entered what I view as a recovery period after I had hurt and lost too many of my friends to my insanity to remain in the cycle with comfort. I relapsed on occasion but I never re-entered the consistency of self-harm that I had experienced for so long. In fact, what has (up until this point) gotten me to stop cutting was not therapy or a positive support network... It was the callousness of someone who cared very little about me and knew me as well Thamsanqa Jantjie knows sign language (if this comparison is lost on you then just know that she had no true knowledge of me - she had an idea but knew nothing of substance). My roommate in my first year of university reacted to my cutting in a way that I had never before experienced. I was used to the reactions of my friends - the worry, the desire to get me to stop for my own sake, the care, the attention, the love. She reacted as though I was an escaped resident of a mental asylum who would, at any moment, cut myself and anybody else without warning. She made me feel like a bloodthirsty serial killer. She worried after her own safety instead of the safety the person that my cutting was most effecting - me. I was taken aback by her reaction and for a while I couldn't understand her selfishness... Until I recognized my own. I realized through that experience that I had hurt and scarred so many other people that I had not intended to. I saw the ugliness behind it and for the first time I understood it. It came to my comprehension that I couldn't be that person any more - despite the temptation of a blissfully numb experience within an all too vibrant and demanding reality, despite the relief that came with losing myself... Although I was originally hurt by the insensitivity of my old roommate, I really can't thank her enough for delivering the final blow that knocked me backed into whatever normality and sanity I could still cling to.

My realizations never took away any of the pain and it certainly did nothing to lessen the noise that crashed around in my mind like waves against a cliff face. I was just left with the dilemma of having no vice and the challenge of finding one that was not considered to be psychologically and physically unhealthy. I have always been a creative person, I have always enjoyed writing and painting and drawing. Even throughout my experimentation and addiction phases, I had my blog and I always wrote and drew. I never made an intentional effort to make use of them as vices. I was stupid in that I dreadfully underestimated the effects of creative channeling. I soon found it in everything - acting, writing, painting, drawing, singing, making videos, playing games with kids, listening to music etc. When I did the things that I had always done but while viewing them as vices or escapes, they became that. 

The noise never truly subsides but I don't view that as a negative anymore. When I use creativity as a channel for everything that is going on within my mind, I find that the fruits thereof tend to be so much more amazing. I look at my work with a greater sense of pride because it feels like something that is a physical and tangible part of me. My escape has now not only caused me to be that much happier as a person but it causes me to produce work that is so much more substantial and meaningful. I feel like I've found my purpose - to create... To create that which only emotion can render. 

That's why I feel that when I paint, draw, write, etc. someone should really be writing down the abundance of thoughts that run to escape the confines of my mind. While the vast majority of them are pretty average and run of the mill kind of thoughts... Some tend to be slightly above that line of mediocrity. Some of the things that go on in my head make me laugh, some make me cry - some make me proud and other thoughts are cause for concern. Some thoughts make me think more others make me want to close my eyes and never think ever again. Some thoughts are holy and inspired while others come from a depth of hell that I didn't even know I was in. The spectrum varies from one end to the other and back again... Nothing is normal but yet everything that I think is understandably a typically "Jillian-thought". My mind surprises and shocks me, bores me and occasionally brings me to my knees at the verge of life and death. 

As scary as it tends to be, I wouldn't trade my mind for anyone else's. I wouldn't want anyone else's peace of mind - I'm madly in love with the chaos that resides within me and the ability for creativity that it affords me. I've embraced the abnormality and insanity and I don't expect nor require the acceptance or understanding of anyone else to be able to appreciate who I am. I consider myself to be terribly lucky to be able to think in the way that I do - it enables me to be compassionate, to be obscenely and sincerely generous and to be genuinely empathetic. I am grateful for my mental hardships as well as the moments of clarity that I occasionally experience because both have shaped me... 

Both have made me who I am - blissfully, wonderfully, happily and willingly insane to a point where I have become my own escape.

--J.

Casting The Burden

I hate looking at a scale. I hate knowing that my goals are no where near to being realized. It feels as if all I've done - the healthy eating, the gymming, etc. - it's all been for nothing. It feels useless and I feel so incredibly stupid because I actually thought I was getting somewhere.

It is so bizarre to me how I can feel healthy and happy and amazing in a physical sense but one stupid little number can just cause every shred of pride in your accomplishments to completely dissipate.  My mother used the word 'fixated' to describe my current association with my weight and physical appearance as I stood glaring at the scale. She's so very right though - she often is. I don't know what it is with me and my horrid relationship with my body. I don't know what I ultimately want to look like, I don't know how far I want or need to go until I'll be satisfied... All I know is that I don't want to look how I look right now. I just don't want to look like me.

I suppose that I sound grossly superficial in this instance... I know it's such a petty thing to allocate so much time and attention to. I don't know if it can currently be helped though. I've been insecure about my body ever since I can remember being aware of my physical appearance. I've always been the fat, ugly kid who always stood a part from her gorgeous friends with perfect figures. Especially when I was younger, I felt as though it was so unfair that I looked the way I did and that because of my physical appearance it meant I was allowed to be the victim of verbal bullying from my peers as well as from people who were really close to me. So I've always grown up with this massively skewed self-concept aided by my negative and dismal self esteem and my unrealistic idea of my ideal self. That's just how it's always been and I suppose then it's needless to say that my insecurity surrounding my physical appearance directly influenced my emotional and psychological health as well.

I struggled for a while with an eating problem - I'm not quite sure whether I have the liberty to call it a disorder. I still don't have the healthiest of relationships when it comes to eating... It's not about what I eat so much as it is about how much I eat. I generally eat very healthily i.e. low in carbohydrates, low in sugar, low in sodium, high protein, lots of tea and water, minimal junk food or takeaways, etc. Unfortunately, I go through this back and forth - a vicious cycle if you will. Either I eat far too little or far too much. It's always been like that. However, my phases of binge or excessive eating are far shorter than my almost anorexic approach to food. I wrote a poem about a year or so ago that very aptly portrays my view of my body as well as my view in regards to eating or the lack thereof as a means to solving my physical crises. I have grown up somewhat since having written the poem but there are still definite correlations between my self esteem and self concept of both then and now.

Oh To Starve - By Jillian Lawrence

When I happen  

To steal a glance at the mirror…

I cringe. 

My dignity and sanity,

Slowly unhinged.

I don’t see a person

I don’t see me…

I don’t even see what you think

That you see.

I see all of my failures-

They’re scars across my face.

A mark of the disgrace.

I see the overwhelming evidence

Of a girl unwanted.

Unneeded and defeated.

I look big, like a giant of sorts

Every blink is a thunderous roar

Every step is a trembling quake.

It must be a mistake…

Why does reality seem so fake.

Why do you see a person

While I see a mountainous ruin.

Grotesque and obscene

Obesity of note

A fat joke…

Oh murder was all that she wrote

But never could do it.

I can’t do it.

Oh to die would be too easy

It seems too good to be true

The only downside would be

Not saying goodbye to you.

All I see in the mirror

Is the mess-

What I've confessed.

I can’t face it 

I can’t beat it.

It’s too big to beat.

The only solution is to starve

So that the shell of my adversity

Dwindles and dies

That way nobody cries…

Because there’s no blood,

Only my face in the mud.

Oh to starve so that I 

May fade away

Until I wish to be seen someday

The more I see

The more I'm reminded 

Of all I've done

Of all they did.

Oh to starve…

It seems the only way

To disappear a little more

Each day…

So that I may not be reminded

Of my darkest desires

To give up completely

To starve my body of air-

To kick the chair…

Oh to starve...

And to rid myself of life.

I found it quite morbid to read that and also somewhat chilling to recall my own state of mind when I first penned that poem. I've grown somewhat more confident in myself but I am still far from content. I think that's going to take a lot more work on my part as well as a lot more spiritual growth. I can go on these intense body bashing trips and then I suddenly realise that I am hating on something that God created and that He finds beautiful. At present, I don't understand why I was created to look the way that I do but I do know and believe firmly that God's plan and reasons for doing things is far beyond mortal comprehension. I feel so guilty at times when I look in the mirror and still hate what I see - I want so badly to be okay with not being the thinnest or the prettiest person on the planet. I want to say that I'll be okay with looking average... but I hate complacency and I hate the idea of mediocrity. That's why I have this raging inner conflict... because I'm fighting with myself and I get angry with myself for not being amazing at everything. I hate not being good at things and I hate thinking that I have not lived up to the expectations that I have of myself and that other people have of me.

I look in the mirror and I feel like I'm losing. It doesn't seem to matter that I eat healthily and exercise. The change or the difference that is supposed to come about is not apparent to me. Even when I somehow think that it is and for a split second I am happy with myself, there is something that ruins it for me... Like a snide comment from my sister or someone takes a photo of me and I don't look as good as I thought I felt. Inferiority is something I've always had to grapple with and it often wins as a result of it being so overwhelming at times. My physical struggle is perhaps most prominent because it's something I face continuously and I am most aware of it... I'm constantly caused to compare myself to everyone else - mentally deciding that they're prettier than me because they're thinner, because they have blue eyes, because their hair is longer, because their nose is sharper. I know I shouldn't but it's become inherent and that's why I call what I face an inner struggle because I loathe the fact that it has become habitual for me to knock myself down. It's like an out-of-body experience at the moment - I watch myself self-destruct at the fault of my own venomous words... And I can't run from myself. All I can do is try to distract myself from the screaming in my head - the sheer torment that I'll always be this way; that I'll always feel the pain of inadequacy.

I want more than anything to just be better. I want to keep getting better until my dying day... I just feel so blocked and frustrated at the fact that my efforts fall short. For those of you who have ever watched A Knight's Tale (if you haven't, go watch it - you have not yet lived until you do)... I feel like there's this voice inside of me that I can only assimilate to Adhemar. I keep hearing that line where he says, "You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting. In what world could you possibly beat me?" In what world could I ever be good enough? Whether it be physically, academically, creatively... Will I ever be as extraordinary as I have always dreamed to be? My biggest fear is that I will die and no one will care... I want to be remembered, I want to make a difference yet this overwhelming sense of mediocrity has me doubtful and worried about whether I'll die with integrity or in the depths of despair.

I don't want this baggage and the burden of all of my toxic insecurity any more. I'm clinging so desperately to faith and to God right now. I'm trusting so blindly and with such indignation because I have no choice but to refuse the suffering and to rather choose the peace that comes with resting in the assurance of Christ. I can't love any one fully until I stop hating myself. I can't ever be in a healthy relationship until I'm able to affirm myself instead of expecting to have all of my insecurities be somehow miraculously cured by some poor mortal man - only my God can do that. 

I just want all the hurtful words of the past to die and to slip from my memory... I don't want to see the faces of the people who verbally abused the shy and overly-sensitive primary school Jill as raging distortions that choke me as I sleep. I don't want to look at my own sister, someone who I've always naturally looked to as a role model and looked for affirmation from, wishing that I had never existed to her so as to escape her criticism of me. I just want to be able to love my friends, family and God as they ought to be loved... and while this hate rages within me and eats away at my very soul, I cannot do that - I cannot be better.

I want to look at myself and see something beautiful - it doesn't matter what 'beautiful' actually looks like, I just want to feel as though I no longer have to change or attempt to be someone or something that I am not for the sake of the acceptance of others. I don't want the number on a scale or carelessly tossed insults to define the way I view myself. I want to be proud of the fact that I was moulded and shaped by a loving God who made me the way that I am for reasons that are good and perfectly in contribution and accordance with His plan and His will. I want to delight in the fact that I have been fearfully and wonderfully made instead of dwelling in the self-imposed misery surrounding my feelings of inadequacy. I want to smile instead of inwardly scowling at the mirror - I want to be thankful instead of melancholy to point where I am blind to my blessings.

--J.

Embracing the Uncomfortable

I think it is safe to say that I have never been so wholly uncomfortable in my entire life. Emotionally, mentally, socially and physically - I am in an indefinite stage of unease. The strange thing is that I'm kind of okay with not being within my comfort zone and I now have reason to believe that this is where I need to be right now in my life's journey and the apparent lack of comfort ought to be welcomed and embraced.

I was sitting in church yesterday morning after having volunteered in the children's ministry in the first session. My body was sore (it still is sore actually) as a result of my daily exercise routine - which has recently become intensified - and I couldn't help but inwardly express the thought, "I feel so uncomfortable right now." My church's head pastor walked onto stage after the worship session (which made my legs stiffen up because of having to stand in essentially the same position) and he began speaking about giving. Now, this is a usual precursor in my church before the offering is taken up so I naturally didn't think it necessary to pay any more attention to it than I usually would've. That being said, as soon as he asked the question, "Is there anyone who feels uncomfortable?", I knew God was speaking. He began speaking about how one should be thankful and embrace being uncomfortable because it is in those times of life that God works within us best and grows us for His cause. So I think I'm in that growth phase. I thank God for answering me even when I didn't ask to be answered - He is so great.

Okay, so don't get me wrong now... Physical or muscular pain is not my only source of uncomfort - it just happens to be a contributor. I've been feeling emotionally alienated for an extremely extensive period - in fact, I can probably pin point the beginning of this alienation to the start of this year. My emotional unease is not conventionally a bad thing - in fact, normal people would consider me practically insane for feeling uncomfortable with my current emotional state. You see, the the thing is that I'm happy. I'm happy, I'm content, I feel loved... yet I don't know what to do with myself as a result. Prior to university, the last two years of my life had been so incredibly dark and depressing... and numbing to a point where I got used to it and  began to expect nothing else for myself except pain and perpetual unhappiness. I thought I was doomed to a life of sadness and quietly suffocating despair. The change of this year and the incredible people I have met have forced me to shed the negativity that I had been carrying around for years. I'm surrounded by positivity and love to a point where I don't know how to react any more. I can't act in the same way as I used to, my relationships are bound to change as well as a result. As much as I am thankful for the phenomenal change in my life, I cannot help but be afraid of everything that has become so different. I can't help but fear that which I know absolutely nothing about as of yet. I am open to learn and I know I will have to but it's a daunting task - it requires me to rewire my own mind and my heart that have been so haunted and heavy for so long. I fear more than anything that, ultimately, I won't be able to manage, accomplish or sustain this change and that I'll simply relapse into what I have so long known to be comfortable and normal. It's scary to think just how easy to would be to go back to where I'm most comfortable and where I learnt how to do life - that dark place. Therefore, I pray and I beg and I plead to remain uncomfortable.

When I say mentally uncomfortably, I mean in terms of my academics. I have recently been very internally conflicted in regards to the work I'm doing at varsity. I don't know if I'm working hard enough. In fact, I know I could work harder but then there's the dilemma of motivation. I work hard but if I spent less time blogging, social networking, spending time with friends and family etc. one can assume that I would do better academically. Where does one draw the line between work and play? I've always been the type of person who expects a lot from themselves. I can't help but have high standards and therefore I also can't help being extremely disappointed to the point of devastation when I somehow don't achieve my personal goals. I can't stand failure - I despise it. I fear feeling stupid and inferior even in the event of having worked hard at something. I hate the feeling of not being good enough. So right now, I'm in this state of unease at university where I am just under a lot of self-inflicted pressure to achieve and to do well. I am praying that this will be more of means of motivation than a source of  unnecessary anxiety or depression.

Socially, I don't quite feel on par with everybody else around me. I'm reaching the stage of life now where I'm supposed to be investing time in looking for a long-standing, intimate relationship. I just really couldn't care less at the moment. In fact, the prospect of a relationship puts me off to a surprising degree. I don't know whether it's because I'm subconsciously a coward or consumed with the fear of rejection. I just know that I don't want what the people around me seem to want. I know that shouldn't define me and that I don't have to want to be in a relationship but due to the circumstance and the expectations others have for their lives, I feel slightly out of place and once again subject to alienation of some kind. It is no means to say that I feel uncomfortable in that I don't want to be around people who feel differently to me - it's more of a personal struggle that I am pursuing. For the longest time, I've wanted to be in a relationship and I've wanted that personal attention from a significant other and now all of a sudden I've done a complete 180 where I cringe at the idea of a relationship. I feel so strange but I'm taking it as it comes rather than trying to analyse anything too severely. Perhaps this is a time of preparation. So for now I shall be patient and see what God has in store in this regard.

I don't mind being uncomfortable if it means that I will be better off for being this way. God has a plan that I am unaware of and have no hopes of ever grasping so I shall trust in Him to shape me for the purpose of His glory. For now, I shall embrace the uncomfortable.

--J.

The Self-Revolution

Perhaps you'll never really understand me because I'll never be able to explain myself to you. I think all of my stupid issues came about as a result of some other more deeply-rooted problems... So everything is spun out of proportion and made a big deal of when it really ought not to be. It's really a shame. Imagine what I would be like if I wasn't such a psycho.

It's rather difficult for one to admit when they are wrong... Similarly, for me to admit that I react unnecessarily to certain things is an almost painful thing to do. In the moment, it is easy to justify my reactions and my emotions but as soon as I have been removed from that situation or enough time has elapsed, I am able to see just how stupid I have been in the past. I know a lot of people can relate to that because honestly, everybody makes mistakes... but I suppose I just feel like it's something I'm constantly doing and not actually learning from even though modifying or correcting my behaviour would save me from a lot of pain and trouble.

I can't dispute the fact that I am such a girl when it comes to certain things - really, I just mean that I am way too emotionally immersed in situations than I should be. Hence, I overreact and I say and do things that I shouldn't. I become obsessive and crazy about something that, in perhaps even the space of a few weeks, will mean absolutely nothing to me. I can't imagine why I don't realise that in my many moments of insanity. It's quite ludicrous and quite frankly, it's exhausting.

It's not really myself that I feel sorry for, it's more the people that happen to surround me at these particular times. I am ridiculous and just so incredibly stupid. I'm too much - I truly and honestly realise that. I can't, however, say that I have the means to resolve that issue or flaw in my personality. I do not know enough about my psyche that points to the initial events that sparked my resulting absurdity. I don't understand myself well enough to know of the root causes of my reactions and choices. I just know that there must be something - no one can be born like this... This is something the world does to you. 

I've written blog posts similar to this one in that I've recognised the flaws that are characteristic of my personality. I've apologised for the lack of knowing what to do about said flaws. I don't really know what more to say other than sorry because it kind of is all I can say that seems appropriate. I've put people through hell because of stupid decisions I've made. I've driven people away from me because they no longer know how to deal with me or simply because they've had enough and don't want to have anything more to do with me. It's so so unfortunate and it makes me so incredibly disappointed in myself. I am so blessed - I am constantly and continuously being blessed with amazing people in my life but there is always something that I manage to do to drive those people away. It is amazing how I have the ability to be a really good friend on the one hand but then also a complete psychopath at times. It's unbelievably frustrating because I cannot think of an adequately traumatising experience that I would've had to go through that would make me like this.

I am so fortunate in that I have had just about the greatest childhood imaginable. I am so lucky and so blessed yet here I am, at the age of 19 having successfully driven people to madness and derision over my idiocy. How? I cannot confidently say... Perhaps those people that I have referred to may be able to provide some clarity surrounding that topic. 

I could never begin to explain myself due to the fact that I have not yet begun to understand who I am or what I have become. All I can say for certain is that I am a lot more conscious of the way I act and react now than I used to be because I don't want to make the same stupid mistakes again. All I can say is that I am trying not to be the person that everybody thought I was... I'm changing - in fact, perhaps it can be said that I have changed somewhat already. I'm no longer the girl I was in high school - consistently dark and depressive... I would like to believe that I am more of a blessing instead of a burden in the lives of the people I come into contact with. 

As long as I have the conviction to not be the emotional vampire that I once was, I believe that perhaps one day I will learn to be truly happy with who I am and proud of my ability to change for the better. 

Look at me trying to be all self-revolutionary! In all honesty though, I have been made so much more aware of the blessing of true friends this year and I plan on appreciating the beautiful souls in my life. Being a psychopath has truly become a bore and I think that from now on I shall choose a happier kind of weirdness instead.

--J.

A Thousand Apologies

I know you may look at me and think, "Why is she such a freak?" or "Why can't she just relax and be easy?". Let me start off by apologising then... I'm sorry for being that person. 

I'm not and wasn't always the psychotic person that you've come to resent and ignore... I actually can be a pretty decent friend - I really hope that no matter how you feel about me now, you still remember that I was a good friend to you at one point and I was once able to make you laugh or smile. I hope you remember the good memories because when I think about my friends, that's what I think about and that's why it hurts to move on and let go because the memories will always be there. I remember the good times and I wish that I hadn't been the cause of there abrupt and unnecessary end. I care a lot about people and, needless to say, that the closer we are; the more I tend to care. I often get to a point where I begin to care too much and that's where things start to unravel and get intense... This is the point where people start freaking out and begin to run away (or are just pushed away by the the person I become).

My problem is that I panic instinctively and incessantly. When I feel someone drifting or there's a lack in attention for whatever reason, I start to panic. This is where I turn into an absolute, obsessive nightmare. I get so scared of losing someone that I latch on and cling to whatever remains of a relationship there may be. I attach myself so tightly so as to attempt to save a friendship that I feel that I am losing... even though I end up losing that friendship despite my bizarre efforts and I often get a lot more hurt through that process than I ever would have, had I simply just accepted my fate and not panicked in the first place.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for panicking and for freaking out. I'm sorry for being psychotic and intense all the time. I'm sorry that I pushed away people who actually cared about me but who got to the point where giving up on me was their only option. I'm sorry for thinking too much about absolutely everything and for being so emotional to the extent that you may have become overwhelmed, uncomfortable and unable to understand or tolerate me any longer. Please know that I'm sorry... and know that I wish somehow you could forgive or even learn to love me again... but I understand if you can't do that.

Please know that I've grown and changed quite a lot this year - hence my ability to admit and acknowledge that I have a very toxic problem regarding relationships. Please know that I am trying. I am really, really trying to get better and to be better and to just work on myself. I want to be someone you wouldn't mind talking to or making time to see. I want to be that friend that you can always count on having a good time with. I want to be that friend that you feel that you always confide in. I'm trying to be that person. I'm trying so hard to change... not just for the sake of my friends and future relationships but for my own sake as well because I don't want to get hurt again or live my life being sad for another moment further. 

Sigh.

I can't think of much else to say. I suppose I will end the way I began this post - by apologising yet again. I'm terribly sorry. I've grown up enough to realise that I have no one to blame but myself. 

--J.

Why I'm A Weirdo Part 5: Kelly

I think this shall be the last instalment of the Why I'm A Weirdo series... There are a few other theories on personality development but they focus slightly more on one's behaviour and more how we learn to do things. So I'll be wrapping up the series with the cognitive approach... 

The major theorist of this approach is George Kelly and he claims that since we are rational beings (yes, believe it or not - women, although sometimes irrational, are rational beings too!), we make sense of the world using personal constructs. Personal constructs are representations of the world that we use to make sense of our experience. Therefore, Kelly claims that our personalities are built and develop according to these constructs. 

"An individual's psychological processes (experiences, thoughts, feelings, behaviours) are routed through various pathways by the ways in which he/she anticipates events" 

So Kelly is rather different to the other theorists I've spoken about previously because he doesn't focus so much on the past as much as the future. Our expectations of the outcomes of events or situations brought about by our personal constructs result in the development of 
our personality. 

We believe or anticipate things to happen in a similar way as they have in the past. When things don't go as we expect them to, we re-align our expectations in the future by changing our personal constructs or allowing our personal constructs to become susceptible to change.

We all have personal constructs that are unique to us. However, people who have similar sets of constructs are more likely to have similar experiences, behaviour and feelings. I know, for example, that at one point in my life I was very heavily influenced by a close friend of mine and I was shocked at the time to notice that we would experience and feel similar things and react to things in a similar way but it was because I had aligned my personal constructs to hers - we were, therefore, expecting or anticipating the same or similar outcomes when choosing the appropriate behaviour or feeling.

I like Kelly's theory, partly because he completely ignores the realm of emotion but put a person's personality down to a purely cognitive process. Somehow I find it comforting that all of the problems or weird situations I get myself into are all a result of what I've come up with in my own head and therefore I have the ability to change and control my life.

After reading up on all of these theories, I don't feel like that much of a freak any more... I'm still happily self-diagnosed as weird but that's just so much more exciting than being normal. 

Thank you for taking the time follow this series and if it sparked your interest or you want to know more - get Googling or comment below and I'll fill you in on whatever info you want. Also, if there's any topic you would like me to blog about in the future just let me know (either comment in the box below, hit me up on Twitter: @JillzPopz or Google Plus: Jillian Natalie - there should be a button on the sidebar where you can add me to your circles).

Thank you, Teacups! Keep reading...

--J.