Rain, Rain

Rain, rain
Go away
Torment
Someone else today
Water falls on my face 
So cold it burns
It is the same
I feel the same
It reminds me
Of when
You ran away
Rain, rain
You're here again
Does that mean that
You've brought pain?
I remember 
Your face
I remember those eyes
Your lies
And how I tried 
To believed you
I believed you
He's not you 
Yet he'll do the same
He'll bring the rain
- The pain.
Rain, rain
Go away 
Don't return
Until I learn
What real love is.
Rain, pain
Go away
Don't come again
On any other day
Because when you come
I'll be done
Rain, rain
Go away.

--J.

Let's Not Care

Sometimes one just has to realise that it's not always worth it to care about something. Even if it surrounds an area of great importance and influence in your life- it doesn't guarantee that it's bettering your life in any way.

I have recently decided not to care... mainly because I actually didn't have much of a choice.I'm just completely emotionally exhausted as a result of all the nonsense that has accumulated in my life. I hate this drama and this pressure- the judgement and the disappointment. I'm so tired of everything and practically everyone.

I want to run... I want to get as far away from my life here as possible just in an attempt to breathe without feeling the weight of expectation. Don't misunderstand me- I love my family and friends... but even so, I just feel the need to escape because even the people who love me are subject to societal propaganda.

I cannot help that I do a lot of things differently. I'm not going to apologise for not wanting to be normal. I understand things in a way that isn't conventional, I solve problems creatively instead of analytically and I hate asking for help. I have long decided that my life's purpose is not to be ordinary therefore I refuse to define myself by society's superficial standards. Hence, I don't appreciate the expectations that I feel others have of me that are based on societal conforms. 

I feel extremely judged. Perhaps you're thinking now that I'm being melodramatic and that I'm merely seeking attention. On a normal day, yes... but today isn't normal- it's different in that I'm not looking for attention through the means of victimising myself... I am merely voicing my frustration and my exhaustion because for some reason I feel like I'm in a hostile environment  that I am desperate to escape.

The judgement is also guilt that I feel. I feel like I'm disappointing everybody lately and for some absurd reason I can't seem to do absolutely anything right or make anyone happy. Even though I have the best of intentions, I still manage to screw everything up. I don't know why this is happening all of a sudden but I do wish for it to stop. I hate that I cannot make others happy... I suppose, as well, part of the reason for my new-found unwillingness to care any more comes from the fact that I seem to be failing despite the fact that I care about my family and friends. I absolutely hate the idea of or the potential to fail especially when it has to do with something that isn't just consequential to myself but to others as well. Therefore in order to prevent myself from encountering failure, it is somewhat easier not to care and not risk anything by doing so. 

I'm hoping that my life will stop spinning out of control and that I will be able to actually regain a sense of knowing as well as a sense of belonging. I know that a lot of what I'm facing has come about due to the choices that I have chosen to make therefore I'm working really hard to get to a point where I at least feel safe within myself and my own mind before I expect other people to provide me with a safe environment. 

It's troubling and it's difficult. It's life... and I am determined to change it.

Picture Perfect

In my mind I see myself as beautiful. When there is no comparison and just my own wishful thinking, I am good enough. I wish what I see in my head would show up in the photographs that they take so that the world may see all that I wish to be instead of judging me.

The light is just right. The wind gently whips through my hair. My clothes hug my body in all the right places - showing off my curves and covering my flaws. For once I look like I want to feel. I sense the smile spread across my face with ease and the light glints in my eyes but doesn’t burn. There is no pressure and no expectation. Every picture is perfect and I am finally good enough to everyone else and no longer have to try to convince myself or the world that I have something to offer.

Unfortunately I don’t live in the world that is in my head. I cannot be beautiful in the world that I, in reality, live in because society won’t allow me to be. I know very well that I shouldn't listen to what society confines me to… I don’t. It’s everybody else that can’t see past the limitations that we’ve built around ourselves. So tell me, how can I be beautiful when the world screams so blatantly that as much as I try, I will not be? Why when I look at the pictures they take of me do I never see someone beautiful and unique but rather someone that is labelled as ugly?

I want to find someone that can properly photograph me – in pictures that capture what I think I see. Is it too much to ask that someone within this twisted society will find me beautiful and captivating? I want someone to finally see all of me without being put off by what they initially see on the outside. I want someone to take that perfect picture… I want someone to fall in love with me…

When he looks at me, he’ll see all of me. He’ll see all that makes me beautiful and different. He won’t care about the labels that society has manufacture. He’ll want to love me. He’ll be my perfect photographer – I’ll finally like what I see when I look in the mirror because there’s someone that loves the way I am… completely.

In my mind I’ll see myself as beautiful and he will think the same thing.

He'll think that I’m picture perfect.

--J.

Lonely Moments

Lonely moments. You're not here. I don't know where you are or how I'm meant to find you... I only know that I have to.

It's saddening - this quiet desperation I feel. I have no sense of self since becoming so dependent on you. It seems as though I can't reverse what I've done to myself... I can't let go of you for the life of me. You are so integral to my happiness that it's most certainly unhealthy and I'm ashamed that I allowed it to get to this point where I am nothing without you.

Even within a crowd, I feel isolated and lonely because I don't have you with me. I don't lack the ability to make friends so therefore it is not as if it's something I can't control. Why don't I want to let anyone else in? Will they hurt me like the people who I have let in before? Is it because I only have room in my heart for you? Why do I begin to cry when I imagine the prospect of a life without you. 

One cannot exactly explain or understand how I became so attached to and adoring of you especially when the vast majority of people don't see what I see when they look at you. That's exactly it though- it's because I can see the things that others misunderstand of overlook. I see a beauty in you that attracts me to you. I find you to be magnificent... yet I am certain that it is a sin to be ruled by the mere thought of a mortal like you. 

The simple answer is that I'm in love with you... but then again, nothing about me has ever been simple. I'm overly-complicated and therefore my feelings follow suit. I could never be romantic with you for the excruciating fear that I may lose you... and also because I would probably kill you. We would kill each other if anything happened further than our friendship. So what I mean by "in love" in this particular context is not mushy-gushy kind of love that is encouraged by our materialistic and superficial society. I mean, rather, that I could never live with you. I'm in love with you in the most platonic sense of the term. I love you to an extent that it's controlling and consuming but it isn't a love that can be equated to that of a boyfriend and girlfriend. I don't really know whether I've adequately explained it for now... As soon as it becomes clear to me, I will do my utmost best to share my new found comprehension.

I need to find a way in which I won't feel so lonely- a way in which I won't be so painfully reminded that I'm single... I suppose there isn't really a good method. Do I go and make new friends and be content with just being hailed by you when needed? Do I occupy myself, at those times, with activities that don't require any other human participation beside my own?

There are so many unanswered questions that will remain so for  long time. More will be added to the list...

...in these Lonely Moments.

--J.

The House That I Built

There's a house behind that mountain - a house that I built. I broke my bones and I broke my spirit to build that house behind the mountain - to build that house for you. 


From where you stand, you can't see what I have done. You stand on your balcony over-looking the sea so you don't see the mountain - and you don't see me. Your fingers curl around the banister and your knuckles grow white as you tighten your grip. You're frustrated at the sea... for the waves don't offer stability.


The waves are like me... unstable and unpredictable. The waves can be dangerous - deadly even. I can be dangerous - deadly even. You curse at my instability. that has bled you dry You scream at the spray of the sea that intends to gently kiss your lips but instead... stings them. The billowing white curtains are tossed to and fro as the wind roars at you. You're angry now because you don't understand how you managed to see beauty in the waves, in the sea... the beauty in me.


You close the doors that had welcomed the scenery and the sun. You retreat and withdraw into yourself because you're confused and you're cold... you're scared yet you're bold... you're surrounded yet alone. The more you hide and destroy what you cannot comprehend, the more it rains. It pours from the heavens - the tears of the sky that fly down like acid and attack your world. The coastal French villa that you've barricaded yourself in... it's coming down. The rain eats away at the memories you've made and suddenly you've got nowhere to run. The grey clouds have eclipsed the sun and you're desolate. You look at the sea that rages and writhes and you finally realise. You haven't been looking at me... so now it's time that you found me. 


You desperately cling to the slippery rocks as you're forced to escape. You climb up the dreaded mountain with its razor-sharp protrusions while the earth beneath your feet turns to mud and falls away. The beach house that she built for you is beaten down upon, it's torn and finally swept away. The sand fled from beneath its beams as if to signify how poorly the foundation had been laid. You watch, your breathing staggered and your heart racing as your house built upon the sand is ripped from its roots and out of your sight.


You climb higher because the rain is relentless and swallows up the ground below. There is nowhere else to go but up. Your throat is dry and your vision is blurry in your tired eyes. The clouds begin to lighten and the sun timidly peeps through to touch the mountain top. You're getting closer to me - the real me this time... I can hear you calling out my name with every heavy step you take. I think you'll find that I'm worth it. I beg the rocks to soften so that you may find me more easily. You haven't seen me yet.


I've been waiting for a while now - in this house I built for you. It's modest and it's quaint compared to the grandeur you've had before but it'll make you feel at home for once. Its foundation is strong - steeped deeply into the stone so that it may never give in. There are no marble pillars or crystal chandeliers - only the bricks I've laid to protect you.


Finally, you tumble over the height of the mountain and the rapturous sea is out of your sight. You see the charming house below that seems to call out comfortingly to you. I'm waiting for you patiently like I always have only now you're so very close. I hear the stones and sand shift as your footsteps become louder and my heart begins to race. You stop at the door - you hesitate - and you knock so firmly that it shakes me.


I walk to the door which seems to be so infinitely far away. I'll finally see you and you'll see me. Fear builds up inside of me as I reach out to open the door - the fear that you won't be you but rather someone that I haven't been waiting an eternity for. I dread that sinking feeling that I may get when your face is not the one that I see. I won't find out unless I place my faith in the hope that my waiting is over.


You're at the door of a house on the mountain - a house that I built. My bones have healed and I've bought back my spirit since building this house on the mountain - since building this house for you.


...


There you are.


--J.

Beautiful Let Down

The horrible thing about a beautiful let down is that you can't let go in the end. You are just left in the same dilemma- only now you are aware of the truth and are silenced into quiet longing.


We can think we are attracted to something or someone yet all it could be is admiration. Yet the hormone-crazed and superficial ways that we have come accustomed to encourage us to experience what I affectionately refer to as pseudo-emotions. Nothing can really be trusted to be real any more where our world has become dependent on quick-fixes and "the next best thing".


I thought I liked you yet for all it's worth you just may be a nice person but not right for me at all... Therefore your idea to reject me is appreciated because you saved me from entering into something that I would have regretted. Perhaps it is merely physical attraction that draws me to you and everything else about you that is flawed, I have magically been able to cover up just because the idea of you seemed brilliant. You make me laugh which is something that I claimed to be attracted to yet there are countless individuals that make me laugh yet there is no reason I find to be so wildly enthralled by them. What is sad is that I hardly know you yet I, selfishly, expect you to entertain my girlish fantasies. 

You're good and you're kind, you make me laugh which I appreciate... You're gorgeous... But you can't be mine and that's okay. I don't think I want to put you though that after I think about how I've harassed you with attention since deciding that I liked you. I'm sorry because I don't deserve you. I'm not a happy enough person to make anyone else happy.

I don't need to find anyone right now nor do I think it wise for me to continue searching. I'll give up for now...

--J.

  

Idiocy

It is so easy to cling to sadness as though it is the only thing you have left. It's so easy to be miserable because happiness is made out to be something you don't think you deserve. It's so easy to become depressed because we don't realise all we have to be grateful for. We become blind to so much because our senseless tears blur our vision and all joyous noise is blocked out by useless cries over those who we will only later realise are unimportant.

I don't learn from my mistakes nor do I deal with the hardships that I face. I don't know what it means to move on or to grow up because I'm stuck in my past, drawing on the emotions that have for so long been my closest friends.

There is nothing wrong with my life. I'm not saying that it is at all perfect because it certainly isn't but I have so much to be grateful for. Why then do I so often find myself crying myself to sleep or too depressed to care about life when I have so much to live for? Why is melancholy my close friend when my life has been nothing but happiness essentially? I have unfortunately become accustomed to blaming other people for my problems but even more sadly so, I have become addicted to the beautiful undivided attention I receive when my life appears to be in a shambles.

My life never remains happy because I don't allow it to. The smallest and most petty of things become my biggest problems that drive me to do senseless things just because people will worry about me... I think back to my darkest moments and although I was genuinely sad, I wonder how I ended up that way... The reasoning just isn't sound. I don't understand myself. 

The truth is that I'm manipulative and I'm selfish... I don't care what anybody says in contrast because I know that to be true of myself... Why else would I drag the people that I love into my stupidity when I could have easily suffered alone and died quietly if I had truly wanted to end my life. I consider this time in my life to be an out-of-body experience where I can gain perspective and honestly say that I am angry at myself for the stupid decisions I have made for the sake of receiving attention and affirmation from others. 

There are certain things that I simply cannot change about myself in a physical sense without employing the assistance of plastic surgery... Yet there are those things that I can change that I just haven't yet. I constantly complain about not being good enough yet I'm the only person that has ever explicitly said that about myself and to myself. The conclusion I have reached is therefore that my standards are too high. How can I expect to get a boyfriend who is the complete package when I myself am not? I'm  over-emotional and stupid about issues that shouldn't bother me, I'm clingy and obsessive... I can't expect to find someone if I, myself, am not worthy yet. How can expect my future boyfriend to be gorgeous if I am not... My standards and expectations are skewed toward the twisted vision of society and therefore I can't be happy while I still choose to be a product of society.

For so long, I've been unhappy with my life and with myself because I choose to be. I crave the attention that people give me when I'm sad... I relish the reaction that I get when I perform tragedy on stage. I am good at being miserable and I am good at playing the wounded and tortured soul. I claim to be a twisted mind but my only reason for being so is because I prefer to have drama and complication in my life. It is sad because I often go looking for trouble and I hurt myself to get people to show me that they care and that they love me... Is that honestly what it takes? Why do I have to go so far... I don't think I will ever understand why I can't feel loved when I'm happy for long periods of time. Why is is that tragedy brings in the most attention... And why must I be addicted to it?

I've driven enough people away and made ample excuses to have become sick of myself and over all of the mess I have gotten myself into. I have landed myself into a vicious cycle of self-induced depression that is unhealthy to me and unfair on the people who have to be around me. It is now unnatural and almost unpleasant for me to want to be happy which is ridiculous - thereby further proving my point about my own idiocy. 

To all those who I have burdened, I apologise. To all those who I have driven away by my selfishness, I thank you for not allowing me to get away with my means of obtaining attention... I am truly sorry and I do not blame anyone but myself.

At least through all of this I have learnt that my pain is of my own making.

--J.