Epic Loves

There are always those people - those very special people... The ones we somehow never truly forget or let go of. There are those people in everybody's lives - sometimes it is just one person - that changes your life forever and influence every move you make in regards to relationships and feelings. There are always those Epic Loves.

Epic loves can be problematic... They're all-consuming. They involve emotion that defies all logic and reason. If you think you have experienced love, imagine it at its most imposing and impressive state - epic. Epic loves tend to have a somewhat dark, unhealthy, even obsessive quality about them - Romeo and Juliet committed suicide at the idea of life without the other. It is a love that ravages and envelopes the heart. It cannot be forgotten, it cannot be snuffed out... instead, it reverberates through the core of one's very being because, at one point, it was all of who we were.

You remember every minuscule and sometimes seemingly insignificant detail - they play over and over in your mind... Every decision you make from the moment you're consumed by an Epic Love is influenced by it. It changes you... not only the love part of the process but more often than not the pain part of it all. An Epic Love has the power to change all of who you are - it can build you up and make you stronger or it can crush and break you. Everything can change in just one burst of light... just as all can change when one is plunged into the night.

Needless to say, I haven't quite found my Romeo, my Chuck Bass or my Damon Salvatore... but somehow I have found ways to be epic all on my own. Even in complete loneliness, I have managed to experience what I like to call Epic Unrequited Love. I have loved unhealthily, obsessively and with a soul that is all-consumed... yet without reciprocation. When it comes to unrequited love, I am an Éponine (Les Miserables reference!)... But that's just little impatient me.

To love silently is a real skill... it takes practice. In other words, it takes many failed attempts and leaps of faith that have fallen short to know just what not to say; to know what to hide when you feel what you shouldn't.

My epic loves have changed me in many ways... having met them - having fallen in love with them is just that much harder in that it is so deeply woven into the very fabric of my being - all that I've become as a result. Epic loves are loved from the soul instead of the heart... There are few things truer.

They are the people you could never hate - no matter how much you may want to. Epic loves cannot be despised. They set and become the standards that all future loves are measured against until something of equal or greater measure comes along to consume you. Once experienced, nothing else and nothing short of epic will ever be good enough.

--J.

Fantasia

Yes, it's me again... Writing yet another blog post about love and feelings. It's so heavily consuming - every part of me beckoning for what it yearns for most... Love. 

For a while now, there has been only one guy on my mind. This one guy has held me heart completely and fully even without his knowledge or the slightest desire to. I've thought of no one else... Loved no one else. 

I wonder if it's actually him I am so enthralled and consumed by. Is it him... or rather the idea of him - the idea of this wonderful, magical man in my mind. Is it just my idea of my ideal guy projected onto his identity? Are the feelings I have for him even real or is it just all one giant, unlived, unspoken fantasy?

If, for whatever reason, I am forced to or am able to rip my attachment from him... will I come to like or love another or will I simply project and build upon the same, old fantasy? Is anything of what I thought I've felt real? Will I learn to forget that I adore you?

It's so frustrating... this realm of emotions that I am so consistently in contact with. I can't understand why God has put this desire in me to love and be loved so persistently. There are times when I wish that I didn't want to love people. I wish it were not possible for me to love, to think, to feel. It causes so many stupid problems because I am such a stupid little girl.

This fantasy in my mind - he's perfectly lovely. Perhaps he's not real at all. Perhaps he's nothing but a concoction of epic crushes and the movie-type love that I crave. 

Perhaps this anxiety and frustration in regard to this matter, has come about as a result of just being fed up of getting nothing out of liking you. I just feel stressed and scared all the time because I don't know if I should tell you how I feel... I can't handle rejection from you and I love our friendship - how selfish would it be of me to make things weird? Maybe I've finally reached a point where I'm tired of you just living in my thoughts and in my dreams and since I know we will never be together in reality, I am unconsciously giving up. 

Is this what letting go feels like... This despair and absolute exhaustion of the heart...

Is it all just a fantasy? Will I ever be loved?

--J.

Why I'm A Weirdo Part 5: Kelly

I think this shall be the last instalment of the Why I'm A Weirdo series... There are a few other theories on personality development but they focus slightly more on one's behaviour and more how we learn to do things. So I'll be wrapping up the series with the cognitive approach... 

The major theorist of this approach is George Kelly and he claims that since we are rational beings (yes, believe it or not - women, although sometimes irrational, are rational beings too!), we make sense of the world using personal constructs. Personal constructs are representations of the world that we use to make sense of our experience. Therefore, Kelly claims that our personalities are built and develop according to these constructs. 

"An individual's psychological processes (experiences, thoughts, feelings, behaviours) are routed through various pathways by the ways in which he/she anticipates events" 

So Kelly is rather different to the other theorists I've spoken about previously because he doesn't focus so much on the past as much as the future. Our expectations of the outcomes of events or situations brought about by our personal constructs result in the development of 
our personality. 

We believe or anticipate things to happen in a similar way as they have in the past. When things don't go as we expect them to, we re-align our expectations in the future by changing our personal constructs or allowing our personal constructs to become susceptible to change.

We all have personal constructs that are unique to us. However, people who have similar sets of constructs are more likely to have similar experiences, behaviour and feelings. I know, for example, that at one point in my life I was very heavily influenced by a close friend of mine and I was shocked at the time to notice that we would experience and feel similar things and react to things in a similar way but it was because I had aligned my personal constructs to hers - we were, therefore, expecting or anticipating the same or similar outcomes when choosing the appropriate behaviour or feeling.

I like Kelly's theory, partly because he completely ignores the realm of emotion but put a person's personality down to a purely cognitive process. Somehow I find it comforting that all of the problems or weird situations I get myself into are all a result of what I've come up with in my own head and therefore I have the ability to change and control my life.

After reading up on all of these theories, I don't feel like that much of a freak any more... I'm still happily self-diagnosed as weird but that's just so much more exciting than being normal. 

Thank you for taking the time follow this series and if it sparked your interest or you want to know more - get Googling or comment below and I'll fill you in on whatever info you want. Also, if there's any topic you would like me to blog about in the future just let me know (either comment in the box below, hit me up on Twitter: @JillzPopz or Google Plus: Jillian Natalie - there should be a button on the sidebar where you can add me to your circles).

Thank you, Teacups! Keep reading...

--J.

Why I'm A Weirdo Part 4: Maslow

 

The final theorist I will be covering is Abraham Maslow. He is the major theorist of what is known as the humanistic approach in regards to personality development. Everybody has heard about Maslow at some point... Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs? It's this guy. If that pyramid looks familiar to you then congratulations - you know more about psychology than you may have thought. 



Firstly I would just like to say that Maslow is by far the most positive of the theorists I've covered - you'll see that as I go along with the explanation of his theory, he doesn't focus so much on the negative aspects of the human condition. I mean, look at his picture... I can't help but think of the word 'jolly' when I look at him.

Maslow explains behaviour in terms of need gratification. Thus, we get his famous hierarchy of needs. He claims that in order to achieve our highest need: self-actualization i.e. our greatest potential we need to satisfy our other needs first. We have to go through the necessary channels and processes in order to reach actuality - it cannot simply occur while other needs of our are left unmet.Furthermore, Maslow claims that one need will dominate our personality until it is met (I'll expand on that a bit later on).

Once again I'll be taking a personal approach in regards to this theory so I'll be explaining and applying Maslow's hierarchy of needs according to my own level of experience. Feel free to assess yourself - you may find that you learn something about yourself. 

So the most basic of needs and that which has to be fulfilled first are our physiological needs. These needs are those such as hunger, thirst, etc. and they constantly need gratification (Eg. You can just eat once in your life and expect it to be sufficient - you have to eat everyday in order to sustain your body). Now thankfully for me, I can say that my physiological needs are met. One often takes it for granted but there are some people in this world - in my own beloved country, that do not have these physiological needs met. Never mind anything beyond physiological needs. There are people who are without food and clean drinking water - their lives are a constant struggle for survival so they can't focus on achieving anything else other than staying alive. I'm blessed in having more than enough.

Next we have safety needs and this pertains to the achievement of security, stability, protection, etc. Once again, these needs are met for me. I live in residence at university which is safe and provides me with a stable place to stay as well as protection. Growing up, I lived in a house in a protected and relatively safe neighbourhood. So I never had to worry about my safety or security as some people do. Once again, I'm very blessed.

Then we have our social needs which refers to our need for affiliation and for love. I'm sure everybody or most people can identify with this one. I know that I'm probably a bit stuck here personally. I have great friends and an amazing, involved family but I do struggle to feel loved and a part of something at times which leads me to focus and dwell in the gratification of needs. So don't mistake me as clingy! I just want a need to be met... Say you love me, give me hug and a smile and then send me on my way. 

I cringe a bit every time I read about this level: Self esteem needs. I know I'm lacking in this department... Self esteem is based on personal achievements but also on the esteem/affirmation of others. I have a real problem here and after thinking on it for a short while, it may be because of the issues I have in gratifying the the needs in the level below (my social needs). If you happen to know me (or if you've read a considerable number of my previous blog posts), you'll know that I am terribly insecure and have a huge problem with self-doubt, self-image, etc. So this is what I'm putting it down to - my needs have not been met. 

Obviously if I have not met my social or self esteem needs adequately, I cannot begin to properly focus on satisfying my need for self-actualization. I cannot be the best me that I can be if I haven't gotten all my crap together. I need to get it together and stop thinking that things are not within my control - in most cases they are... And if I can't change my situation, I can always change myself. 

Thank you, Maslow.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Marianne Williamson

--J.

Why I'm A Weirdo Part 3: Erikson

If you've ever heard of the term identity crisis then you've heard something of Erik Erikson. I like his theory of personality development because it doesn't focus solely on childhood development, rather it spans one's entire lifetime. So it's only fitting that he is the leading theorist for the life-span approach to personality development.

Erkison theorises about 8 stage of psychosocial development split up according to one's age. Unlike Freud, Erikson is a lot less pessimistic and maintains that even in the event that one doesn't work through a stage correctly that they can always return to it at a later stage instead of being doomed to go about with lingering side effects from a presumably tainted past.

Each stage deals with its own crisis or developmental task which arise from either the onset of physiological maturity at a certain time or the demands of society. The style or success of the resolution of the different crises therefore determines the structure of one's personality. I obviously haven't been through all the life stages myself quite yet so I'll just do the first few that I have faced, am facing and am about face in the near future.

The first stage deals with trust vs mistrust (0-12 months). This stage is typically dependent on a mother-infant relationship and the successful resolution of this stage results in trust in the world that one's needs will be fulfilled and one also acquires a healthy amount of distrust so as to develop caution. If correctly balanced, one obtains the ego-strength of hope. I think it's safe to say that I made it through this stage relatively unscathed. I'm generally a trusting person but I'm not exactly instantaneously trusting with all of who I am with just any random person. I think I definitely managed to gain the ego-strength of hope - sometimes I think I'm a bit too hopeful in certain situations.

The second stage (1-3 years) is that of autonomy vs shame. This is the stage where children want to develop and use their new-found muscle control (potty training stage). If one doesn't work through this stage correctly, this leads an individual to doubt one's self instead of gaining autonomy or a sense of independence. A balance between autonomy and doubt develops the ego-strength of willpower. I know very well that I have an incredible sense of willpower (especially when I'm trying to prove people wrong) so I think I worked through this stage of development. I  do have issues with self- doubt though even though I have been told I was not problematic in regards to potty training and such by my parents... so I'm still unsure as to where my self doubt then comes from. I am rather independent which can be seen through my contentment in living away from home and being in a space where I am responsible for myself and don't have to answer to my parents as I used to. 

From 3-6 years, we have the stage of initiative vs guilt and this is also known as the play age. This is where one's conscience develops. The danger in this stage is that one's conscience develops too strictly which I think is what happened to me which has resulted in my habit of intensely over-thinking everything and that is why I judge myself so harshly. A balance between initiative and self-judgement leads to the development of purpose - now that I don't seem to have a problem with. However, I did struggle and still contemplate possible career paths as I am not to sure what I want to do with life. I understand a spiritual purpose because of my Christian upbringing and consequent beliefs but I do not really have a purpose as in a 100% life plan and goal.

School age which is basically from age 6 until puberty, deals with industry vs inferiority. A good sense of proficiency or industry results in the ego-strength of competence. I've dealt with self esteem issues and inferiority complexes before but not to such an extent that it affects my level of competence. I'd like to think that I'm a fairly competent person. Yes? No? Hmmm?

Then we get to adolescence which covers ages 12-19 so this typically the bracket that I fall under but do the fact that I am a borderline age, I will overlap into the next development stage as well. Adolescence deals with identity vs role confusion. This is the time in a persons life when one is trying to match one's self image with the expectations of society. This is basically the stage when we get screwed over by everybody telling who we should be, what we should look like, how little food we have to eat, etc. It's a very delicate time where, in my opinion, so much can go wrong and so much pain can be experienced. It is through this stage that one develops the ego-strength of trust and worthiness. I have yet to develop worthiness as a result of my self image being very very poor. I am a typical case of a victim to society - not because society is particularly or completely negative but mostly because I am just the type of person who is susceptible to society because I seek the approval and acceptance of other people. Therefore I do not feel 'worthy' in a sense that I do not feel that I live up to the expectations or standards set out by our society.

The next stage which is the one that I am entering into or am about to enter into is the early adulthood stage whereby one deals with intimacy vs isolation. This is the time in one's life when they truly become ready to be involved in intimate relationships. Avoidance of intimacy can be as a result of identity confusion experienced in the adolescent stage and can lead to isolation (which is a bad thing if you employ its strategies constantly). Successful resolution of this stage results in the development of the ego-strength love (Isn't that just the cutest thing?). So anyway, this stage is what will hopefully be in my near future. I dare say I'm ready for it... I can only pray that I'll work through everything as I'm supposed to. 

I'm not going to go through the last two stages because I'm not an adult with a family or an elderly person... If you're interested in those two stages then feel free to Google Erikson's theory or pop me a comment or a tweet (@JillzyPopz) and I'll be happy to fill you in.

--J.

Why I'm A Weirdo Part 2: Jung

Next up we have Carl Jung. He was the major theorist for what is known as the neo-psychoanalytic approach when it comes to personality development. He was heavily influenced by Freud but in building on Freud's work, he takes a new direction whereby there is more of a spiritual emphasis in his theory rather than a sexual one.

With Jung we see a lot more focus given to our unconscious if one compares him to Freud. His theory always makes me think of a yin-yang symbol because it's all about balance. Jung claims that we have the characteristics of all personality types and that what is dominant in our realm of consciousness is counterbalanced by its opposite characteristic in the unconscious. So if according to Jung, I would suggest that you don't judge other people for being the way they are... because there's a part of you somewhere that is just like them. This claim allowed Jung to explain why people react differently depending on a particular situation. For example, I'm not generally an introverted person yet when I am in a bizarrely new environment and I'm intimidated and unfamiliar then I tend to become extremely shy and withdrawn until I think that I am able to deal with that situation as I normally would.

Jung is the guy that introduced us to the terms extroversion, introversion, collective unconscious and archetypes... So if you have ever used one of those terms which I am sure most people have - thank Carl Jung.

So according to Jung we have what is called a psyche that is made up of all that is conscious as well as unconscious to us - he goes on to claim that we have three level of consciousness. The Consciousness of our being consists of the Ego which allows for both our internal (awareness of ourselves) and external(interactions with the world around us) functioning. Then we have the personal unconscious which is different for each individual as we each have our own individual experiences and subsequent reactions to said experiences. Thereafter we have the collective unconscious which contains instincts and archetypes. Our instincts are physiologically inherited impulses that determine our behaviour without our conscious motivation. Archetypes are 'intuitions' or images that we are born with that help us categorise and interpret our experiences.

The Collective Unconscious is what I find most interesting about Jung's theory. This is because it accounts for what causes us to be a certain way in accordance to society or to the public. First we have the Persona which is our 'public self' and it consists of the different masks one wears. We determine how we act around certain people our types of people according to our experiences with them and the expectations that are place on us thereafter. Think of the Persona in terms of how you act around your parents as opposed to how you act toward your friends, teachers, work colleagues or strangers. We act according to expectation. For example, I am relatively quiet and 'normal' around my parents and family but as soon as I'm with my friends, I am a completely different person in that I am a lot louder and 'weirder' by comparison. Having these different masks doesn't make one two-faced or fake in any way it is simply the natural and unconscious tactic one employs in order to appropriately associate with the external world. One isn't being fake, you are just reflecting a different part of yourself - regardless of what it entails, it is still you.

The next component of the collective unconscious it The Anima or The Animus. Like I said earlier, Jung was very yin-yang. He believed that we possess the physiological (bodily) traits of both sexes (hormones) and therefore we also possess the psychological traits of both sexes. So in guys, the female archetype present within them is known as the Anima while the male archetype present within women is known as the Animus. These archetypes operate at an unconscious level so they can translate into our logic and rationality without conscious decision on our behalf. That's it is in fact possible for a girl to think like a man and to subsequently act like one - the same can be said for the converse.

Then there is The Shadow which is representative of all of impulsive urges and emotions that aren't acceptable to our society - hence why it is called the shadow because it 's not part of our public self it is the background of who we are because we repress these urges. So for example, aggression and sexuality are examples of instincts/feelings that we repress and therefore don't express outwardly or as openly as we would other traits.

Finally we have The Self. This is the part of our collective unconscious that causes and motivates one to integrate all of the various parts of one's psyche. If you've ever wondered what account for one's desire for wholeness - the Self is what Jung accredits it to. 

The psychic energy generated from one's psyche is therefore lead to either introversion or extroversion whereby this energy is channelled either inwards or outwards respectively.

So what I basically have gathered from Jung is that our personalities are not as clear cut as one may think. We all have shared characteristics that are just manifested differently according to experiences and our individual interpretations of those experiences. 

--J.

Senseless Dreaming & Roads Untravelled

I spent the night chasing you around in my dreams... It's so unspeakably lovely to be with you even in the deepest realm of my imagination. It made me sad and so incredibly disappointed to have to wake up and face reality - a day without you there. Consequently, I ended up snoozing and then resetting my alarm in order to sleep for an extra two hours... all in the hope that you'd be there again - that I'd find you in my dreams again.

One would typically be wary of the fact that my dreams and the fantasy they encourage are starkly in contrast with my current reality. In reality we're worlds apart - physically, emotionally, spiritually... We're good as friends because that's easy enough to maintain with the occasional conversation over Whatsapp or a casual lunch date now and then when it can be managed. We'd never work - I know that. Tell that to the fantasy or the idea I have of you that is perched somewhat patronisingly on a pedestal inside of my head. 

I know exactly who you are in reality and I know of all the reasons why nothing would happen between us ever... Starting with the fact that you feel nothing for me - you're completely indifferent to me in that sense. Why doesn't that resonate with me... Why can't I accept that nothing will ever happen there and chances are it wouldn't be what I expected either.

I feel so unhealthy with you in my mind. Is it simply the fear of loneliness that is causing me to cling to the possibility that you'll like me back... since you're the first guy I've genuinely liked in a very very long time. Can this all be put down to my stupid insecurities and fear? Is it even about you at all? There are too many questions swirling around in my mind at the moment. The actually reality of you has become so far detached from the saga in my mind... I've managed to confuse myself so profoundly.

Why is the You within the realm of my dreams so magical. Why does he encompass all of who I know you to be in the most perfect of ways? Why am I in love with the man in my head to the extent that I can't seem to move on or even just let go? Why have I become blinded to the possibility of any one else? What made you so damn special?

I lay beside you, looking into your sad and tired eyes. You asked me what I had wanted to tell you... I said 'nothing'. We just looked at each other - taking in a world where we didn't need to say a single word... And then you had to leave. I went on with my day but I kept on seeing you - I chose just to watch you and not to get in way way. You looked distressed, rushed and somewhat agitated. I wanted nothing more than to reach out to you and to ask you what was wrong. I wanted nothing more than to pull you away from the world that was making you so miserable. I was filled with worry and compassion and just this intense desire to put a smile on your face. I was about to stop you before you rushed off again but then I was awoken by my alarm tone 'Roads Untravelled' by Linkin Park. Even when I fell back into my dreams after snoozing my alarm, you were a fleeting image that I could never quite grasp or get close enough to. Perhaps it's a sign that it'll never happen - you are not for me as I am not for you... And it'll be okay.

"Weep not for roads untravelled, 

Weep not for paths left alone

Cause beyond every bend is a long blinding end - 

It's the worst kind of pain I've known.

Give up your heart left broken 

And let the mistakes pass on

Cause the love that you lost

Wasn't worth what it cost

And in time you'll be glad it's gone."

--J.