Embracing the Uncomfortable

I think it is safe to say that I have never been so wholly uncomfortable in my entire life. Emotionally, mentally, socially and physically - I am in an indefinite stage of unease. The strange thing is that I'm kind of okay with not being within my comfort zone and I now have reason to believe that this is where I need to be right now in my life's journey and the apparent lack of comfort ought to be welcomed and embraced.

I was sitting in church yesterday morning after having volunteered in the children's ministry in the first session. My body was sore (it still is sore actually) as a result of my daily exercise routine - which has recently become intensified - and I couldn't help but inwardly express the thought, "I feel so uncomfortable right now." My church's head pastor walked onto stage after the worship session (which made my legs stiffen up because of having to stand in essentially the same position) and he began speaking about giving. Now, this is a usual precursor in my church before the offering is taken up so I naturally didn't think it necessary to pay any more attention to it than I usually would've. That being said, as soon as he asked the question, "Is there anyone who feels uncomfortable?", I knew God was speaking. He began speaking about how one should be thankful and embrace being uncomfortable because it is in those times of life that God works within us best and grows us for His cause. So I think I'm in that growth phase. I thank God for answering me even when I didn't ask to be answered - He is so great.

Okay, so don't get me wrong now... Physical or muscular pain is not my only source of uncomfort - it just happens to be a contributor. I've been feeling emotionally alienated for an extremely extensive period - in fact, I can probably pin point the beginning of this alienation to the start of this year. My emotional unease is not conventionally a bad thing - in fact, normal people would consider me practically insane for feeling uncomfortable with my current emotional state. You see, the the thing is that I'm happy. I'm happy, I'm content, I feel loved... yet I don't know what to do with myself as a result. Prior to university, the last two years of my life had been so incredibly dark and depressing... and numbing to a point where I got used to it and  began to expect nothing else for myself except pain and perpetual unhappiness. I thought I was doomed to a life of sadness and quietly suffocating despair. The change of this year and the incredible people I have met have forced me to shed the negativity that I had been carrying around for years. I'm surrounded by positivity and love to a point where I don't know how to react any more. I can't act in the same way as I used to, my relationships are bound to change as well as a result. As much as I am thankful for the phenomenal change in my life, I cannot help but be afraid of everything that has become so different. I can't help but fear that which I know absolutely nothing about as of yet. I am open to learn and I know I will have to but it's a daunting task - it requires me to rewire my own mind and my heart that have been so haunted and heavy for so long. I fear more than anything that, ultimately, I won't be able to manage, accomplish or sustain this change and that I'll simply relapse into what I have so long known to be comfortable and normal. It's scary to think just how easy to would be to go back to where I'm most comfortable and where I learnt how to do life - that dark place. Therefore, I pray and I beg and I plead to remain uncomfortable.

When I say mentally uncomfortably, I mean in terms of my academics. I have recently been very internally conflicted in regards to the work I'm doing at varsity. I don't know if I'm working hard enough. In fact, I know I could work harder but then there's the dilemma of motivation. I work hard but if I spent less time blogging, social networking, spending time with friends and family etc. one can assume that I would do better academically. Where does one draw the line between work and play? I've always been the type of person who expects a lot from themselves. I can't help but have high standards and therefore I also can't help being extremely disappointed to the point of devastation when I somehow don't achieve my personal goals. I can't stand failure - I despise it. I fear feeling stupid and inferior even in the event of having worked hard at something. I hate the feeling of not being good enough. So right now, I'm in this state of unease at university where I am just under a lot of self-inflicted pressure to achieve and to do well. I am praying that this will be more of means of motivation than a source of  unnecessary anxiety or depression.

Socially, I don't quite feel on par with everybody else around me. I'm reaching the stage of life now where I'm supposed to be investing time in looking for a long-standing, intimate relationship. I just really couldn't care less at the moment. In fact, the prospect of a relationship puts me off to a surprising degree. I don't know whether it's because I'm subconsciously a coward or consumed with the fear of rejection. I just know that I don't want what the people around me seem to want. I know that shouldn't define me and that I don't have to want to be in a relationship but due to the circumstance and the expectations others have for their lives, I feel slightly out of place and once again subject to alienation of some kind. It is no means to say that I feel uncomfortable in that I don't want to be around people who feel differently to me - it's more of a personal struggle that I am pursuing. For the longest time, I've wanted to be in a relationship and I've wanted that personal attention from a significant other and now all of a sudden I've done a complete 180 where I cringe at the idea of a relationship. I feel so strange but I'm taking it as it comes rather than trying to analyse anything too severely. Perhaps this is a time of preparation. So for now I shall be patient and see what God has in store in this regard.

I don't mind being uncomfortable if it means that I will be better off for being this way. God has a plan that I am unaware of and have no hopes of ever grasping so I shall trust in Him to shape me for the purpose of His glory. For now, I shall embrace the uncomfortable.

--J.

The Self-Revolution

Perhaps you'll never really understand me because I'll never be able to explain myself to you. I think all of my stupid issues came about as a result of some other more deeply-rooted problems... So everything is spun out of proportion and made a big deal of when it really ought not to be. It's really a shame. Imagine what I would be like if I wasn't such a psycho.

It's rather difficult for one to admit when they are wrong... Similarly, for me to admit that I react unnecessarily to certain things is an almost painful thing to do. In the moment, it is easy to justify my reactions and my emotions but as soon as I have been removed from that situation or enough time has elapsed, I am able to see just how stupid I have been in the past. I know a lot of people can relate to that because honestly, everybody makes mistakes... but I suppose I just feel like it's something I'm constantly doing and not actually learning from even though modifying or correcting my behaviour would save me from a lot of pain and trouble.

I can't dispute the fact that I am such a girl when it comes to certain things - really, I just mean that I am way too emotionally immersed in situations than I should be. Hence, I overreact and I say and do things that I shouldn't. I become obsessive and crazy about something that, in perhaps even the space of a few weeks, will mean absolutely nothing to me. I can't imagine why I don't realise that in my many moments of insanity. It's quite ludicrous and quite frankly, it's exhausting.

It's not really myself that I feel sorry for, it's more the people that happen to surround me at these particular times. I am ridiculous and just so incredibly stupid. I'm too much - I truly and honestly realise that. I can't, however, say that I have the means to resolve that issue or flaw in my personality. I do not know enough about my psyche that points to the initial events that sparked my resulting absurdity. I don't understand myself well enough to know of the root causes of my reactions and choices. I just know that there must be something - no one can be born like this... This is something the world does to you. 

I've written blog posts similar to this one in that I've recognised the flaws that are characteristic of my personality. I've apologised for the lack of knowing what to do about said flaws. I don't really know what more to say other than sorry because it kind of is all I can say that seems appropriate. I've put people through hell because of stupid decisions I've made. I've driven people away from me because they no longer know how to deal with me or simply because they've had enough and don't want to have anything more to do with me. It's so so unfortunate and it makes me so incredibly disappointed in myself. I am so blessed - I am constantly and continuously being blessed with amazing people in my life but there is always something that I manage to do to drive those people away. It is amazing how I have the ability to be a really good friend on the one hand but then also a complete psychopath at times. It's unbelievably frustrating because I cannot think of an adequately traumatising experience that I would've had to go through that would make me like this.

I am so fortunate in that I have had just about the greatest childhood imaginable. I am so lucky and so blessed yet here I am, at the age of 19 having successfully driven people to madness and derision over my idiocy. How? I cannot confidently say... Perhaps those people that I have referred to may be able to provide some clarity surrounding that topic. 

I could never begin to explain myself due to the fact that I have not yet begun to understand who I am or what I have become. All I can say for certain is that I am a lot more conscious of the way I act and react now than I used to be because I don't want to make the same stupid mistakes again. All I can say is that I am trying not to be the person that everybody thought I was... I'm changing - in fact, perhaps it can be said that I have changed somewhat already. I'm no longer the girl I was in high school - consistently dark and depressive... I would like to believe that I am more of a blessing instead of a burden in the lives of the people I come into contact with. 

As long as I have the conviction to not be the emotional vampire that I once was, I believe that perhaps one day I will learn to be truly happy with who I am and proud of my ability to change for the better. 

Look at me trying to be all self-revolutionary! In all honesty though, I have been made so much more aware of the blessing of true friends this year and I plan on appreciating the beautiful souls in my life. Being a psychopath has truly become a bore and I think that from now on I shall choose a happier kind of weirdness instead.

--J.

Clean Break

Nobody ever

Taught me how to let go

They always just

Assumed

That I would know...

But I don't 

And I can't

Because it's hard.

It weighs heavy

On my soul

In my mind

In my heart

I'm no longer a part

Of your life any more.

You walked out

Of some imaginary

Door.

I'm still lying on the floor,

Hoping you'll come

Back.

Hoping things will get back

On track.

But they won't...

So now I need a clean break

I need to cut myself off

From the things 

And the people

Who made me feel like 

I'm a mistake.

I'm so weak

Because I spent my strength

On people

Who didn't need it.

People who didn't mean it

When they said they cared,

When they said they loved

Me.

I need a clean break

From the 'friends'

Who didn't keep in touch

From those who thought

I was getting to be

'Too much'.

I need to get away

From those who ran away

I need to stop thinking

They'll change their minds

One day.

I need a clean break

From the users

And, most importantly, from the verbal

Abusers.

The people who disguise

Themselves

As those who

'Will never hurt you'

But they're the ones

Who made me hate myself;

Beat myself

Up...

On the inside and the outside.

The ones who led me to believe

That suicide

Was a good idea.

I would've looked past 

My fear

Of dying...

Just to give up trying

To please everyone,

Just to get rid of everything,

All the pain;

To prevent it from happening again - 

To let go for good.

For a while

I thought no one would mind

If I would. 

If I said goodbye for once

And for all...

One final fall.

Turns out

There are more people who

Love me 

Than hate me,

More who cherish me

Than despise me...

More who want me 

To Live

Than those who want me

To Die.

And for them I'll make 

A clean break

For them, I'll keep on

Smiling.

For them, I'll keep on

Living,

Loving,

Laughing...

For them,

I will be all that I can be

And so much more.

For them, 

Not only will I fly...

I will soar

Because THEY 

Are my clean break -

The people who taught me

That I'm not a mistake,

The people who showed me

My love is a gift

And not merely a handout

The people who brought me

Back to God

Who I no longer doubt.

The Devil broke me,

But God remade me...

He changed me.

So I am better for 

Being broken.

Because into me, 

His Word was spoken.

And now I'm made new...

Ready to forgive you,

Ready to forgive all who 

Have hurt me

And to forget 

And to be free 

Of painful memory...

Only to remember 

Grace

And a lesson

In its place.

--J.

A Dream To Remember

If anything at least I kind of know what it would be like to be wanted by you now. I don't know why I dreamt about you last night considering that I gave up on my feelings for you so long ago. You weren't even on my mind... but apparently you're still in my dreams.

I don't know whether it is a blessing or a curse to have a vivid imagination. I can remember every detail of what you did and what you said in that dream... I almost wish it hadn't happened. Once again my fantasy has successfully beat out my reality. I found myself struggling to get up this morning because all I wanted to do was dream of you some more.

I know that it was just a dream and that the 'you' that I met in my mind is probably the furthest thing from who you are in reality. I know that the situation in my dream will never be something that spills over into the real world. It's just not possible for anything remotely similar to occur as long as you're the guy that I want to be with. I've moved on - I really have. I've accepted what can't happen and therefore I'm moving on to better things because I know what I deserve. Sigh, but there's no denying that that dream was freaking amazing.

I'm almost scared to divulge in the details - not because it was particularly steamy or anything but just because I don't want to make a huge deal about it... Then again I suppose that by even just starting this blog post, that ship sailed a long time ago. It was nothing hectic really... It was just romantic - like movie-type romance. 

The part of the dream that I'm tripping over is the part where you kissed me. You were shy and slightly awkward but adoring and gentle... And it seemed as though all you wanted was to love me. You were so cute! It was adorable and surreal because I can remember a time not too long ago when that was probably all that I ever wanted in life. I guess you could say that I finally got what I wanted - just not in the way that I expected to. Haha! I sound so delusional right now... Okay, okay I'm done being stupid. It was just one of those dreams that you don't want to end because nothing in your current reality can live up to it. It was a magical moment.

I kind of can't wait to go to sleep again tonight. I love my dreams - they're always exciting and hilarious to talk about. I also can't wait to make magical moments and memories within my reality as well. Perhaps then I can blog about something that has actually happened to me! Fingers crossed hey - all in good time.

Thank you for reading my ramblings, Teacups!

--J.

A Letter To Roslyn

Dear Ma

Yes, it's me... Jillian. I'm your granddaughter. No, I'm not Michelle. I know it confuses you sometimes because I'm taller than her now and you remember us as little kids. I'm in my first year of varsity at Stellenbosch University... I'm no longer in school any more. You ask me almost every time that you see me - I'm studying BA Humanities and I know you're proud of me because you tell me every time you get the chance to. Thank you Ma.

That man that you're sitting next to on the couch, he's Pa Clive. He's not some strange man. No, Paul didn't bring you here... Pa did. I know you don't like Pa sometimes because he wronged you once upon a time - sometimes the dark times are all you can remember about him. He takes care of you now. You live in a really nice complex and you like it there. I know sometimes you want to go back to your house in District Six... But I'm sorry Ma - it's not there any more.

Your mother passed away a while ago... so you can't go and visit her, Ma. You've been asking a lot about Aunty Libby lately... but she's been with Jesus since 2009. You've always asked about her the most. Uncle Joey, Uncle Stan & Aunty Mary have passed on too... I've never heard you ask about them, I don't think. I suppose it's because you and Aunty Libby were so close. I remember how much time you spent together - particularly the time leading up to her passing. I know you miss her so much and it confuses you terribly when you don't remember that she's no longer with us. Sometimes I think that maybe you wouldn't have gotten Alzheimer's if she was still around... but it's not fair for me to just assume that. I wish she was still here too.

I wish I could take away all of your frustration and all of the confusion. I wish there was a cure. I feel like one day you'll just snap and you won't remember a thing - I'm scared you won't remember me and the rest of your family. It's incredibly scary... I can't do anything but pray and ask God for strength - for you, for our family, for me. Your mind started to slip so suddenly... It's strange to think that this time last year, it wasn't like this. 

I don't care how many times I have to tell you how old I am or remind you which one of the men in the room is your son, Michael... I love you, Ma. I will love you for as long as eternity allows. You are an inspiration to me - you taught me kindness but also how to be sharp. Alzheimer's may steal your memory but nothing can take away from your incredible sense of wit. Nothing could ever make you look weak in my eyes. 

I'm so incredibly proud to be your granddaughter and I love you... If there was anything that I wish you could remember forever, it'd be that.

--J.

Have A Nice Life

Am I supposed to be able to forgive you and move on with my life? How can I forgive you or not remain somewhat angered by the fact that you caused me so much pain? I'm trying to forgive you because it is the right thing to do and because I can't live with this burden of hatred... but you've made it so difficult to even consider forgiveness.

I don't like blaming people - I really don't. I also don't think it's practical or mature to blame others or to hold grudges. That's why I'm tripping so much about being so angry at the two of you. I don't want to be angry at anyone because life is too short and I want to be happy... I just don't know how to forgive or to get over this.

To the person who claimed to be my friend - why? What happened to your ability to make your own decisions? And for the lack of a better question... Why don't you just grow a pair? I understand and respect that you prioritise and consider your girlfriend highly but why did I have to suffer so much as a result. I know that boundaries were necessary and you know that I didn't do anything to disrespect your relationships. I stand by the claim that I didn't do anything inappropriate or wrong... despite the treatment or reactions that I received. I know you love her and I'm glad you do because you're happy... I'm sad that you chose her over me so abruptly and so completely - I'm hurt that all of a sudden, our friendship dissipated into nothingness.

Do you remember your birthday last year, friend? Do you remember what I did for you, what I said and more importantly, what you said? You told me that I was your best friend. You held my hands, looked me dead in the eye and you told me that over and above everyone else, I was your best friend. Nothing else has ever sounded truer to me than that. One year later, almost to the day, and we're so far apart in our friendship that we've practically become strangers. Now you resent me and you're ashamed of me and of being my friend. At one point you told me you had a 'soft spot'for me. Well, what the hell happened to it then? When did you stop caring all of a sudden? I wish I knew what it was that I did because then you know I'd try to make amends for it.

I always knew you would hurt me. I expected and predicted that you would. I remember telling you that I couldn't feel anything and that I couldn't and didn't feel love from other people and that I didn't have the capacity to love others at that particular time in my life. You tried so hard to make me believe that you loved me and I remember how hurt you said you were and how hurt you looked when I said I didn't feel anything. Long story short... it was that situation that lead to your name ending up etched into my skin. I wanted to prove to myself that I loved you... and I did. I still do. I have the damn scars to remind me everyday that you tried to believe me that you loved me... And now you hate me and you've pushed me away. So I sit and stare at these stupid scars that remind me that you're just like everyone else. I let my guard down for you because I wanted to love you like a true friend should. My guard was way down and then you left... then you just became another haunting, emotionless face - a shadow of the friend I once had.

I'm kind of worn out after saying all of that. I don't think you'll understand just how hard it was for me to put all of that into words... because what I have been repressing for months is now suddenly so real to me. I feel the pain and the rejection somewhat even more now than I did before... It has hollowed me out. I don't want to trust anyone any more because of what has happened with you. I can't let anyone have that much control over me and over my happiness. I don't want to let anyone in because I'm not going to risk getting hurt - getting crushed - again. I've always known it but I've never been able to admit it nor do I want to admit it... I've always known that you never really cared about me.

When I started writing this I thought I would be addressing two people. I've written to the person who I thought was my friend... and then there's his girlfriend. I don't even want to say anything to her, about her or about the way she's affected me. I'm too tired... I'm so tired. Perhaps I should've written this when the rage was still coursing through me.  Now I'm just so done and just so far gone. I don't want to think about it any more because it hurts like hell and being angry is exhausting. So I wish I could say every mean thing that could possibly be said, I wish that I could just be a bitch about you... but you're just not worth it.

Have a nice life.

--J.

A Thousand Apologies

I know you may look at me and think, "Why is she such a freak?" or "Why can't she just relax and be easy?". Let me start off by apologising then... I'm sorry for being that person. 

I'm not and wasn't always the psychotic person that you've come to resent and ignore... I actually can be a pretty decent friend - I really hope that no matter how you feel about me now, you still remember that I was a good friend to you at one point and I was once able to make you laugh or smile. I hope you remember the good memories because when I think about my friends, that's what I think about and that's why it hurts to move on and let go because the memories will always be there. I remember the good times and I wish that I hadn't been the cause of there abrupt and unnecessary end. I care a lot about people and, needless to say, that the closer we are; the more I tend to care. I often get to a point where I begin to care too much and that's where things start to unravel and get intense... This is the point where people start freaking out and begin to run away (or are just pushed away by the the person I become).

My problem is that I panic instinctively and incessantly. When I feel someone drifting or there's a lack in attention for whatever reason, I start to panic. This is where I turn into an absolute, obsessive nightmare. I get so scared of losing someone that I latch on and cling to whatever remains of a relationship there may be. I attach myself so tightly so as to attempt to save a friendship that I feel that I am losing... even though I end up losing that friendship despite my bizarre efforts and I often get a lot more hurt through that process than I ever would have, had I simply just accepted my fate and not panicked in the first place.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for panicking and for freaking out. I'm sorry for being psychotic and intense all the time. I'm sorry that I pushed away people who actually cared about me but who got to the point where giving up on me was their only option. I'm sorry for thinking too much about absolutely everything and for being so emotional to the extent that you may have become overwhelmed, uncomfortable and unable to understand or tolerate me any longer. Please know that I'm sorry... and know that I wish somehow you could forgive or even learn to love me again... but I understand if you can't do that.

Please know that I've grown and changed quite a lot this year - hence my ability to admit and acknowledge that I have a very toxic problem regarding relationships. Please know that I am trying. I am really, really trying to get better and to be better and to just work on myself. I want to be someone you wouldn't mind talking to or making time to see. I want to be that friend that you can always count on having a good time with. I want to be that friend that you feel that you always confide in. I'm trying to be that person. I'm trying so hard to change... not just for the sake of my friends and future relationships but for my own sake as well because I don't want to get hurt again or live my life being sad for another moment further. 

Sigh.

I can't think of much else to say. I suppose I will end the way I began this post - by apologising yet again. I'm terribly sorry. I've grown up enough to realise that I have no one to blame but myself. 

--J.