Full-On Love

Take me by the hand

Take me by surprise.

Sneak up behind me,

Grab me by the waist - 

Just to give me a taste

Of what adoration

Feels like.

It should feel right

When you hold me tight

Like I'm all you want

And all you need.

Buy me flowers

For no reason

Just because no one

Has ever done that for me

Before.

Show me just a little bit more

Of your heart.
Tell me that I'm beautiful
Tell me that I'm magical...
Even though I'm average,
Even though you
Could do so much better.
Never let me go,
Make sure that I know
Why you chose me
Over everybody 
Else...
Even though 
It'll never make sense
To me.
Make me dance in the rain
Let's be cliche' 
And insane...
But only when you know
That I haven't
Just done my hair.
Show me that 
You care.
Even when I can be
Unbearable...
Tell me I'm unforgettable.
Whisper all the stupid things
That make me roll my eyes
Because I've been trying to pretend
That I don't want those
Warm, fuzzy feelings -
Those head-reeling,
Heart-leaping,
Too-good-to-be-true feelings.

Kiss me on the forehead

On my chin,

Then on my cheeks

North

South 

West
East.

And repeat...

Until we're dizzy

Until we're spinning - 

Until we're in love.

Because I can't wait

To know what that feels like,

To BE what that looks like.

Don't use the 'L' word -

Keep me in suspense

Make me tense

And stressed with the desire 

To please you.

Expect my best,

Accept my worst...
Quench my thirst
For a full-on love.

I Can't Run The World

It's not that I don't like running... It's that I hate running. I'm not saying that out of laziness and I'm not saying that out of lack of determination to reach my goals. It's just that if there was one thing I could by-pass in my plan to lose weight it would be running. There is nothing in this world that makes me feel more useless as a human being.

Before I say anything further I would just like to say that I know that I'm being a melodramatic about this entire thing and I should prob just deal with my issues and get over it already. That, however, takes time. It also takes a bit more understanding, on my part, of myself. I have such a skewed self-concept and self-esteem that it's going to take a lot to just simply understand the root problems that have resulted in the petty issues I seem to have in regards to my body.

Okay, running. Running is an extremely good way to burn calories, lose weight and get fit in a healthy way. I've heard that countless times and I don't dispute the fact that it is true (there is too much evidence to prove that it is, in fact, true). It's just something that I have not yet been able to bring myself to do voluntarily. Yes, I sound utterly ridiculous right now but it's true. 

Running is deeply uncomfortable for me so on a physical level it isn't something I particularly enjoy doing. I've been told so many times that I will get used to it as I run more often and more consistently... I know all that cool stuff and whatever but it doesn't mean anything to me at the moment. I'm not a completely stagnant, inactive person and it's not like I've never attempted to run in my life - that's so far from the truth. I was forced, all throughout primary school, to take part in athletics days that would result in me feeling humiliated after finishing last in some stupid 200m race. I played sport like netball in primary school and then in high school I played cricket - the sports in themselves were fun and enjoyed the exercise in that way... but when it came to the compulsory fitness i.e. a lot of running, I went back to despising what I was doing.

To me, running is symbolic of failure and if you know me relatively well you know that I hate and fear failure and the very idea of failing at something. I hate doing things I'm not good at and yes that means I am somewhat denying myself multiple opportunities and new experiences but I don't do things in the same way other people do anyway, okay... I'll stop being a baby and I'll get over it eventually. I just need to take my time in getting to a place where I'm unashamed of who I am and of my body.

Right now, with the frame of mind that I have right now... I would say that I am not as confident as I'd like to be in order to start running. I wouldn't be able to run anywhere out of the fear that someone may see me and judge me - that fat girl trying to run herself skinny but to no avail. I wouldn't be able to run with  friends out of the fear of being to slow and letting them down as well as appearing useless and unfit to them. I just can't afford to feel useless at anything else - just let me stick to what I know for a while until I stop being a girl and get over myself.

So this blog post, funnily enough, has been helping me to procrastinate instead of going for my daily gym session - you see, I do exercise! I just really don't want to run... Sigh, I know I'll probably end up running eventually and when I do, I shall keep you posted on my progress and my journey to a skinnier and fitter me.

Off to my running-free gym session for the day!

--J.