Veins

Time flies 
When you're having fun
And the game is all good
If you're the one who won
_______________________________


It's amazing to me that I am so blessed by the people in my life. My friends are absolutely awesome and they just make me want to be a better person. It's so easy to take happy moments for granted. We just notice the crappy moments because they fall out of nowhere and ruin our pretty little pictures of what we want life to look like. 


I love my happy moments. I've learnt, the hard way, to appreciate the Now instead of worrying about the past and the future. Worrying does nothing but make you miserable. I'm not saying that you shouldn't care about anything and that you should be completely over-chilled. It's completely normal to be concerned about things and about people but worrying? No.


I was working in the garden with my family today and it was hot and sunny. I looked down at my hands and forearms... And all I saw was my veins. You know how your veins are more prevalent when you've been exercising and your heart rate is up? Yeah. It just made me think about all the things I used to worry about and how I wasted precious time over practically nothing.


At cricket practices and matches, my coach (the 'brother' I always talk about) always wears short sleeve sports tops. I always saw the veins that ran up his arms. In my mind, it felt like I needed to exercise myself to breaking point and earn my 'veins'. I worried so much about my appearance and how people saw me- how he saw me. It didn't make me any happier or make anyone else any happier either. 


Anyway. I just hope that it will be easier to maintain a sense of happiness for a while at least.


Time to go sleep.


--J

I Wish I Could Help You

Here we go... More complaining about my poor, sad life. Truthfully, my life isn't sad or, in any way, poor- I'm just rather good at convincing myself that it is though. I have so many amazing people in my life and I take most of them for granted.


My family and friends are always there for me and yet I manage to let one person weasel their way in and make me upset and I seem to forget that my life goes beyond that one person. That's why I should never ever like boys... Because I get way too attached way too easily and it is quite the buzz kill.


My friends mean the world to me. Some of them, however, hold a slightly bigger portion of my heart. One person in particular, has my whole heart. She's beautiful, smart, hilarious and so incredibly talented. She's been through more than I can ever imagine and I have a huge amount of respect for her because of that. My only wish is that I could help her. She's dealing with the bleaker side of life's events at the moment and my only wish would be that I were able to fully understand and be able to help her. I don't think she understands how much I love her. I, myself, find it quite unreal that I have so much love for this one person. In my mind, she's like my baby. Sometimes it's frustrating because I judge myself for loving her so much. I hate seeing her struggle silently and not be able to help. I feel so helpless and kind of selfish in a way. I just love her so much that I would do anything so that she would never have to experience pain again. I wish I could help her.


I'm leaving on prefect camp tomorrow and I will only get back on Friday. So I promise that I will then fill you in on the many, hopefully wondrous, events that will take place over the next three days.


Help those you love. I'm sure they'd love your help.


--J.

What Happens Now?

Today was spent receiving the marks of all of the exams I wrote over the past 3 weeks. Some results were great and other were quite disappointing. Nevertheless I am unofficially done with grade 11 and I'll be in Matric (grade 12) in a little over a month's time.


After evaluating some of the situations I am currently in, I am left with the question: "What happens now?" Have you ever just been in a situation where you can't really do anything to change what's happening? Or perhaps you're tired of trying to change things that just refuse to work out in your favour? Well... what does one do in that circumstance? 


I'm not sure if I should be trying harder at the moment because in past experiences, I seem to mess things up too easily and I don't want to take that risk again. I would actually like to live a happy and uncomplicated life for a little while at least. 


I feel so uncertain about everything at the moment and it's making me feel like such a failure. To make matters worse it kind of feels as though everybody thinks I'm insane. Okay well I know that I'm not the most normal person around but I don't want to think of myself as psychotic. Hopefully its all just in my head and people don't think of me as some kind of lunatic. Wow... Just listen to me going on about this. I'm getting quite frustrated here.


So if I can't make the guy I'm crazy about come back from Namibia what do I do now?
If I can't help my best friend and she can't be there for me because of things she's dealing with then what do I do now?
And if my friend/'brother' probably hates me at the moment then what do I do now?


Sigh. I guess it's all about patience for now and trusting God right? If you're not religious then I don't know how you handle your problems. Even though I sometimes forget and take God for granted, it's amazing that I have someone to talk to and someone who will listen to me. I know that may sound weird if religion isn't your thing... But it's mine so I guess I'm okay if I'm the only one who understands what I'm talking about.


I guess that what happens now is that I'll be forced to wait and pray that things will get better. Keeping my head held high and a smile on my face.


--J

I Hate Your Expectations

I'm anaemic. I suffer from sleep deprivation. I hate my body. I cut myself. I have mild clinical depression. I have problems... And I just wish that people would stop expecting me to simply get over them.


I'm not genuinely happy. I act happy and experience moments of happiness when I'm with people that I love and love me in return. At the same time though, I'm not a pessimist whose only goal in live is to shoot down any hope of being happy. Yes, I have self doubt and sometimes I'm negative about situations. That doesn't mean that I'm always negative. People expect things to be easy for you when they're looking from the outside in but how can a person actually do that?! You can't see inside me. You don't know what's raising me up or tearing me apart inside. So stop expecting me to be positive about everything just because you're in a good place in your life and because you're more sure of yourself than I am of myself. 


As a Christian, I find it incredibly hard to live up to Godly expectations already so I don't need to be reminded that I'm not doing right by God when I'm negative about things instead of trusting Him. I know that God has a plan for my life and for everyone else but I am allowed to question the principle religion [religion as a whole- not Christianity by itself]and to challenge what I don't understand. I believe whole-heartedly that God sent His Son Jesus to die on the cross for the sins of the world so we could have a chance at an eternity in heaven. I'm ecstatic about that fact- It's great. However, that doesn't mean that I'm going to live my life without ever having a doubt and without making mistakes. I'm HUMAN... And yes, I love God and I will try harder to praise Him and to let His light shine through me but that doesn't mean I'm perfect! 


I'm messed up. My own mind deceives me. I judge myself more harshly than anyone else does. I will never think I'm good enough for anyone. I'm a pathological people pleaser. A Type B personality if you want to be technical about it. I've gotten into the habit over the last two years of thinking more with my emotions and abandoning logic which means that I get hurt a lot more because I allow more things to affect me. Right now I'm sitting here having a heated debate in my brain about whether or not I'm talking about something credible at all. What I mean by that is that I'm so unhappy right now but at the same I am so incredibly lucky at the same time. There are millions of people in my own country, never mind the rest of the world, that are starving and are homeless without any hope of getting out of the slum that they are in. Yet here I am blogging selfishly about how   I'm unhappy with myself and with my life. On the other side of the spectrum, I think about what my drama teacher once said to our class... "No problem is bigger or smaller than the other. Your problem is big to you and in your life. You can't compare problems." If we did compare problems, I think it would cause even more chaos because then nobody would think that their problems were good enough to deal with... And that would just make everything even worse than it was initially don't you think? So my problem(s) is/are big... To Me.


Right now, I feel like people are disappearing. Again. To me it seems that crucial people leave my life simultaneously. I remember in about March/April of this year that I felt like I do now. My dad went to Spain for a month for a camino walk. A friend of mine who I call my brother who is also my cricket coach seemed to disappear because I never saw him outside of cricket matches and practices and he hardly ever spoke to me. So he was gone too. Soon after, my best friend went to the U.S. to visit her family but during one of the most stressful times of my life when I really wished that she was there with me. Now it's similar. My 'brother' is gone because the second half of the cricket season is now over so I never see him. [Because I'm always so "negative" he doesn't like talking to me. Apparently I just speak about my problems. Maybe that's because nothing else gets a reaction. If I'm happy it feels like he reckons that he doesn't need to worry about. So I make him worry. I do anything to make him see that I'm still here- covered in blood- needing him. If he reads this he'll probably shake his head in disappointment, he'll be irritated and he won't speak to me. This won't make him see that I want him to be an active part of my life again and that I don't know what happened a year ago when he stopped talking to me all of a sudden. This is an assumption... I don't know what's going on his mind or in his heart. He won't let me in. No matter how many times I tell him I love him and that I think he's amazing.] Anyway, wow I digress. The guy that I am still so crazy about is no longer in South Africa, he's gone back to Namibia to be with his family before he comes back to Cape Town to study at UCT. Communication is hard and I don't know whether I should move on or embrace my feelings for him. Needless to say that he's gone. Perhaps the most recent occurrence in which I felt abandoned was with one of my closest friends. We were both elected as prefects for 2012 but due to the consequences of an infringement of sorts, she is no longer a prefect. She was the person I felt closest to in the prefect body. And because we haven't been as close lately I was secretly hoping that we would become as close as we used to be by both being prefects. When we received the news that she was no longer a prefect, I lost all hope in myself. I didn't want to be a prefect any more because she wasn't going to be there. [That was pure emotion talking- see? no logic on my end] I suddenly felt as though I was lost and as though I could not fulfil my duties as a prefect and as Deputy Head Girl because now something was missing. I just have so many holes in my heart and it's not like I don't try to be happy... It's just that I often find myself stumbling over those thoughts of loneliness and self doubt and hurt by accident and at any given moment. I can't pretend like I don't have things that are haunting me. Things that really are just hurting me.


I hate it when people think that you should be happy just because they are. I'm happy for those people who are genuinely happy, really I am. I just don't want to be judged for having problems... because everyone goes through painful experiences at some point in their lives.


Stop judging me! I speak more to myself than to anyone else. You are your own Simon Cowell/Randall Abrahams- It's so easy to point out the flaws in ourselves because it's the first thing we look for when we look at ourselves. Don't let yourself fall into that trap- trust me, it just ruins everything. 


I hate society for having expectations. I Love My Friends. I Love   My Family. I Love My 'Brother'. But I hate their expectations of me to be okay. I'm not okay. I'll get there on my own time though. 


I Hate My Expectations Of Myself. I've broken myself. 


Congratulations if you made it through reading this post. I suggest you go do something fun now. 


Love.


--J.

The Photographer In Me

These are a few of the pictures that I've taken of my darling baby (No, teacups, she's not my actual baby- she's the daughter of a family friend). She's such a beautiful, amazing little person. I love her so much. I adore her.




She's my baby.


--J.

Inspired & Insane

Lately I've been feeling rather motivated to just do everything. Have you ever noticed, though, that you always get your greatest ideas when you're half asleep, nowhere near a pen and paper or drunk beyond belief.

Luckily for me, I keep on having these amazing brain waves when I'm near my laptop or cellphone or with a friend who I can speak to about it. I just hope that I can follow through with all of them. It's not about how you start, it's about how you finish.

I feel so hyper actually... And excited. I want to do so much. I want to be busy. 

I feel so wordy and creative. I'm on a happy buzz.

Being on a happy buzz makes me act like a crazy mental person. I think I know why I'm usually depressed then. Haha. 

Wow, what's up with this mood.

--J.

Dream Realm - Jillian Lawrence

There's a part of me that's burning
Waiting
Crying
And then I wake up 


People pass me by
There faces aren't their own
Just masks
I'm on my own


The dream realm is where you are
Where you tempt me
Hold me
Ignite me


It's a nightmare
In my dream realm
Because that's where you are
That's where we are


When I wake up 
I'm safe again
You're not there when I wake up
I breathe


I go to sleep each night
And I always let you in
I let you use me
Abuse me


In my dream realm
You touch me
I'm touched by you
I'm possessed by the flames


Reality keeps me from fire
From my deepest desire
To have you
To let you have me


In reality they expect things of me
I'm told who to be
You're not there
You're only in my dream realm


I always visit you
I always return
Because I like the hurt
The pain is good


Reality is where I hide what they won't like
The shadow of me
My shadow self
The part of me that always wants more


The nightmare in my dream realm
It's where I scream
Where you torture me
Where I let you torture me


I want too much
I can't ask them for it
So I beg the dream realm for it
And I let the blood rush


You wait for me
You wait to break me
I don't say a word
I don't make you stop


It's because I want this nightmare
I want my dream realm
Because I feel alive in there
I feel loved in there


I feel wanted by my nightmare
So I come back to let you hurt me
My blood is not sacred in my dream realm
I let you destroy me


Destroy me
Ruin me
The burning part you satisfy within me
Fully. In my dream realm


...Then I wake up.


--J.