Drowning in Fire

I wish I had an inkling as what to say. It has become increasingly difficult to find words lately - the chaos in my mind has become so tangled to the extent that it is no longer comprehensible. I just know that I am scared and sad... and holding onto hope wherever I can find it.

I haven't blogged in a while because, for the longest time, I have not felt comfortable enough to write anything to be publicly share. I haven't really had any desire to write in order to publish something to my blog... I've just been writing a lot in private in order to try and find some peace and quiet within the whirlwind of my mind. I found it to be therapeutic but only up until a certain point. Writing about what I've been feeling makes it somewhat less overwhelming but it also makes it that much more real to me. Furthermore, having your feelings and heartache laid out in front of you on a page doesn't mean that the problems you have identified will be magically solved.

It is definitely a struggle to find someone who I talk to - of course the problem also lies in that I generally don't want to talk to anyone at all yet I reluctantly admit that it would probably be best for me. I have trust issues and I generally don't talk about myself if it can be avoided. It's difficult thereafter to find someone who could stand a chance of understanding me. I'd much rather isolate myself - especially now when I feel like I'm being slowly suffocated within my own mind.

I have never quite known before what it meant to be at war with yourself - to be eaten alive from the inside out by your own demons. I feel like my life has become an antithesis or paradox within itself. My heart and my soul are on fire yet while I burn I feel drowning - choking, struggling and unable to breathe.

--J.

Fantasia

Yes, it's me again... Writing yet another blog post about love and feelings. It's so heavily consuming - every part of me beckoning for what it yearns for most... Love. 

For a while now, there has been only one guy on my mind. This one guy has held me heart completely and fully even without his knowledge or the slightest desire to. I've thought of no one else... Loved no one else. 

I wonder if it's actually him I am so enthralled and consumed by. Is it him... or rather the idea of him - the idea of this wonderful, magical man in my mind. Is it just my idea of my ideal guy projected onto his identity? Are the feelings I have for him even real or is it just all one giant, unlived, unspoken fantasy?

If, for whatever reason, I am forced to or am able to rip my attachment from him... will I come to like or love another or will I simply project and build upon the same, old fantasy? Is anything of what I thought I've felt real? Will I learn to forget that I adore you?

It's so frustrating... this realm of emotions that I am so consistently in contact with. I can't understand why God has put this desire in me to love and be loved so persistently. There are times when I wish that I didn't want to love people. I wish it were not possible for me to love, to think, to feel. It causes so many stupid problems because I am such a stupid little girl.

This fantasy in my mind - he's perfectly lovely. Perhaps he's not real at all. Perhaps he's nothing but a concoction of epic crushes and the movie-type love that I crave. 

Perhaps this anxiety and frustration in regard to this matter, has come about as a result of just being fed up of getting nothing out of liking you. I just feel stressed and scared all the time because I don't know if I should tell you how I feel... I can't handle rejection from you and I love our friendship - how selfish would it be of me to make things weird? Maybe I've finally reached a point where I'm tired of you just living in my thoughts and in my dreams and since I know we will never be together in reality, I am unconsciously giving up. 

Is this what letting go feels like... This despair and absolute exhaustion of the heart...

Is it all just a fantasy? Will I ever be loved?

--J.