Far Gone - by Jillian Lawrence

You let me go
You made me leave
You disappeared
Before I could grieve


I'm overwhelmed with it all 
All my thoughts of you
All that's left are memories
There's nothing more I can do


I can't fight you. I can't make you love me.


I'm so far gone
So far gone
Stranded with no hope
Of ever finding you


I'm drifting away
I can't find reason
So far gone
I'm so far gone


My mind left my body
Long ago
Now all that's left
Is my broken soul


I'm wondering through time
All alone
My world has stumbled
Into a black hole


I wish I could change your mind. I wish you could see me.



I'm so far gone
So far gone
Without a hope
Of ever reaching you


We drifted apart
Without a reason 
So far gone
I'm so far gone


I wonder if you'll look back
And pity me
Remember that foolish girl
That was lost so easily



Too many tears
Many a sleepless night
The dagger ran deeper
The further you ran from my sight


And I don't want to remind myself that you don't love me. So to save me... 


I'll be... So far gone
So far gone
I'll only cry 
When I sing this song


I've already forgiven
I'll try to forget
So far gone
I'll be... So far gone.


So far gone
So far gone
I say goodbye
As I end this song


You took my heart
When you left... me
So far gone
So far gone


I can't fight with you. I can't make you love me. Don't worry.


I'm far gone.

Don't Be Lost Like Me

This weekend, I found myself soul searching. I found my voice with God. I asked Him why He was letting people hurt me. I asked Him questions that I'm still not sure of the answer to. I asked while trying not to blame anyone else for where I am today.


I'm lost. I don't know where I'm going or what I truly want to become. I want to act. I want to help people. I want to get away from South Africa for a while. I want to stay at home. I want to have a boyfriend. I don't want to go against my parents boundaries.


I'm slowly losing all hope of finding any true and sustainable source of happiness. My past experiences have taught me not to believe that anything lasts forever. I can't trust any more because when I do, I'm always getting hurt. I'm tired of drifting through life with a heavy heart, sleepless nights and a poor self image.


I have some great friends. I also have those who are not so great. I love them all. However, my love for them does not prevent them from hurting me. So I can't find the right balance. I don't where to distribute my trust and my love. Strangely, sometimes they don't go to the same places or people. I'm stupid when it comes to falling for people. I love to easily and far too much.


How will reading this benefit you? I can't be too sure to be completely honest. Don't love too much for fear of losing all of yourself to one entity. Be careful who you trust with your heart. Be careful who influences you to make the choices that determine where you'll end up in life. Trust God... or if you don't believe in such things then at least have a hope that life will get better if you are a bit better everything time you try. 


Don't end up lost like me. It hurts too much when your heart is rejected and you end up alone and confused, wondering why you deserved such pain. No one wants to cry without even realising it. No one wants to be in a pain that they can't do anything about except wait. No one wants to be stuck.


Don't be lost like me. 


--J.

Eulogy by Jillian Lawrence

_______________________
Stop screwing me Over.


When I watched you walk by
I watched in slow motion
You dragged my attention
Like a wave from the ocean


Our eyes never met
As much as I willed them to
I've resigned, defeated
I failed to reach you


Why, oh, why must it hurt so much this way...


I wish and I dream
Just of happier times
Of the blissful days
When I thought you were mine


I'm dying inside
Take the time to read my eulogy
As they set me to rest 
Please stop screwing me
Over.


I've cried too much
Over what I don't know
I still don't why
You've chosen to go


As long as you're happy
I'll remain with some peace
But I'm afraid that my joy
Has joined the deceased


I miss you more than you could ever know or believe...


I wish and I dream
Just of happier times
Of the blissful days
When I called you mine



I'm dying inside
Take the time to read my eulogy
As they set me to rest 
Please stop screwing me
Over.


Could one really die from a heartbreak 
Could you really have hurt me that way
Are you worth the blood and the tears
Since you decided to no longer stay


Am I crazy for thinking you loved me
I really don't like this game
Can't we go back to past
When what we saw in each other was the same


I cry out and I beg 
For those happier times
For those blissful days
When I called you mine


I've died inside
I hope you read my eulogy
Once I'm at rest
Will you stop screwing me
Over.


I HOPE AND I PRAY
FOR HAPPIER TIMES
AND WHEN ALL HAS PASSED
THAT WE BOTH WILL BE FINE 


I AM DEAD
FIXATE UPON MY EULOGY
UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN
WILL YOU REMEMBER ME...


Stop screwing me Over.
I'm already Over.
______________________

Dinner Party

Tonight I had the pleasure of seeing and entertaining some of the most insane and beautiful people I have ever had the privilege of knowing. It was a crazy, eventful night that I am glad to have experienced.


I found myself slightly flustered by the quick preparation that I had to pull off and the bitterness and momentary anger shown by my mother when I mentioned that the size of my dinner party had increased from six people to nine. Thankfully everything was ready in time and the food was great.


I was reminded of just how fortunate I am to have a loving and forgiving mother, a gracious and simply amazing best friend, countless blessings in the form of truly great friends, tons of laughs and moments in which love is shared among people.


Some of the evening was spent in irritation at one of my dear friends. His form of humour just so happens to be that of an irritating nature. He means well though. He doesn't understand that I love him. I truly do. Even though sometimes I can hardly stand him. He's an amazing friend- in all honesty. I thank God every day for him. I have made it my goal to not take him for granted.


We spent the night with great conversation, countless crazy antics which included a fight between the boys concerning a hard ball of crumpled tin foil, the Lion King and some other disturbing movie that I am thankful for not seeing the end of and  very full stomachs.


I love my friends. 


--J

Lovesick

You've been gone for some time now. I suppose I was expected to forget all about you because we weren't anything serious. Not a day goes by when I don't think about you, love you, hate you and miss you.


When people talk about you, I want to cry. Not because it makes me sad to hear about you... but because I know I'm still falling for you. You don't say much to me nor do you show a mutual feeling of attraction for me. You're not even here yet I'm still a slave to all that you are to me.


I find myself smiling at the strangest of times when I think about the times that we kissed. I recall every word and every detail... every emotion. I suddenly come back to reality and I'm sad again at the realisation that I may never truly feel that way again. 


I miss you. The unique way you did everything. Nothing about you, to me, could be classed as ordinary. You are absolutely nothing like me. We think on completely separate wavelengths. You are logical, scientific and analytical while I, on the other hand, am emotional, creative and easily accepting. I want to be an actress and involve myself in everything surrounding performing arts. You want to be an actuary and use your intelligence to get you far in life. You're cautious with where you put your emotions while I almost immediately handed my heart and my body to you on a platter. 


People have advised against maintaining contact with you. The thing is that, although it sounds cliché, I have never felt like this about anyone before. I have never been so lovesick in my life. I have been heartbroken and hurt many a time but this different. You haven't broken my heart but rather you will it to love harder than ever before. You didn't hurt me, you made me lovesick. Lovesick to a point where all I want is for things to melt back to what they were from the moment I next see you.


I'm not in love with you just yet. I'm still not entirely sure what that would mean at my age. I know that I love you though. I honestly love you as a person. Romance could be added or removed but regardless of its position, I still love you.


And I miss you. I miss your green eyes. I miss how I couldn't look at you in the eyes for too long for fear of becoming completely spellbound. I miss being wanted by someone. I miss being enjoyed. I miss you entirely.


Come home already.





--J.

Tweede Nuwe Jaar

I went to town today. I watched the Cape Minstrels (The Coons or the Klopse, as they are more commonly known) march, in their respective troops, through the CBD. 


I stood on Wale Street, about a block from Bo-Kaap. I could see the beginnings of the famous colourfully-painted brick houses. I stood with my aunty and older cousin among the other thousands of people lining the streets to watch the procession take place. In my opinion, this would be an equivalent to the Macy's Parade in the U.S. except maybe not as extravagant. The tradition is as strong though, if not then stronger.


The 2nd of January, back around the time of the salves at the Cape, was the only day that slaves were given to themselves. They, in turn, celebrated the new year with their own ways. It truly is amazing to watch the passion, commitment and pride that each different troop has.


I was taking photos of the troops as they passed and a very cute and curious little boy, who was stand on the road barrier with all the other small children, watched me intensely. I offered to let him take a photo himself but he shyly refused. After gaining some courage and, I'm guessing, a greater desire to have the novelty of taking a photo he graciously accepted my second offer to take a photo of the troops passing by. One photo turned into well over 20, most of which being pictures of the tar or the sky, or his finger over the lens. Some were skew, almost upside down and others were blurred and hard to make out. I found it utterly adorable, his fascination and zeal for which he attempted to copy everything which I had done with my camera. I never let him hold it alone just out of safety concerns for my camera should he drop it or never give it back.


I love my city and all it's people. For we are strange and just so different. It's brilliant. I love our culture. I love our vibe. We are defined, proud and colourful.


Patriotic.


--J.

Our Own Poison

Is it not amazing how all our lives we live but to complicate one's own quest for happiness. Humanity demands that drama be employed as best to make our lives more 'interesting' for to be merely happy all of the time would be too far from the comforts that our society has groomed us for. Hence, our natural gravitation toward reality television programmes that encourage the idea that life is not so without an element of conflict at every turn.


The unfortunate fact of the matter is that we can hardly make any change to the necessity of complexities without considerable effort from an individual. It is only achieved when an active process is put into place within one's mind as to become part of the thought process one make use of. What makes this increasingly difficult is the fact that when one is twisting one's reality in order to bring about tension of some kind, we do it subconsciously. We cannot identify our actions urgently enough for them to be changed or rectified... or thought about further to a degree. All things, or most things, sound rational and tactful at the time of thought and we therefore act upon those thoughts, whether it be out of research or impulse, thinking that the consequences of which will result in the bettering of our lives.


Our choices lead us, often, to overly toxic and negative outcomes. Strangely, those outcomes become even more challenging to return from than to merely face. I suppose a cruelty of this world is what one calls RETROSPECT. We can always see the fault in our actions and our thought when we look back from where we have been thrust as consequence to said thoughts and actions. We suddenly see the other choices we could have considered that were not present in our minds at the time when the decision was of any relevance. We become angry at ourselves for not seeing what in the future becomes so desperately clear.


The most immediate thing one can decide upon doing is learning from the mistakes that were made. One cannot expect a different result should they be fixed upon executing the same process by which they failed before. Surround yourself with positivity and don't allow yourself to become negative in the presence of meanly stacked odds. My greatest caution would be against those who accuse you of pessimism whereby that is what you become. Be happy  regardless of the self-accusations of ill-informed halfwits who, quite honestly, probably don't care about you as much as you would like to think. Not only will your life be that much more pleasant, but one would receive the satisfaction of proving that person wrong. 


It is an idea that I would rather not dwell upon too long for risk of acute depression. We ruin our own lives more often than other people ruin ours. We are responsible for many of the hardships we end up facing merely because we allowed ourselves to feel certain ways, be affected by certain things and act upon certain supposedly sound ideas.


In this new year, I hope that within thought you and I can prevent all the complications one could definitely live without while also not craving the drama that so easily ensues as the result of wishful thinking. 


Happy New Year Teacups!


--J.