Why I'm A Weirdo Part 3: Erikson

If you've ever heard of the term identity crisis then you've heard something of Erik Erikson. I like his theory of personality development because it doesn't focus solely on childhood development, rather it spans one's entire lifetime. So it's only fitting that he is the leading theorist for the life-span approach to personality development.

Erkison theorises about 8 stage of psychosocial development split up according to one's age. Unlike Freud, Erikson is a lot less pessimistic and maintains that even in the event that one doesn't work through a stage correctly that they can always return to it at a later stage instead of being doomed to go about with lingering side effects from a presumably tainted past.

Each stage deals with its own crisis or developmental task which arise from either the onset of physiological maturity at a certain time or the demands of society. The style or success of the resolution of the different crises therefore determines the structure of one's personality. I obviously haven't been through all the life stages myself quite yet so I'll just do the first few that I have faced, am facing and am about face in the near future.

The first stage deals with trust vs mistrust (0-12 months). This stage is typically dependent on a mother-infant relationship and the successful resolution of this stage results in trust in the world that one's needs will be fulfilled and one also acquires a healthy amount of distrust so as to develop caution. If correctly balanced, one obtains the ego-strength of hope. I think it's safe to say that I made it through this stage relatively unscathed. I'm generally a trusting person but I'm not exactly instantaneously trusting with all of who I am with just any random person. I think I definitely managed to gain the ego-strength of hope - sometimes I think I'm a bit too hopeful in certain situations.

The second stage (1-3 years) is that of autonomy vs shame. This is the stage where children want to develop and use their new-found muscle control (potty training stage). If one doesn't work through this stage correctly, this leads an individual to doubt one's self instead of gaining autonomy or a sense of independence. A balance between autonomy and doubt develops the ego-strength of willpower. I know very well that I have an incredible sense of willpower (especially when I'm trying to prove people wrong) so I think I worked through this stage of development. I  do have issues with self- doubt though even though I have been told I was not problematic in regards to potty training and such by my parents... so I'm still unsure as to where my self doubt then comes from. I am rather independent which can be seen through my contentment in living away from home and being in a space where I am responsible for myself and don't have to answer to my parents as I used to. 

From 3-6 years, we have the stage of initiative vs guilt and this is also known as the play age. This is where one's conscience develops. The danger in this stage is that one's conscience develops too strictly which I think is what happened to me which has resulted in my habit of intensely over-thinking everything and that is why I judge myself so harshly. A balance between initiative and self-judgement leads to the development of purpose - now that I don't seem to have a problem with. However, I did struggle and still contemplate possible career paths as I am not to sure what I want to do with life. I understand a spiritual purpose because of my Christian upbringing and consequent beliefs but I do not really have a purpose as in a 100% life plan and goal.

School age which is basically from age 6 until puberty, deals with industry vs inferiority. A good sense of proficiency or industry results in the ego-strength of competence. I've dealt with self esteem issues and inferiority complexes before but not to such an extent that it affects my level of competence. I'd like to think that I'm a fairly competent person. Yes? No? Hmmm?

Then we get to adolescence which covers ages 12-19 so this typically the bracket that I fall under but do the fact that I am a borderline age, I will overlap into the next development stage as well. Adolescence deals with identity vs role confusion. This is the time in a persons life when one is trying to match one's self image with the expectations of society. This is basically the stage when we get screwed over by everybody telling who we should be, what we should look like, how little food we have to eat, etc. It's a very delicate time where, in my opinion, so much can go wrong and so much pain can be experienced. It is through this stage that one develops the ego-strength of trust and worthiness. I have yet to develop worthiness as a result of my self image being very very poor. I am a typical case of a victim to society - not because society is particularly or completely negative but mostly because I am just the type of person who is susceptible to society because I seek the approval and acceptance of other people. Therefore I do not feel 'worthy' in a sense that I do not feel that I live up to the expectations or standards set out by our society.

The next stage which is the one that I am entering into or am about to enter into is the early adulthood stage whereby one deals with intimacy vs isolation. This is the time in one's life when they truly become ready to be involved in intimate relationships. Avoidance of intimacy can be as a result of identity confusion experienced in the adolescent stage and can lead to isolation (which is a bad thing if you employ its strategies constantly). Successful resolution of this stage results in the development of the ego-strength love (Isn't that just the cutest thing?). So anyway, this stage is what will hopefully be in my near future. I dare say I'm ready for it... I can only pray that I'll work through everything as I'm supposed to. 

I'm not going to go through the last two stages because I'm not an adult with a family or an elderly person... If you're interested in those two stages then feel free to Google Erikson's theory or pop me a comment or a tweet (@JillzyPopz) and I'll be happy to fill you in.

--J.

Why I'm A Weirdo Part 2: Jung

Next up we have Carl Jung. He was the major theorist for what is known as the neo-psychoanalytic approach when it comes to personality development. He was heavily influenced by Freud but in building on Freud's work, he takes a new direction whereby there is more of a spiritual emphasis in his theory rather than a sexual one.

With Jung we see a lot more focus given to our unconscious if one compares him to Freud. His theory always makes me think of a yin-yang symbol because it's all about balance. Jung claims that we have the characteristics of all personality types and that what is dominant in our realm of consciousness is counterbalanced by its opposite characteristic in the unconscious. So if according to Jung, I would suggest that you don't judge other people for being the way they are... because there's a part of you somewhere that is just like them. This claim allowed Jung to explain why people react differently depending on a particular situation. For example, I'm not generally an introverted person yet when I am in a bizarrely new environment and I'm intimidated and unfamiliar then I tend to become extremely shy and withdrawn until I think that I am able to deal with that situation as I normally would.

Jung is the guy that introduced us to the terms extroversion, introversion, collective unconscious and archetypes... So if you have ever used one of those terms which I am sure most people have - thank Carl Jung.

So according to Jung we have what is called a psyche that is made up of all that is conscious as well as unconscious to us - he goes on to claim that we have three level of consciousness. The Consciousness of our being consists of the Ego which allows for both our internal (awareness of ourselves) and external(interactions with the world around us) functioning. Then we have the personal unconscious which is different for each individual as we each have our own individual experiences and subsequent reactions to said experiences. Thereafter we have the collective unconscious which contains instincts and archetypes. Our instincts are physiologically inherited impulses that determine our behaviour without our conscious motivation. Archetypes are 'intuitions' or images that we are born with that help us categorise and interpret our experiences.

The Collective Unconscious is what I find most interesting about Jung's theory. This is because it accounts for what causes us to be a certain way in accordance to society or to the public. First we have the Persona which is our 'public self' and it consists of the different masks one wears. We determine how we act around certain people our types of people according to our experiences with them and the expectations that are place on us thereafter. Think of the Persona in terms of how you act around your parents as opposed to how you act toward your friends, teachers, work colleagues or strangers. We act according to expectation. For example, I am relatively quiet and 'normal' around my parents and family but as soon as I'm with my friends, I am a completely different person in that I am a lot louder and 'weirder' by comparison. Having these different masks doesn't make one two-faced or fake in any way it is simply the natural and unconscious tactic one employs in order to appropriately associate with the external world. One isn't being fake, you are just reflecting a different part of yourself - regardless of what it entails, it is still you.

The next component of the collective unconscious it The Anima or The Animus. Like I said earlier, Jung was very yin-yang. He believed that we possess the physiological (bodily) traits of both sexes (hormones) and therefore we also possess the psychological traits of both sexes. So in guys, the female archetype present within them is known as the Anima while the male archetype present within women is known as the Animus. These archetypes operate at an unconscious level so they can translate into our logic and rationality without conscious decision on our behalf. That's it is in fact possible for a girl to think like a man and to subsequently act like one - the same can be said for the converse.

Then there is The Shadow which is representative of all of impulsive urges and emotions that aren't acceptable to our society - hence why it is called the shadow because it 's not part of our public self it is the background of who we are because we repress these urges. So for example, aggression and sexuality are examples of instincts/feelings that we repress and therefore don't express outwardly or as openly as we would other traits.

Finally we have The Self. This is the part of our collective unconscious that causes and motivates one to integrate all of the various parts of one's psyche. If you've ever wondered what account for one's desire for wholeness - the Self is what Jung accredits it to. 

The psychic energy generated from one's psyche is therefore lead to either introversion or extroversion whereby this energy is channelled either inwards or outwards respectively.

So what I basically have gathered from Jung is that our personalities are not as clear cut as one may think. We all have shared characteristics that are just manifested differently according to experiences and our individual interpretations of those experiences. 

--J.

Senseless Dreaming & Roads Untravelled

I spent the night chasing you around in my dreams... It's so unspeakably lovely to be with you even in the deepest realm of my imagination. It made me sad and so incredibly disappointed to have to wake up and face reality - a day without you there. Consequently, I ended up snoozing and then resetting my alarm in order to sleep for an extra two hours... all in the hope that you'd be there again - that I'd find you in my dreams again.

One would typically be wary of the fact that my dreams and the fantasy they encourage are starkly in contrast with my current reality. In reality we're worlds apart - physically, emotionally, spiritually... We're good as friends because that's easy enough to maintain with the occasional conversation over Whatsapp or a casual lunch date now and then when it can be managed. We'd never work - I know that. Tell that to the fantasy or the idea I have of you that is perched somewhat patronisingly on a pedestal inside of my head. 

I know exactly who you are in reality and I know of all the reasons why nothing would happen between us ever... Starting with the fact that you feel nothing for me - you're completely indifferent to me in that sense. Why doesn't that resonate with me... Why can't I accept that nothing will ever happen there and chances are it wouldn't be what I expected either.

I feel so unhealthy with you in my mind. Is it simply the fear of loneliness that is causing me to cling to the possibility that you'll like me back... since you're the first guy I've genuinely liked in a very very long time. Can this all be put down to my stupid insecurities and fear? Is it even about you at all? There are too many questions swirling around in my mind at the moment. The actually reality of you has become so far detached from the saga in my mind... I've managed to confuse myself so profoundly.

Why is the You within the realm of my dreams so magical. Why does he encompass all of who I know you to be in the most perfect of ways? Why am I in love with the man in my head to the extent that I can't seem to move on or even just let go? Why have I become blinded to the possibility of any one else? What made you so damn special?

I lay beside you, looking into your sad and tired eyes. You asked me what I had wanted to tell you... I said 'nothing'. We just looked at each other - taking in a world where we didn't need to say a single word... And then you had to leave. I went on with my day but I kept on seeing you - I chose just to watch you and not to get in way way. You looked distressed, rushed and somewhat agitated. I wanted nothing more than to reach out to you and to ask you what was wrong. I wanted nothing more than to pull you away from the world that was making you so miserable. I was filled with worry and compassion and just this intense desire to put a smile on your face. I was about to stop you before you rushed off again but then I was awoken by my alarm tone 'Roads Untravelled' by Linkin Park. Even when I fell back into my dreams after snoozing my alarm, you were a fleeting image that I could never quite grasp or get close enough to. Perhaps it's a sign that it'll never happen - you are not for me as I am not for you... And it'll be okay.

"Weep not for roads untravelled, 

Weep not for paths left alone

Cause beyond every bend is a long blinding end - 

It's the worst kind of pain I've known.

Give up your heart left broken 

And let the mistakes pass on

Cause the love that you lost

Wasn't worth what it cost

And in time you'll be glad it's gone."

--J.

Why I'm A Weirdo Part 1: Freud

I love taking psychology as an elective for my undergraduate degree. It's something I've always been interested in because people and their behaviour are fascinating and our minds are just so wonderfully complicated - it makes sense to want to know more. So far though, the most interesting section we've covered this semester is that of Personality Theories... I think I find this so amazing because it's probably the section that one can most easily relate to or apply to one's life. 

The next few blog posts will cover a number of different personality theories whereby I will attempt to account for my own behaviour and personality. I'm a bit of a weirdo so I am very interested to see how different theorists go about explaining why I am the way I am. 

First up is the psychoanalytic approach. This personality theory entails that the personality is largely structured around that which is within the realm of unconscious. The main theorist associated with this approach is Sigmund Freud. He is probably the most well-known psychologist of all time - the old guy sitting in a chair listening to someone lying on a chaise? That's Freud. 

What I find interesting about Freud, before I begin to divulge on his theory, is that he was a serious cocaine addict and initially became famous in regards to his research thereof. He was also very much a sexually minded being and a tad bit of a chauvinist - you'll soon find out why I say that when I start talking about his theories. 

Freud claimed that our behaviour is caused by different 'drives' or instincts - particularly a life and a death drive. Yes, apparently we have an instinct that is basically a wish to die (but it's usually manifested in aggression) which opposes the life drive i.e. survival, development, etc. Our life drives consist of 'ego drives'and 'sexual drives' - that'll be made clear through the rest of the stuff Freud has to say. He believed that everybody has three levels of consciousness - conscious, pre-conscious and unconscious. Pretty simple. Furthermore he theorised about what he called the Id, Ego and Superego. This is where things get kind of fun.

The Id refers to the innate, primitive part of you that is responsible for all your bodily drives. Basically the Id is the stupid, selfish part of a person that is obsessed with the gratification of desires. It's the "I want, I want. Gimme, gimme" part of you. The superego can be equally as stupid but on the other side of the spectrum. The superego can be recognised as one's conscience as it's the part of us that harshly insists on moral behaviour. So it's the little voice inside of you saying "No, don't do that! You can't do that!" and blah blah... It's like you have a third parent constantly scolding you and telling you what to do according to moral codes represented in one's society. So one is crazily selfish and one is exceedingly socially conscious. To kind of mediate between our desires and our conscience, we have the Ego. The Ego operates within the realm of reality - it's the part of you that is telling everything to shut up and calm down. The poor Ego has to juggle the demands of both the id and the superego as well as your actual reality. In short, the little people inside of your head are pretty much just as strange as you are.

So Freud and his psychosexual stages of personality development... At first I found some of this really weird and almost outlandish but when I started applying it to my own childhood it kind of began to make a bit more sense to me. This is the part where you're going to learn why I am the weirdo that I am according to Freudian theory. I'm only really going to focus on certain aspects that are reflective of my own personality so if you're interested, just Google Freud's theory of development or comment on this post and I'll fill you in if I can.

The first stage of personality development is known as the oral stage which cover approximately the first 18 months of one's life. This is the stage where the erogenous zone(area where sexual pleasure is experienced). It seems weird that a child or a baby can be thought of as being sexual in any way but that's Freud for you. Anyway, this relates to the development of my personality in that I was prematurely weaned from the breast and put onto a bottle. This was because my paediatrician thought that I was 'eating' (drinking or whatever) too much and in order to curb that, I needed to be put on a bottle. This doesn't really sound like a negative thing at all yet it can account for certain behavioural developments that I have carried with me through to this very day.

According to Freud, this has resulted in my personality being characterised by 'oral fixation'(MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER NOW). This can be seen through the fact that I had a dummy/ pacifier until the age of about 4 and I've struggled with overeating and subsequent eating for a very long time. There are typically two types of oral fixation - oral passive (dependent) type and oral aggressive (sadistic) type. Strangely enough, I show characteristics of both types but more obviously for oral passive type. Passive types typically arise from permissive and/or excessive oral gratification (my drinking too much milk as a baby) and this has lead to the following characteristics that I presumably have now as a result: gullible, appeasing, approval or attention seeking and mothering. When I first read that  I was shocked as to how well I could apply that to my own developmental situation. Furthermore the aggressive type of oral fixation, which presumably came about as a result of being prematurely put on a bottle, can be held responsible for the following characteristics of mine: pessimistic, manipulative, exploitative and masochistic. It's so strange how it kind of makes sense in my head... What is even weirder is that according to Freud, so much of the things that I have to deal with now as a young adult have come about as a result of things that I experienced all before I was two years old. 

Thankfully, I seem to have worked through all the demands of the second stage - the anal stage (18 to 36 months) which refers to the time in a child's development where they are being potty trained and are innately developing the ability of self control. According to my mom, I was no problem in that department... Perfect child, whaaaat? Ha, I can think of many examples of people who definitely didn't work through this stage of development properly...

Next is the phallic stage (3 to 7 years of age) which to be honest I didn't quite relate to at all. This is where it is very clear just how sexist Freud actually was. Freud describes boys as having the Oedipus complex which is a phase where they love and wish to marry their mothers. I've seen that situation before so I can't say that it is at all absurd or unthinkable - it is its converse that I find somewhat laughable i.e. so ludicrous that it is to be amusing. Freud claims that females at this age go through what is known as the Electra complex... Also known as penis envy. I've read this aspect and the subsequent explanations in my textbook, my two different sets of notes and I've listened to it in my lectures and in Youtube videos regarding Freud - every time I see or hear this I can't help but think "FACEPALM". Because personally? I have never had penis envy and I think the idea is perfectly hilarious. To think that girls between the age of 3 and 7 go through what is known as 'castration anxiety' is just insane... I loved being a girl at that age. I don't know how reliable my memory is but I don't remember being in any way envious of someone else's body parts. I was too busy climbing trees and causing trouble, etc. If you've experienced this aspect of Freud's theory or know of a case... please feel free to comment because I find this stuff interesting and I would love to gain knowledge in an area where I am ignorant. 

There is a latent stage from the age of 7 until puberty after which we get the genital stage. This stage presumably characterises our lives from puberty onward. This is the time in our lives where we begin to focus on establishing intimate relationships, learning to work and postponing gratification as well as learning responsibility. So this is the stage that you and I are in... unless you're a highly intelligent 7 year old reading my blog? Anyway, hopefully I won't mess up this stage of development too much and I hope to be able to control my behavioural characteristics that have resulted from previous developmental stages. 

I'm not saying I'm a Freudian... I honestly think that it would take a serious amount of convincing from a very educated source for me to ever actually properly considering the prospect for choosing to be one. Somehow Freud's belief that women are anatomically, psychologically, morally and culturally inferior to men is a tad off-putting.

He was definitely an interesting read though and no doubt contributed largely and fundamentally to modern psychotherapy. You go, Sig!

Meh, I'm a weirdo.

--J.

As Long As You're Happy

I never think about you any more... unless I'm breathing. Thankfully I never see you so it's not as hard knowing that you're happy without me when it's not thrown in my face all the time. I wonder how things would be if you were near me though. Would you have ever moved on from being my friend? Would things have changed? Would they have changed in the same way? Would you still love me?

I can torture myself for an eternity with questions like those... but I won't. I'd rather focus on what still makes me love you instead of what could possibly cause me to resent you. My memory of you is a pure and happy one. I want it to remain that way... Because even though you're no longer a part of my life, I don't think I could ever stop loving you.

I'm quite proud of myself for being at such peace in your regard even though I know that you have pretty much removed me completely from your world and from your mind and heart. I'm slightly disorientated by the fact that I haven't made it my obsession to win you back - to convince you that being my friend will still be a worthy enterprise. I haven't let you go in the sense that I still think of you and love you and wish things were different... but I've somewhat given up. It's as though I've settled. (Fitting that I'm currently listening to The Sound of Settling by Death Cab for Cutie - hence my apt word choice)

I just want you to be happy. I want you to be the happiest you could ever possibly be... and if by me being a part of life, I am hindering your ability or capacity to be fully and truly happy then I will gladly step aside. What is it about you that makes me seem so grown up? I'm not quite as mature in other situations or with other people... Do I love you that much that I not only have the desire to be selfless but also the ability to do so?

[Breakeven - The Script]

I always swore that I would never be able be without you as my friend... ever. I thought that if I ever did have to go through that, I wouldn't make it out alive or sane. I thought it would kill me. Yet... here I am, loving you to the same degree and as strong as I could ever be. I could never have guessed that I would be so content in your happiness and your experiencing of life at its finest - without me. I can't understand how losing you has made me so much stronger... and how it has made me happy for you. I thought losing you would be losing all of me - all of my heart. 

[All Is Love - Karen O & The Kids]

I think of you always... I will never stop loving you and God knows that I miss you incredibly. As long you're happy - I'll be content simply in knowing that I was once a part of your life and that once a upon a time you appreciated and wanted my friendship. I am honoured and blessed in knowing you - I am divinely favoured in having been able to be close to you... however brief that time may have been. I love you.

[You Make Me Smile - Kyle Andrews]

--J.

"There was a time when men were kind..."

They were all nice in the beginning - friendly, funny and just sweet towards you. Don't you ever develop feelings for them - don't do it... You'll lose any happiness that their friendship afforded you. You'll lose your mind.

Feelings freak guys out - most of them anyway. They don't think or feel the same way girls do. Although, the strange thing is that we sometimes expect them to understand us; to know what we are thinking and, the worst mistake of all, we expect them to give us what we want.

They won't. They won't give us what we want or need - men will disappoint. They disappoint because women relentlessly expect too much of them. They can't be blamed entirely.

As much as men are unkind; women are ridiculously blind. It's not surprising that women get hurt... that I got hurt. Humans, in general, are ridiculous creatures. It is no further help that we have been raised to be cruel by a world that is so. Life can be so unfair and filled with so much pain because we are cruel - our world is cruel. Even the best of intentions and the most innocent of feelings are crushed, punished and the people they come from are hurt so inextricably.

I await a time, I await a man that is right... that is good. I am so impatient and eager for goodness to befall me. 

I give away too much... I hold on and I become attached... It's obsessive and it's immature - an inability to cope with change. Yet here I am, learning to let my feelings fade with time - loosening my grip on the fantasy in my head that mocks my starkly contrasting reality. I'm growing up in a sense that I'm conforming to the loveless materialism of society where normality is happiness through wealth and possession instead of love and one's relationships.

I am hurting. It seems as though I am perpetually hurting. Perhaps it's because I'm always loving those who can't love like I do. My heart is able... Others can't love me the same way - some will eventually learn when, I suppose, the time is right and others will never be able to. I can't blame myself for that though. I need to focus on that which is within my power to change... That means not obsessing and hanging on to every relationship... I've never been all too great at letting go but it's about time that I learn.

Perhaps if I'm not so blind, men will be kind. Perhaps if I just completely hide myself in the arms of God - none will be able to hurt me. If I shut you all out perhaps that will save me from pain - from myself... and it will save those who are unequipped to be loved by me. I'll leave you all so as to avoid you being at all bothered by me. The Lord knows I can't stand the idea that you may hate me.

So I'll turn all my love to God... until He lets me love someone else... until He tells me it's safe.

--J.

Happy - Lynn Seale

Your time has come,

Your journey fulfilled,

Because you’re a light unreal to this world.

A time has come for us to believe,

That all that we’ve been through

Lead us here.

But is the light,

The darkness exposed,

A possibility for our road?

I’m not alone

It’s sad to think

That so many others too wish for our destiny.

I know you’re here

Beside me.

You try to guide me

But I’m scared.

I’m scared that happiness will be exposed

The reality of my darkness owned.

I’m not the light - 

I’m the darkness that comes with all the pain unmarked.

I want to believe

That my soul can be freed

But I stand alone inside my grief.

I know you tried to help me stand

Inside the light of it…

But it’s not where I belong,

Happiness was never my home.

I’m meant to roam inside my pain

My path was blessed with torment -

A disease within;

The death of many who believed.

I never deserved a dark journey’s end

But I want it for you my friend.

I want you to go into the light

And expose the darkness bold

Because this is a possibility for your road.

The life I live,

A purpose that must be fulfilled

To bring those worthy to the light

And stay far from this beautiful sight.

I’ll stay in the dark

And watch you live.

I’ll watch you live your happiness fulfilled.

And so the time has come for us to believe

That all we have been through is our fate,

So you must walk into that light

And out of the darkness of my night

Because you, my darling, must expose

The light beyond the darkness bold…

Because happiness

Is a possibility for your road.